Chapter Five
Russell
Iwaitedin the living room for Ryan to arrive. Many thoughts went through my head. Sadie had sent me the screenshots of Ryan’s texts that all pointed to him unraveling, or dropping. I had planned on reaching out to him this morning and catching him before he went to work, but as soon as I saw Sadie texts, my heart sank. But, he was on his way over and we’d talk. I’d explain what drop was and help him understand it so he could recognize the signs of it and could reach out tome.
When I opened the door, my young apprentice stood before me, aching for answers, guidance, and above all,acceptance.
“Ryan, please comein.”
He stepped inside and his hands went to the back of his neck and to his stomach. I could see the guilt on his face, and the way he held his body. I could tell by the way his shoulders were held slightly higher that he wastense.
“I’m sorry to bug you today, Russell. I won’t stay long. I just don’t know what tothink.”
I placed my hand on his shoulders and had hoped I’d feel him relax once he felt that I wasn’t a threat to him. His lips parted and he exhaled an audible sigh at the same time his shouldersrelaxed.
Good. He trusts me enough to come tome.
“Ryan, it wouldn’t make me a very good mentor if I only saw you during convenient times, or a set scheduled time frame. We can have that too, but this is all very new to you. I can’t bring you into a world where everything seems like a foreign language, and not be by your side tohelp.”
“Thank you. It’s just, I know you work andstuff.”
“That’s the benefit of doing what I do. I make my own schedule now, Ryan. I decide when I accept invitations to go teach seminars. My regular job allows me to work here and there while at home. Believe me when I say that my door and phone lines are open to you at anytime.”
I offered him coffee, and then we took it outside to the patio. He had been comfortable there yesterday and I felt that it was a good choice for us to sit and talk. He sat in the same seat in which he sat yesterday and set his hand nervously on hisstomach.
Relax.
“Tell me about last night after we finishedtexting.”
I had been careful to phrase it as a request about his events instead of asking him what happened, or what was wrong. Both of those have negative sounds to them and he was already at a delicate stage. He didn’t need to start off feeling like what he was experiencing waswrong.
“Well, I talked online with a few friends, Kim andApril.”
“They’re the ones who are also in the lifestyle,correct?”
“Yes.” Ryan paused and looked away and then down to his lap. After he put his hand on the back of his neck, he began talking again. “I sort of got mad at them aboutsomething.”
“Are you comfortable in telling me aboutit?”
“Yeah, because that’s what I think caused me to get weir—I mean,off.”
Good.
He’s grasping the idea that what he’s feeling wasn’t weird. I gave him a slow nod and smiled to let him know that I was proud of his reference to being “off” instead of “weird.” In return to the non-verbal praise, he smiled and his hand came away from hisneck.
“They asked me how the after care was, because they knew I hadn’t wanted any. But they said the time we spent on the patio was after care. I denied it. I thought that just bottoms or submissives received aftercare.”
I shook my head and sipped the coffee from my mug. I knew that his mind had worried needlessly last night over the “bottom” and “submissive” titles, especially since he came to me wanting to be a Service Top. He didn’t understand yet that his needs were just as important and they wouldn’t be met as aTop.
“Tops and Doms drop too, Ryan. It isn’t just for bottoms orsubs.”
He nodded and looked downagain.
“I thought just bottoms and subs got the after care and that it was cuddling and shit. I don’t cuddle, or lay around inbed.”
His head was still tilted downward as he verbally informed me about his thoughts on after care. In one of his emails, he had touched on the fact that he didn’t show affection. I didn’t believe that he wasn’t capable of it. I did believe that he hadn’t learned at a young age that affection was a good thing. Every time someone reached for him, they hurthim.
Ryan’s declaration about not cuddling or lying in bed with someone affectionately, made me recall how much his body gravitated against my hand during our session. His body and soul were starved for it. My theory on this had been validated by his email last night; he liked when I rubbed my hands over hisskin.
