Ryan: I think I really fucked up with Russell. He asked me to tell him something from our session that I would have liked more of. I told him that I would have liked to be flogged more and that I liked it when he rubbed over the places that hehit.
Oh fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! When I read that text back, I realized I had seriously fucked up with the email. His question asked me to tell him something that I would have liked more of. Something, not multiple things. I didn’t read! Fuck, I had blown it. I couldn’t even follow a simple, goddamninstruction.
Ryan: Shit, Sadie. He only asked for one thing and I put two! I know he’s precise and likes things followed, and I still fucked itup.
I raced to the laptop and brought it back to bed with me. I booted it up and tried to see if I could recall the message. My finger hovered over the recall button. I hesitated as I thought this through. If I recalled it, would it look worse? Then I wouldn’t have sent him a response before I went to bed like he asked meto.
I wasn’t even able to make this decision on my own. What the fuck? I grabbed my phone again and opened up the text string withSadie.
Ryan: Would it look bad for me to recall the message? If I do, I’ll be able to send him a revised email without my dumbass comment about having liked him rubbing over my skin he hit. Then it’ll just contain the one thing like he had asked. But if I recall it and send a revised one, then it won’t look like I followed his request of having sent it when he had askedme.
I knew she wasn’t up yet to see or respond to my texts. Why had I sent those texts to her in the middle of the night? I was such a dick. I set the laptop to the side and turned on the TV. For another hour or so, I stared at the TV, but I had been thinking of what my error with Russell may have costme.
How could I have been so stupid? He’s sought out by a lot of people and he was willing to spend time with me and teach me things. But I fucked it up. Three hours after my first desperate looking text to Sadie, I got aresponse.
Sadie: Ryan, are youokay?
I was. I thought. I was so happy to see her text that I hadn’t been bothered by the fact she asked if I was okay. I frantically typed my reply and then waited for hersagain.
Ryan: Yes, I’m fine. Should I recall theemail?
Sadie: No, your reply was fine. Have you talked to Russell thismorning?
Ryan:No.
I think Russell’s ears must of have been burning because moments later I got a text fromhim.
Russell: Ryan are youup?
Fuck! Was he mad about the email? Was he mad that I had included two things that I had liked? Was he mad about what I said I liked? Was he offended that I said I’d change or didn’t need the girl? Oh, shit, I hadn’t thought that that may have offendedhim.
Ryan:Yes.
Fuck! One word responses can make someone look like they’re being a douche or adick.
Ryan: Sorry, I hit send too fast. I meant, yes, I am upalready.
I fucking had been up for hours. I needed more sleep because I still felt likeshit.
Russell: May I callyou?
Ryan:Sure.
Sadie and Nick would be so pissed at me for making their friend mad. I answered the incoming call as soon as it popped up on myscreen.
“Hello,” Isaid.
“Hey,Ryan.”
“Hey.”
“How did you sleep?” heasked.
“Fine.” Did it sound like I was being short with him? “Sorry, I meant fine.”Don’t lie to him.“Actually, I’ve been restless.”Don’t be doom and gloom.“But I think it’s just because I’m coming down with a cold orflu.”
“Are you not feelingwell?”
Why did I feel like I didn’t have to have my guard up with him? I slumped back against the pillows and rubbed mystomach.
