7
The meeting was never going to be easy. Ben had rehearsed what he was going to say, but he knew Suzie would get emotional—it was in her nature, plus he acknowledged he was being an arsehole, considering how he’d given her hope and was now about to dash her dreams.But there is no choice, and it’s for the best in the long run. For all of us.
Maybe a cafe wasn’t the best location to do this, but Ben didn’t want to be alone when the shit hit the fan. Call him a coward, but the protection of the coffee place was appealing. Surely being in public would temper her reaction and maybe even allow them to have a proper discussion, not a shouting match. They had only been on a couple of dates. At least Suzie called them dates. He thought of them more in terms of two friends going out. But he had to admit to himself, he had led her on somewhat. Sure, he had the best intentions and had really tried to make things work, but he now knew it was an exercise in futility.
His conversation with Mrs Jones had been the turning point. Hewantedthe grand romance. He wanted the hearts and flowers.And I want it with my best friend!
It hadn’t been an easy decision. He’d weighed up the options but knew he had to follow his heart. A lifetime of being unhappy and bringing Suzie with him wasn’t the best choice for either of them. And deep down, he didn’t think Suzie was really in love with him; maybe just the idea of being with someone.
His mum had also played heavily on his mind as he made his decision. He still wasn’t sure how to tell her and knew he would have to choose his time carefully. He wanted to let her down gently due to all the other things she was facing. She didn’t need additional stress in her life, but Ben knew she also wouldn’t want him living a lie, no matter how much that lie fit the future she’d envisioned for him.
The strange thing was, he was going to do all this—disappoint his mother, maybe break Suzie’s heart just a little bit, and let down his friends—without any guarantees about Spence. In fact, he was sure that Spence most likely didn’t share his feelings, or at least he’d never indicated he felt anything more than deep friendship, which filled Ben with a sense of despair. However, a lifetime of being alone, of watching Spencer be happy from afar, was better than living a lie for a life.
“I don’t understand.” Suzie shook her head, and her eyes filled. “I thought things were going so well. You told me you wanted the same things as me—a home, a family. We were going to be together.” She rummaged in her purse for a tissue and dabbed at the tears now on her cheeks.
He reached across the booth and put his hand over hers. “No, Suzie. I told you some of what I wanted, and you filled in the rest with your own hopes and dreams. Idowant a home and a family, but I never said my dream was to have that with you. There were no promises. We’re only in the very early stages of exploring what we might mean to each other, and for me that’s…. Listen, I’ll always be your friend.”
“What am I going to do now?” she said between sobs. The gentle sobbing was turning into full-on crying. He had expected emotions, but nothing like this.
Ben slipped out of his side of the booth and moved over to her side of the table, sitting close and putting his arm around her shoulders.
“You’ll be okay, Suzie. You’ll get over me in no time, and I’m sure you’ll find your guy before too long. You don’t want to focus on me and miss the chance of meeting Mr Right.”
“No. You don’t understand. You can’t break up with me!”
Her shouted demand surprised the hell out of him, and he pulled back to look her in the face. Her eyes were wild. “Suzie—”
“You have to stay with me. I’m pregnant!”
Fucking hell.Ben was floored by her announcement despite knowing there was no way the baby could be his. After all, you needed to have sex for that to happen. He took her hand, trying to still the trembling. “Okay, how about you start at the beginning?”
* * *
“Beer and pizza.My idea of heaven!” Spence took a slice from the open box on the low table and sank back onto the sofa. He sighed in happiness as he bit into the cheesy pepperoni triangle.
Ben couldn’t help but stare as Spence’s pink tongue poked out from between his shiny lips and lapped up an oozy string of melted cheese.God, I need to get a grip!He looked quickly away, instead focusing on grabbing his own slice from the box.
As they ate the pizza, they watched the game in uneasy silence—well, it felt uneasy to Ben. With all his previously repressed feelings bubbling to the surface and the thoughts that kept popping into his head, he wasn’t sure what to say. He wanted to share those feelings with Spence, to explore them, but couldn’t help but remember the dark look Spence had given him in the park when he’d been caught staring at Spence’s abs. It was like a recurring dream, the way Spence’s mouth had tightened and his eyes narrowed, and Ben didn’t want to risk anything that might bring back that look again. On top of that, he was stressed to the max with all his family dramas. Even though his father was keeping away from the house, Ben had a desperate, unshakable sense of unease, a real fear that something terrible would happen to Mum or Maddy. The Suzie thing was just the icing on the cake.
Ben thought back to the days when things seemed so much simpler. Sure, it had never been easy, not with all the crap going on at home as he’d been growing up, but there’d still been good times. His mum tried her best to make sure he and Maddy had their fair share of outings and treats, but it had been the times spent with Spence that were the highlights. They’d lived in each other’s pockets—skateboarding, fishing, gaming—it didn’t matter if it was indoors or outdoors, they’d managed to make their own fun anywhere. He’d even been happy when Spence inflicted his crosswords on him. Spence was also his confidant, the one person he could share his fears and dreams with, although that seemed to be changing. Ben found it increasingly difficult to curb his feelings, which resulted in stressing over Spence. He didn’t want to do anything to risk their lifelong friendship.
“Ben, are you okay?” Spence’s concerned question broke through his reverie. “You’re not eating and just staring. You didn’t even blink when they scored.”
“Oh.” He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Yeah, sure, I’m fine.”
Spence tossed his crust back in the box and leaned forwards, elbows on his knees. “Ben, you arenotfine. We’ve been friends long enough for me to know everything is definitely not fine. Is it your dad?”
Once again, Spence’s concern made him feel safe and secure, and he desperately wanted to confide in him.But where to start?
“Yeah. Dad.” Ben took his cue from Spence’s question, glad for the relatively safe subject. “Thank God he’s keeping away from Mum and Maddy.”
“I’m just glad you were there when things took a bad turn. I still can’t believe he took things that far.”
Ben shrugged. “I guess it’s been building for a while. First the taunting and jibes, then shouting abuse, then the occasional shoves….” Ben shivered at the thought of what could have happened. “The very idea of him hitting Mum with his hands, let alone a bloody rolling pin. And if Maddy had gotten in the way—God, that makes me feel sick.”
“They’ll be okay.” Spence put a hand on Ben’s thigh. “The authorities are involved now, and you said your mum’s getting some counselling?”
Ben tore his focus from the firm, warm pressure on his leg. “Yeah. Mum’s seeing a counsellor. It’s great that she’s got someone to talk to and can get professional help. She finally seems to be relaxing, but God knows how long the peace will last.”
