“Not really. I’m sorry if I seem short or annoyed. I’m not. I’m just out of it from being so tired. I think I’m going to call out sick from work today. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt thisbad.”
“Ryan, I need to see youtoday.”
“I don’t want you to catch this cold or flu. The aches areterrible.”
Fuck, I sounded like I couldn’t handle what he gave meyesterday.
“Ryan, you’re not coming down with a cold. You’redropping.”
No, that wasn’t happening. Bottoms and subs dropped. I wasn’t either of those. Before I agreed to see him, I had to ask him this burning question over thephone.
“Russell, do Tops or Dominantsdrop?”
I prayed for a “yes” response. A “yes” response meant that I could be dropping, but a “no” response meant that I was something that I didn’t think was possible. If I was dropping or dropped, or whatever the fuck it’s called, and if he said “yes,” then I would be okay. If he said “yes,” it also meant that Kim and April had beenright.
“Anyone can drop, Ryan. It has nothing to do with you or your strength, but it has everything to do with a chemical reaction in your body. Please, do not question yourself. I’d like to see you so we can discuss.Okay?”
“Okay, that might be good because I’m feelingweir—”
“Off,” he interrupted, preventing me from sayingweird.
He wanted to help me understand what was happening, and he calmed me down over the phone. I told him that would be fine and arranged for me to go over to his house as soon as I got dressed and droveover.
All the way over, I told myself that I wasn’t going to stay long. But I thought he might be able to help me make sense of all of this. If nothing else, at least maybe I could get him to beat on me. I thought that another cathartic beating might help ease the pain and stress that I had been feeling. Yesterday’s had helped, but it was as though all of it hadresurfaced.
Either way, for whatever reason, I felt that Russell could help me. But that also left an unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach because I didn’t want to have to needanyone.
