Josh smiled. “She must be a wise woman, and we have a lot to thank her for, then. She must be so proud of you.”
Some of Simon’s happiness faded. “I’m not sure she’d agree.”
“What do you mean?” Josh frowned.
“Megan got married young, before I started training.”
“I remember. You or Patrick said something about you helping to organize her wedding?”
“Yeah.” The smile returned briefly as he pictured Megan in her wedding dress. No frills or lace, just slim-fitting ivory satin, and she’d absolutely glowed with happiness that day. He cleared his throat. “She got pregnant immediately, and nine months later Bobby was born.”
“So you have a nephew?”
“Not anymore. He was killed. It was my fault.” Simon could tell his words shocked Josh. His mouth opened like he wanted to say something, but he closed it again and just stared at Simon. No horror, just surprise. “It’s my fault he died,” Simon repeated.
“Okay,” Josh said haltingly. “Maybe I’m missing something here, because I’m sure there’s no way you killed your nephew. Not intentionally, anyway.”
“Intention had nothing to do with it. Bobby needed help, and I was the best person to give it to him. I was a trained EMT who had been working in the field and savingotherpeople’s lives. But I didn’t save Bobby. Instead I let my own flesh and blood die while I just knelt beside him and watched.” He looked up, suddenly aware of the wetness on his cheeks. A sob escaped. He glanced away from Josh’s inquiring eyes and took a deep breath to level his emotions.
After a moment or two, Josh spoke. “I’d like to know more, Simon. That’s if you’re willing to tell me. I want to understand what happened and help you work through it.”
Simon huffed. “There’s not a lot to understand. Bobby needed me, Megan needed me. She needed me to save her son, and I didn’t.”
“What happened to him? Why did he need saving?”
Simon closed his eyes for a moment. The little red-stained yellow sweater filled his vision. “He was hit by a car. He was only two, and he’d been playing in the front yard with Megan. They had a sandpit. Anyway, the neighbor called to her, and they were chatting over the fence when Bobby somehow unlatched the gate. He wandered out of the front garden and onto the sidewalk, then stepped onto the road. Someone said he was attracted to the barking of the dog across the street and wanted to get closer to have a look. He loved dogs, all animals really. Megan didn’t have a pet because it was too hard to have a toddler and a pet, all while she was working as well.”
“And you were there, too?” Josh asked.
Simon nodded. “I’d been watching Bobby while Megan was at work. She’d gotten home a short while before but she had invited me to stay for dinner, so I hung around.”
“So what happened?”
“Some of the details in the lead-up to the accident are blurry.” He closed his eyes for a moment, remembering that afternoon all those years ago. “I was in the kitchen, but heard Megan scream. I’d never heard anything like that agonized scream. I was inside, but I’ll never forget that sound. There was no doubt something horrendous had happened. I dropped the vegetables I was peeling and raced outside. Megan, the neighbor, another guy from across the street, and the driver of the car were all crowded around Bobby.” Simon’s voice faltered. “H-his…. He was lying on the street covered with blood. His head…. There was blood on the ground around his head, a huge pool.” Simon sucked in a breath and wrapped his arms around himself. “I dropped to my knees and I wanted to touch him but I couldn’t. His eyes were staring at me like he was pleading for me to help; he just looked at me and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t move. I mean, this was Bobby, Bobby who wassobroken.” Simon’s voice cracked again. “I finally moved. I tried to stop the bleeding with my T-shirt while I assessed his injuries, but there was too much blood. I couldn’t even tell where it was coming from. Then….”
“Then?” Josh placed a gentle hand on his arm.
“Then I realized that it was too late. I wanted to get away, but Megan was screaming at me to do something. ‘Help him, Simon. You need to do something. Someone help my baby.’ Over and over. The neighbor tried to drag her away, but she pulled free. Then she kept hitting me, pulling at me. Kept yelling at me to do something, anything.” Simon finally looked up at Josh, blinking away the vision of Bobby’s sightless stare.
“Oh, fuck, Simon.” Josh pulled his chair closer and rested a comforting hand on Simon’s knee.
“I should have done something. Anything.” He tried to push aside the familiar surge of regret, reaching for the bottle of water and taking a sip.
“What could you have done? From what you’re saying it sounds like Bobby’s head injuries were severe?” Josh asked. Simon nodded slowly. “Then there would have been nothing you could do.”
He’d heard that before. “Even with all my training, I couldn’t do a thing to help him.”
“And nobody else would have been able to do anything, either. All the training in the world, or any amount of experience, wouldn’t have made any difference to the outcome.”
“But—”
“No buts.” Josh took hold of his hand and squeezed, his grip reassuring. “I can understand what happened out in the field today, how the memories and guilt came back, but I’m not sure why you feel responsible for Bobby’s death.”
Simon shrugged. “I just feel like I let Megan down. It may not make any sense, but I can’t make those feelings go away.”
“Do you hold Megan responsible? For not keeping an eye on Bobby?”
Simon’s gaze flew to Josh. “What? No. Of course not.”
