He laughed but it didn’t sound genuine to his ears. “What power do I have, Julianna?” He had to stop saying her name. It felt good and sounded good to his ears.
“You think I am looking for another husband.”
Anotherhusband? Then her “man of means” had come.
“I came looking for work and nothing more.”
“Where…where is he now? Your husband?”
“Dead.” There. Now she wouldn’t have to talk about him anymore. Especially not with William. “I shall remain in my room tonight and only come out when I’m needed, in which case I will instruct Rauf to come and get me. If you are there with your son and would like to try and calm him yourself, do not send Rauf. This way,” she turned her soulful, sable gaze away from him, “you will not have to see me.”
She didn’t wait for him to react or answer but turned and left the hall.
Nicholas didn’t stop her. Not because he didn’t want to.
Every part of him wanted to go to her, pull her back into his arms, and promise his heart, but he couldn’t, for his heart was in no condition to be given away. Though according to her, she was here for coin, notanotherhusband. Who was it she had married? How did he die and if he was a man of means, where was his fortune?
Julianna was a memory, folded away somewhere in the farthest pith of his being with others like her.The gone.His parents, Berengaria, Julianna, Mattie. Some he forgave because leaving him was no choice of their own. Others had left by choice. Those, he did not forgive.
He did not go to her because she had rejected him, even after her father had died and she had been freed of her shackles. How couldanyreason conquer love? And if after their whole lives together, she would not give up certain ways of living for him, how much would anything change after another twenty years? He didn’t want that.
He would rather have no one than have her.
Julianna checked onElias and found him still asleep. Rauf was not far from Elias’ door.
“Is Nicholas always so angry?” she asked the commander while he showed her to her chamber door, close to the babe’s. Avice’s room.
“Aye,” Rauf told her then thought about it. “I want to say it began after Mattie died, but…his decline started before that. It started…” his gaze settled back to her. “…after our return from St Peter’s.”
Julianna wished she hadn’t asked. She didn’t know where to look, so she stared at her boots. Had Nicholas told him about her? Did the deadly-looking commander remember her? “Will…Nicholas and I grew up together.”
“Aye, he was yer servant.”
“He was more than that,” she corrected softly. “What did he tell you?”
He shook his head. “Nothin’.”
Her eyes opened wider. “Nothing? He did not mention me at all?”
“Nae,” he told her, not realizing how his words pricked her like spikes. “He never spoke of his past. We all know who he is because of Cain. In truth,” he said after a moment to think of it, “I heard ’twas Father Timothy and Aleysia who first discovered who Nicholas was. They brought him to Cain. The reunited brothers stayed together fer a year. And then ’twas time fer Cain and Aleysia to leave fer Invergarry. M’self and a few others remained here with the lad to help him get on alone. Mattie stayed.”
She nodded and held up her hand. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear anything more. In fact, if it involved William and Mattie, she was sure she didn’t.
“I would love to hear the rest another time.”
He tossed her a knowing, yet furtive smile. “Of course, lass.”
He turned to go, leaving her at her door.
“Rauf?” she called out softly.
“Aye, lass?”
“You have been with him all these years?”
“Aye.”
“And he has never spoken of me?”
