“It was right there on the nightstand, and I needed something to keep me awake,” he explained. “I didn’t want to fall asleep because if you had a nightmare, I needed to be alert to pull you out of it.”
“You… you’ve stayed awake all night?” I asked.
“I did.” Hollis looked down at the closed composition book. “You’ve had this since you were little, huh?”
I nodded. He pointed to the football jersey with the number twenty-four on it and raised his eyebrow. I shrugged.
“He’s a good football player,” I said quietly. I hoped he hadn’t seen all the letters strewn throughout.
He looked at me for a moment or two that seemed to last forever.
“You write really well, Patrick.”
“Thank you.”
“So much of it is… sad.”
“I wasn’t a very happy kid.”
“I know. I’m sorry—”
I quickly cut him off and got out of bed.
“No, don’t be sorry. There’s nothing you need to be sorry about.”
“Yes, there is,” he said quietly as he got out of bed. Hollis set the tattered notebook on my nightstand and walked closer to me. He looked me in the eyes and said, “I’m sorry that I didn’t see what was going on earlier.”
I swallowed hard and then took a deep breath.
“You were there for me when I needed you most. You’ve never let me down.”
“And I never will.” Hollis flashed a smile and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Get ready for school, man.” As he walked toward the bathroom to cut through to his bedroom, he called over his shoulder, “We’re working out after school.
I smiled and nodded. I envied his energy.
Eighteen years old/June
As I listened to our principal call names out for our graduating class, I thought about how lucky I was to be graduating at all. I didn’t have a special sash indicating I was an honors student like Hollis was. But I was proud of the fact that I was here at all.
I looked down at the graduation program in my hands. My thumb marked the page that meant so much to me. I flipped open the section where parents and family could post messages for their graduates.
Congratulations to our boys, Hollis and Patrick. We love you both very much!
It was hard for me not to smile. I’d read it probably a hundred times since the ceremony started. Things had quickly changed for me when I went to live with Hollis and his family. And now, I was part of a family thatwantedme. Not only did they treat me nicer than I’d ever been treated before, but they wanted to help me.
And they did.
Each night after dinner, Charles or Kristin would sit and help me study to get caught up on my grades. It didn’t happen overnight, but I’d gone from a C and D student to earning Bs in everything and an A in math. Charles was incredibly smart and patient. Each time I tossed my pencil down in frustration, Charles would pick it back up and put it in my hand. He was always encouraging.
Charles or Kristin took me once a week to see a counselor. They took me nearly each time, but there was the occasional time when they couldn’t get out of work and Hollis’ grandpa took me. His grandpa was extremely nice to me. Whenever they were at the house, his grandpa always spoke to me and offered his ear whenever I wanted. I took him up on it a few times while they were over for dinners and such. Sometimes he could tell when I needed it, or maybe Charles and Kristin did. Now that I thought about it, there were so many times his grandparents were over for dinner. Maybe Charles and Kristin could see I needed someone with some professional experience, without having to sit in the counselor’s office. Hollis’ grandpa never drew a lot of attention to it. He’d ask me if I wanted to “walk the loop,” referring to walking around the neighborhood. I enjoyed talking to him. He’d listen and talk to me about whatever was on my mind. He was easy to talk to.
Hollis’ entire family had helped me, but Hollis had a huge impact on my life. He’d helped me out of my shell but did so at my pace. He helped me make friends, and really, I thought just because I was his best friend, I automatically had friends. Girls suddenly had shown interest in me, and it was nice to have a girlfriend and a date to take to the movies with Hollis and his girlfriend.
The girls were nice, but I struggled with being physical with any of them. I was too afraid for them to see me naked with lights on. My fear of being judged harshly by a girl often pushed me away from them. I was terrified they’d see some scars and laugh or tell their friends I was a pussy. Maybe there would have been some girls who would have understood, but I couldn’t risk it. Girls came into my high school life quickly and left just as fast.
Girls had expectations of me that I just couldn’t meet. While Hollis was charismatic and engaging, I was the polar opposite. Whenever a girl and I went out with Hollis and Ginny, I felt inferior and almost like an inadequate high school guy. I was anything but the typical high school guy. Too much of my past had made me afraid to breathe sometimes.
Hollis was naturally protective of Ginny, and while I tried to follow his lead, I couldn’t pull it off. I went through the motions of dates and enjoyed some of them. I often ended up angry with myself and frustrated because I couldn’t be the person the girls wanted me to be.
