And that was the last place I wanted to be right now.
Seven years old/1st Grade/June
Today was the last day of school. All of the kids were excited. I wasn’t, because being in school was the only way I had some time away from Sebastian and Dad. But part of me was in a good mood because in my hand I held my composition book and my end of the year report card. I had done better in the subjects and now had Bs in everything except math, which was still an A. They would be proud and see I’d worked hard.
Dad picked us up from school today because Raquel had some sort of thing to try on her wedding dress. The wedding was a few weeks away, and I was never able to find the lucky four-leaf clover to make the wedding not take place.
Sebastian had made it to Dad first, and it made my stomach hurt worse when I saw Dad pick him up and hug him. He handed Sebastian back his report card, so maybe the hug was for good grades. I ignored the pain in my stomach that running caused and ran toward my dad with my report card in hand.
“Hey, Patrick,” Dad said.
I pushed the report card into his hand and stood by while he looked it over. He’d see that I improved, then he’d hug me too.
“It’s nice to see you turned those Cs into Bs,” Dad said. He handed me back the report card but didn’t hug me. “In the car. We have some errands to run.” Dad walked away from me and rounded the front of the car.
But…
Sebastian punched me in the lower back as he walked toward the door to the front seat on the passenger side.
“What are you, deaf too? Dad said get in the car.”
He’s not your dad.
* * *
I saton the floor under the window of my room and tried focusing on my book. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. I was home alone. Everyone was at the wedding. Raquel worried I’d cause a scene or I’d embarrass her. I overheard her telling her mom that I was a mess and had issues. Being left home made me feel like Dad didn’t even want me around. I was supposed to hold the rings, but Sebastian ended up doing that.
I closed my book and pulled out my composition book from between my mattress. It was the only place Sebastian wouldn’t find it. I leaned against my bed and opened the notebook to a blank page and began writing everything I wanted to say to my dad.
You let him do something that I was supposed to do.
When you told me you were marrying her, you said I could hold the rings.
You let her make you believe I can’t handle doing anything.
I can.
I’m not stupid.
You left me here in my dark room while you guys are out becoming a family.
You do whatever you want to me, but you wouldn’t let me come to the wedding.
I drewa hard line across the page with the pencil and slid the notebook onto the floor. I was breathing hard and could feel my heart pounding so hard in my chest that it hurt. I snapped the pencil in half and threw the pieces at the boxes stacked in front of the closet door.
I hated my life.
I hated myself.
My throat burned and my stomach hurt. I folded my arms over my knees and rested my forehead against them. Tears ran down my face. I felt so angry, trapped, and hated.
Ten years old/4th Grade/September
“Do you know what you’re doing?” I overheard Eli ask Sebastian while I leaned against the tree in our backyard. I looked up in time to see Sebastian tipping over a patio chair so the back of it was angled toward the ground.
“Yeah, I saw it on the channel with all the history shit. It’s used to get people to talk during interrogations.”
Yeah, right.
