“What about the driver of the car?”
“He tried to avoid hitting Bobby, but Bobby came out from between two parked cars and there was nothing he could do to stop in time.”
“What about the owner of the dog? I mean, Bobby was running across the road to see the dog. Maybe they should have controlled the dog better so it didn’t bark.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
Josh nodded. “Yeah, ridiculous. It seems like a lot of things happened that day that all led up to Bobby being killed. It’s a terrible tragedy, but none of you can be held responsible. Not for what led up to the accident, and not for what happened afterward. You can’t keep blaming yourself, Simon, it isn’t healthy. Can you wish things panned out differently? Sure. But you can’t change the past. You need to find a way to move on, to move forward.”
“I’ve tried. I thought I’d come to terms with it, thought I was in an okay place. For a long while I couldn’t even work as an EMT. It took years before I studied again and gained my paramedic qualifications.”
“You’re a great paramedic, Simon, and I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass. I’m glad you decided to pursue the career, because you’re very good at what you do. But haven’t you spoken to someone about all this? A professional?”
Simon nodded. “I saw someone for a while. He thought I was coming to terms with it, and I thought I was, too. I understand the theory. I know what I’m feeling is unreasonable, but no matter how many times I tell myself, or how many times someone else tells me, I just can’t seem to get past it.”
“You know it’s okay to feel the way you do? Everyone has doubts about their abilities at some time or another.”
“But what if I can’t ever get past it? What if I freeze up like I did today?”
“Firstly, I’ve seen you attend many jobs without incident. You’ve seen some horrible things and been fine. I think this one case was just too close to home and triggered all those memories. The chances of that happening again are so unlikely. Now, let’s talk about what happened today. Yes, you froze, but it was short-lived. You got back with the program quickly and did exactly what was needed for that boy. It was thanks to what you did, what we both did, that the kid got to the hospital okay.”
“I know. But it may not always be like that. Something could go wrong.”
“I can’t say for certain, no one can. But I also think that maybe this is a self-fulfilling prophecy.” Simon raised a brow at Josh’s words. “You know, you’ve assumed you’re going to freeze, so when faced with the exact situation you fear, you did exactly as you’d imagined. Listen, the way I see it is that, yes, the situation triggered your memories and you froze for a moment, but you came good again quickly and did all the right things. Even if you’re faced with another hit kid and screaming parents, you now know you’ll get through it. You did today, and you will again. It wouldn’t surprise me if this is something youcanget past, if you aren’t already. However, I do think you should talk to someone again.”
Simon mulled over Josh’s words. Hehadgotten through the entire incident relatively okay, apart from those few seconds of doubt. He hadn’t fallen to pieces, at least not completely. Maybe he was moving forward, and perhaps Josh was right. “It wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone. I’ll make an appointment.”
Josh stood and patted him on the shoulder. “Good man. And I meant what I said about you being an asset to the team. Don’t doubt it.”
And funnily enough, Simon believed what Josh said. Hewasgood at his job.
