What if I move in and the fucking bitch Claire just gets worse and worse? I know I told Russell that I would take whatever time he could give me, and that I could share. But not if I move in. I can’t be his toy.
I pulled out my tag for my play collar and read the inscription. I was his.
I stared at all of the texts from Russell that I let go unanswered. I thought back to when I was young and how I wanted someone to give a fuck about me. Now I have that but am running from it. I took a deep breath and stood.
“Time to grow the fuck up, Ry,” I told myself and jogged to my SUV.
I jumped in and sent a text back to Russell.
Ryan: I’m sorry. I’ve just been thinking and needed some quiet time to myself. Can I come by and talk to you?
Russell: Yes, Ryan. I’ve been worried about you, my boy. Please come by. I would love to see you and discuss what’s on your mind.
Ryan: Okay, I just have one stop to make and then I’ll be over.
I set the phone down and drove to my bank. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was making the right decision as I stood in line.
“I can help the next guest in line,” the teller called out.
I was next in line. I turned around and told the lady behind me that she could go in front of me. Was I making the right decision, or was I making a rash decision?
“I can help the next guest,” another teller called out.
“Uh, you can go ahead of me,” I said to the man behind me.
After letting three people go ahead of me, I finally went to the next available teller. I sent my driver’s license down and told them I needed to close out my safe deposit box. Within five minutes, I was escorted to the secured area and pulled the box out. I took it to the table and looked at the contents when I opened it.
I pulled out my mom’s trust and will and my birth certificate. At the very bottom was a stock certificate to the railroad company my dad spent his life working for. When he died, my brother and I were the beneficiaries, along with two other people I had never heard of, split the shares of stock in four equal parts. It didn’t amount to much, and to me, it was dirty money. In the room was a shredder, and it had crossed my mind to just shred to stock certificate, but I couldn’t make more rash decisions today.
I gathered everything from the box and handed the bank associate the key. I sat in my SUV and just stared at the steering wheel. Everything was about the change, big time. I didn’t know if I was ready, but I knew I needed to trust Russell that it would be okay.
As I approached his front door, he opened it. He had been waiting for me.
“I’ve been worried about you, Ryan,” he said as I stepped into his home.
“I told you that I just needed to think.”
“You’ve been running, my boy.”
I started to deny it, but he was right. I looked down at the stuff in my hand and took a deep breath.
“I did a lot of thinking today. Some good, and some not so good. But even though I might end up destroyed, I want to spend all the time I can with you.”
Russell put his hands on either side of my biceps and squeezed.
“I won’t destroy you, Ryan—”
“Stop! You will!” I let the tears fall down my face.
Russell looked lost as he swiped my tears from my face. My body was out of control and I had been trying so hard to not cry more, that I started shaking. I clutched the hem of my shirt with one hand while the other pressed the stuff from my safe deposit box to my side.
“Ryan. Ryan please calm down, my boy,” Russell said as he pulled me into his embrace.
Russell’s arms wrapped around me and held me against him as he tried to comfort and calm me. But the embrace made me cry hysterically. I couldn’t control it. I don’t remember ever crying like this.
“Shh, Ryan. I’ve got you, my boy,” he reassured me. “I’m not going to destroy you.”
He didn’t understand and I wasn’t sure that I knew how to explain this fear to him.
