Gah! He tugged at the hair over his brow. He didn’t want this in his life again. He tore himself away from her door and went to his son’s.
Memories of the woman who had saved his life and then broke his heart invaded his thoughts as he pushed open Elias’ door. His mother, Berengaria, sat under a tree smiling at him and Julianna while they ran around in the grass.
No. No more! Berengaria didn’t deserve a place in his memories. She’d been a part of Berwick…of him one day and gone the next. At first he’d feared the governor had had her killed, for he never, no never would have believed she’d chosen not to be a part of their lives anymore. If she’d been forced to go, she would have found a way to contact him. But a handful of people claimed to have seen her a month after her disappearance.
He’d been twelve. Julianna, nine. They had found comfort in each other’s strength—as Berengaria had taught them. Nicholas had promised to love Julianna always, and she promised the same about him.
He’d waited for a word from his mother, but none ever came. Over nine years of love and affection meant nothing to her. So they meant nothing to him.
Julianna was bringing everything back.
When his son saw him, he began to cry. At least he didn’t scream in terror. Mayhap, it had, in fact, been his hair.
Nicholas knew it would have been better if Elias had had his father here from the beginning. Seeing the little lad crying alone in his big bed after he could have died broke away the hardest pieces of Nicholas’ heart. He understood it on some deeper, more familiar level. His son needed to be comforted. He should have been here to prevent this fear from growing. Poor lad.
For the first time in his life—at least the parts he could remember—Nicholas felt a well of burning, stinging tears filling his eyes.
He would make things right with his son. If the babe needed Julianna, until he grew less afraid of his father, then Julianna he would have.
Trying to sit on the bed wasn’t a good idea. When Elias scurried under the bed, Nicholas stood up and held up one end in his hand. The maneuver didn’t impress the two year old and screaming ensued.
After a dozen more attempts to speak to and finally try to catch the babe, Nicholas finally gave in and sent Rauf for Julianna.
He didn’t want to see her again, so he stayed hidden in the shadows in the hall and only watched like the coward she had called him as she went inside his son’s room and shut the door.
Nicholas didn’t move from the door except to pace before it for the next six hours.
The sun found him sitting against the wall to the right of his son’s room, cursing and wondering why he’d allowed this to happen.
She hadn’t left the room all night. Elias hadn’t cried. Neither had Julianna.
He wanted to go inside, but he wasn’t sure if he should knock or just go in. What would he say? Good morning. You have not forgotten you are leaving, have you? He almost groaned out loud. His belly ached and he rubbed it.
He’d decided she must leave this morn. She must. Having her here brought too much back, too much anger and emotion. The first, his companion. The second, his enemy.
He got up and leaned against the opposite wall and watched the door until it opened.
When he saw her, his gaze took in the sight of her carrying his son. Her long hair was braided over her shoulder, where his son played with it. Her large, beautiful eyes were puffy from crying the night before. His heart moved at the blessed sight of her.
She had to leave.
“Oh!” she exclaimed, seeing him. “Elias, you say, good morn, Papa.”
“Dood morn, Papa,” his son bid him and rubbed his eyes with a chubby fist.
All at once, the pieces of Nicholas’ life fit together again. He felt more cheerful than he had in years because of a simple greeting from a two year old.Histwo year old. “Good morn, Elias.” He smiled and caught her watching. “You may stay for a few more days.”
Now he knew the full measure of his madness. What was he to do?
“Thank you for changing your mind, my lord.”
It was not something he did often.
“You do not have to call me that.”
“I do not mind.” She bowed her head a bit and tilted her chin. She was still smiling. “We are hungry.” She tickled Elias’ belly and roared. He roared back and then laughed.
His son laughed and the sound seemed to reverberate inside of Nicholas. Truly, there was no babe ever born as beautiful as his child.
