“If your dad does what he’s supposed to and gets professional help himself, maybe things will work out. I don’t mean your dad moving back to the house or your parents getting back together, but for them to at least be able to move on from this. I’m just sorry that you’re stuck in the middle. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you.”
Spence leaned over and picked up his beer, taking a long swallow. Ben couldn’t help but stare at Spence’s extended throat, and he watched as Spence’s Adam’s apple moved up and down. Catching himself, he looked away again, this time making a pretence of eating his pizza but really just picking off bits of topping and moving them around the plate. He tried to focus back on his family issues but failed, the problem with Spence seeming so much more. It was so hard to think of anything else.
“And Suzie? She’s helping?” Spence asked.
Ben’s gaze was drawn to Spence at the mention of Suzie’s name. “What?”
“I mean, I hope she’s giving you the support you need. I’m glad you have someone there for you.”
Ben frowned. “I do have someone. I have you.”
Spence shrugged. “But it’s not the same, is it?”
“What do you mean?” The small amount of pizza he’d eaten now sat heavily in Ben’s gut.
“You and me, we’re there for each other, sure. In fact, I don’t know what I’d have done without you through all these years. And of course, I’ll always be here, but we’re not the same as two people in love, two people building a life together and supporting each other through life’s ups and downs.” Spence gave a self-deprecating snort. “Hell, listen to me rabbiting on as if I’d know anything about being in love and relationships. But anyway, I’m really happy you have someone who wants the same things you do. Someone you can plan a future with.”
“I’m not so sure that’s how—”
“You’re a good guy, Ben, and Suzie’s a great girl, I’m happy for you.”
“Th-thanks.”If only I hadn’t promised Suzie that I wouldn’t say anything yet. I should have made it clear that Spence didn’t count.Ben stared at the mess on his plate, tempted to break Suzie’s confidence anyway.For fuck’s sake—this is Spence!Biting his tongue was killing him, so he tried to change the subject so he wouldn’t be tempted to spill Suzie’s secret—and boy, was it a big one! “Hey, let’s talk about something else, man. Or better still, let’s put on a movie. Action? Thriller? Comedy?”
The atmosphere relaxed a bit as they fought over the last slice of pizza, downed a couple more beers, and enjoyed the classic movie they’d seen together countless times before. It was comforting to slip into the familiar routine of bouncing the one-liners back and forth. It didn’t matter how often they’d watched the movie, the lines were still hilarious, although Ben was sure he was getting more pleasure from seeing the laughter on Spence’s face than from the movie itself.
When the credits finally rolled, they both got up, stretched, and started doing the tasks they had done together so often over the years. Ben took their dishes and the empty pizza box to the kitchen and returned for the beer bottles while Spence grabbed sheets, a blanket, and a pillow from the hall cupboard. The second bedroom was used as Ben’s office and for storage, so Spence was used to sleeping on the sofa. They made up the sofa bed together before taking turns using the bathroom.
They met in the living room, Ben carrying a glass of water from the kitchen, and Spence heading for the sofa.
“Spence?” Ben reached out and touched his arm, halting his progress.
“Yeah?” Spence gave him a quizzical look.
“Ah… thanks.” He suppressed the sudden urge to give Spence a hug. “Thanks for everything. Thanks for being my friend.”
He cringed inwardly and dropped his hand.Well, that didn’t sound weird?
“No worries.” Spence’s brow furrowed. “Are you sure you’re all right?”
Ben nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He hurried from the room, flipping the overhead light off on his way past, leaving just the dim light of the lamp on the sofa table. He turned before he entered his bedroom door, looking back down the hall, just in time to see Spence stripped down to his boxer briefs and slipping between the sheets.
With a sigh, he headed into his room and gently closed the door behind him.
* * *
Spence tossedand turned on the sofa bed, trying to get comfortable. He could feel every goddamned spring in the old thing. Regardless, he closed his eyes and hoped for sleep. But whenever he closed his eyes, all he could see was Ben’s face and the sad look that had torn at his heartstrings. He would do anything to be able to help his friend, but with his own confused feelings, he wasn’t sure how to handle the situation. He didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing and put Ben under any more pressure. With everything going on with his mum and dad, he needed every bit of support and friendship that Spence could give, not the added pressure of having to deal with Spence’s fucked up emotions. And Spence sure as hell had to get over this insane jealousy about Suzie.If she’s good for Ben, then I should be grateful.
Spence’s own heart was heavy, the guilt sitting uneasily on his chest. It was all just so unfair. He gave himself a mental kick.So fucking selfish for worrying about my own feelings instead of focusing on Ben.
Realising he wasn’t going to get anything resolved by letting the same thoughts roll around in his head over and over, Spence flopped onto his stomach and pulled the pillow over his head. He resorted to reciting song lyrics in his head until his eyelids felt heavy and he finally managed to drift off.
It could have been an hour, or maybe it was only minutes, but Spence gradually became aware of an out-of-place noise in the darkness. He pushed the pillow out of the way and listened again but couldn’t hear anything in the quiet of the house. The only sound was his own breathing. He relaxed against the pillow, his eyes drifting shut, and was almost asleep when he heard the sound again. His skin prickled. It wasn’t very loud, but even with the bedroom door closed, he was attuned enough to Ben that he instantly realised the sound was a quiet sobbing. Spence lay there for a moment staring at the dim ceiling, but he couldn’t just ignore Ben’s sorrow and allow him to cry alone. He pushed back the covers and rose, making his way quietly in the dark to Ben’s door, where he hesitated before finally grasping the door handle.
He stopped, hand on the cool metal. All it would take was a simple twist and the door would be open, but Spence wrestled with himself as to how to proceed. Another sob was all it took to spur him into action. He opened the door, and in four long steps, he was beside the bed. Another moment and he gently lowered himself to sit on the edge and put a hand on Ben’s shoulder.
Ben stiffened for a moment but then took a deep breath and relaxed slightly. Spence rubbed in small circular motions on his arm, much like his mother had done when he was a boy and had had a bad dream. Long minutes seemed to pass, and then Ben took another deep shuddering breath and moved slightly across the bed, away from Spence.
Spence stood, thinking Ben wanted to be left alone, but Ben spoke softly from the bed. “Don’t leave.” Ben pulled back the covers, scooting across the mattress to make room for Spence, a lot like when they used to have sleepovers as boys. He gently climbed into the bed, pulling the blankets up and over both of them.
