Dad slammed the door shut, and I crumpled like a leaf. A pathetic leaf. I couldn’t control the sound and volume of my crying, and I could feel myself shaking from the inside out. My body hurt all over as I hobbled to my backpack. I unzipped my bag and pulled out the ibuprofen Hollis gave me and swallowed five.
I went to lie down on my bed and feel sorry for myself. I flattened the hand Hollis touched against my sore stomach and then covered it with my other hand. I frowned when I realized all the warmth and the only good feeling I’d had in my life had faded.
Gone.
When the sound of me choking on a sob came out of nowhere, I quickly turned my head and buried it into the pillow. I tried to stop crying because it was only making my head and stomach ache worse. I did something really wild and just started to daydream of Hollis and his family.
What if I had taken him up on the offer for help? He offered it all the time and so did Morgan. But would they really be able to help? I closed my eyes and got lost in a fantasy…
Hollis and I were swimming with his brothers and playing Marco Polo. No one asked about any bruises or cuts. Chase put his Hulk Hogan action figure on the diving board and then dove after him when it started to sink to the bottom. We laughed and played in the pool for the afternoon until their mom brought out fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.
I’d give years of my life just to have Hollis’ life for a little while.
Sixteen years old/10th Grade/April
After they left, I saw the blood from the stuff I couldn’t even bring myself to say, let alone think about. There was blood on my fingers and on the back of my hand. Anger and hate were what I felt.
I was done.
Fuck this life.
I didn’t care anymore.
I hobbled to my desk and yanked the phone cord out of the base and then from the wall. I went to my closet and shoved clothes to the side, making a place for myself. Tears filled my eyelids and I angrily wiped them away as I doubled up the cord for strength. My pulse raced as I made several knots, securing it to the clothes bar. I wrapped the cord around my neck and curled my hands around the wooden bar. Before I raised my feet off the ground, I closed my eyes and prayed it would be quick and wouldn’t hurt.
“Please, God, make this all end,” I muttered.
I lifted my feet off the ground and bent at my knees so my legs dangled like they did when I was doing pull-ups at the gym with Hollis.
Hollis.
I swallowed and could feel my Adam’s apple push against the cord.
Hollis.
I let go of the bar with my left hand and felt the cord begin to tighten against my neck. My right hand and arm still supported most of my weight, but I could definitely feel the pressure from the cord.
Hollis.
I cried harder when I thought about him. Briefly, a lifelong friendship with him flashed before my eyes. If I killed myself, I’d miss out on a chance at having a true friend. Maybe he’d miss me.
Tears rolled down my face, and the sobs were more audible now. As painful as it was to raise my left arm, I lifted it and wrapped my hand around the clothes bar again. I straightened my legs until my feet were firmly on the ground. My body shook as I removed the cord from around my neck and sat on the floor.
Sitting on the floor was far too painful. Clutching my stomach, I limped to my bed. The sight of blood on my sheets made me dry heave, but I managed to lie down and face the opposite way.
The only thing that ended up calming the storm that raged violently in me was to think of Hollis. I closed my eyes and forced myself to think of him. I knew that if I didn’t think only of him that there was a good chance I’d end up hanging myself tonight.
Hollis.
My best friend.
My workout buddy.
I could see him… no, I could feel him sitting next to me in the courtyard at lunch. He always had the best lunches. He’d hold a baggie of homemade cookies out for me to take one. I always made sure my fingertips would touch the inside of his hand. His hand was always so warm.Hewas always so warm. His girlfriend was so lucky.
After we’d work out and would go back to the locker room, Hollis would let me take the shower alone. It’s like he knew.
I wished he knew, but I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to tell The Dragon.
