Mel laughed. “Who says there’s anything going on? Maybe we’ve got secrets that you don’t need to know.”
“That’ll be the day,” Spence said. “You guys tell us everything.”
“You wish! We’ve got heaps of secrets. Right, Cameron?” She nudged Cameron as she spoke.
“Umm. Yeah, sure,” Cameron stated without any sort of confidence.
“Cameron!” She nudged him again as she continued laughing. “Actually, we were just talking about Suzie and Ben.”
“What about Ben and Suzie?” Spence found his bubble of happiness getting a bit smaller.
“You know that Ben went with her to the office party. Well, it seems like that mightn’t have been a just-friends thing.”
His bubble definitely was getting smaller. “Not just friends?” he managed to say.
“Yeah,” Mel continued. “According to Suzie, he’s asked her out to dinner—and not just any dinner—dinner at Borelli’s.”
Borelli’s. Only the nicest restaurant in town. The one reserved for special occasions.
His bubble completely burst.
* * *
Ben was his rock.Ben lifted him up when he felt down. Ben listened to his complaints or was the first person to hear his good news and provided a sounding board to all his madcap ideas. Ben had been the one to support him when he had been ridiculed at school. Okay, so maybe “ridiculed” was a bit strong, but he had certainly had a tough time when everyone had seemed to physically grow years before him.
He thought back to those early days of high school. He’d been short and skinny, at least compared to most of the class, who had come back from the long Christmas holidays at least a foot taller. Spence had definitely been left behind in the height stakes but also in other ways that counted. He looked younger than his classmates, and it hurt when they mocked him and bypassed him in preference for the taller and larger guys to play as part of the team. Not that he wanted to play team sports, but he wanted the option. He wanted to fit in and not be discounted.
Spence had been left on the sidelines, and apart from his self-appointed role as Ben’s cheer squad, he’d elected to focus most of his time on his solo pursuits of running and surfing. Ben was the only one who seemed to sense his pain, and he made it his mission to ensure that Spence didn’t feel excluded.
Thank God it had only been that one year. The following year, Spence had his own growth spurt and gained much in the way of height. At five feet nine inches, he wasn’t tall, but at least he wasn’t short either. He was never going to have the bulk of Ben, but he had at least developed muscles and no longer looked like the gawky kid he once was. He might not have been directly or consciously bullied, but kids could say and do things that hurt regardless, and if not for Ben, he didn’t think he would have made it through the year in once piece. Because of Ben, he had happy memories too.
Spence lay back on his bed, the same bed he’d had since he was a kid, and stared at the pinboard over the desk. The board was covered in a mess of photos, invitations, and to-do notes. Most of the invitations and Post-it Notes were new, but the photos went back years. There was a photo of the group of them—Spence, Ben, Cameron, Mel, and Suzie—arms around each other’s shoulders and heads thrown back in laughter. They were a great group of friends, and he was lucky to have them all in his life. His eyes moved to the right, to the photo peeking out from under his mobile phone bill. This photo was years old.
It was a photo of Ben taken when he had no idea anyone was even looking his way. He was sitting on a bench, hunched a little, hands down near his feet, but his face was tilted up as he looked over his shoulder to someone behind. The photo had been captured just as he was reaching down to tighten his laces. The interruption had been his father informing the coach that there was no point in investing any more time in Ben’s sporting career because there wouldn’t be a career in sport. Although Ben had already told his father that he wouldn’t be pursuing selection, it had obviously ripped his heart out to hear the words spoken to his coach. The look in Ben’s eyes held such sadness, but Spence had always been loath to throw away the photo, as it reminded him of how much his friend had given up.
Spence remembered the difficult times when they had supported each other through life’s challenges, but also remembered the good times—and there had been many of those. Of course, there had been sleepovers most weekends, the two of them spending as much time together as possible outside of school. There were also soccer and basketball games, and long, hot days at the beach, plus their shared love of action movies and thrillers.
Sure, they were also different. Ben hardly ever read a book, and Spence loved to immerse himself in a good mystery, but Ben never complained and always managed to find a magazine to browse or something quiet to watch on the television when Spence was reading. Ben spent every spare daylight hour he could playing sport, which wasn’t Spence’s ideal, but he wouldn’t have missed spending a minute with Ben, so watched him play if it was in competition or joined in if it was just a casual game. His crosswords and puzzles helped him pass the time when he wasn’t engrossed in watching Ben play.
They complemented each other well in both the good times and the bad times.
Spence acknowledged that Ben was the person he imagined spending the rest of his life with. Not just because they got on. Not just because they were friends. Not just because they had grown up together. Not just because Ben was a nice, decent, caring guy. But because Spence loved everything about Ben. From his innate kindness, to his cheerful nature, to his wacky sense of humour.
He wanted to spend a lifetime with Ben, looking after him, and protecting him, and loving him. He wanted to wrap his arms around Ben’s broad body and hold him tight. He wanted to spend each night curled into his side.I want Ben.
As he thought about what he had been trying to deny for so many years, he finally succumbed to tears because he realised that he would never have the life he wanted. He knew he had to take steps to move beyond this longing, but his feelings ran so deep, he had no idea how he would ever move past Ben.
And really, truly, deep down, he didn’t want to.
