She gives me a soft smile. “It’s okay if you wanted him to chase you, uh—you know, like in the sense that he goes to you. I mean…” She groans. “You know what I mean, right?”
I can’t help but laugh, but tears sting my eyes.
“I know what you mean.” I sip my coffee to hide the fact I’m on the verge of crying because it’s hitting me again that Jaxon never called, even if I didn’t want him too.
Or maybe I did want him to… maybe I still do, and that’s why it hurts.
“It’s okay to be angry with him, but if you still want him despite what he did and despite him being an ass, that’s okay too. Sometimes people make mistakes, and this is why communication is so important.”
“We used to do that well.”
“Sure, in a certain type of setting. The sexual part, I assume, but if relationships were easy, people wouldn’t split up or get divorced.”
With a sigh, I fold up the napkin around my muffin and push it aside. “I’m too young to worry about forever, anyway.”
“Are you, though?” she asks.
“I’m only eighteen.”
“Yeah, and? That means you give up happiness when you find it because of your age?”
“Amelia—”
“I’m just saying, Sailor.” She puts her hands up. “Stop worrying about what other people may think—what you do inyour free time, your age, your relationship status—and focus on what you want. Screw other people.”
I thought I had been focusing on what I want, but suddenly, I wonder if part of me is still scared to go all the way.
My grocery delivery comes right on time, all the bags left on the porch like I requested. I bring them inside as unease crawls up my spine. Maybe it’s just my nerves and having the door unlocked for so long, but maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s an actual feeling that someone is watching me… I push it aside, not willing to worry about it. If I want to stay stuck where I am, then sure, I should worry. But I need to move forward.
I put away the groceries where they belong, then dig through my fridge for something to make for dinner. It’s late, and I should have gotten something easy like a frozen pizza, but when I put the order in earlier, I wasn’t thinking about that, and ordering take out now would take forever.
Mac and cheese it is.
As I sit on the couch in front of the TV, with my big ceramic bowl of box mac and cheese, browsing the channels for something to watch, a pang hits my chest. Something dark and heavy that I haven’t felt in a very long time.
I always miss my family, my parents and grandparents, but I’ve learned to deal with that pain, and each day it got a little better until it went away completely. It was no longer a physical thing, just a mental thing. Of course I miss them, but I couldget through my day without the heaviness of loss weighing me down.
But this feeling that is sitting on my chest right now? It’s too reminiscent of those days, and I don’t know why. I’m where I want to be. I’m back in my house. Safe. In school. Living my life without regretting anything.
This is what I wanted. So why does it feel so damn awful? So… lonely?
My phone dings from the end table, and I glance at it.
It’s a message from Shadow, and though it sparks a little excitement in my chest, it’s flat.
What we did was good, it was fun… but he wasn’t Jaxon. It wasn’t the same because the emotional connection wasn’t there, and I can’t lie that Jaxon and I connected on so many levels. It wasn’t just the sexual stuff, it was everything. It was him understanding me. Our late-night conversations. The ease in which I could talk to him. Feeling protected. And the physical attraction was out of this world.
It’s obvious to myself, even if I won’t admit it out loud to Amelia, that I’m not over Jaxon. But like I told myself going into this... the only way I will get over him is to move on, move forward, and don’t look back. So when Jaxon comes into my mind, I have to push him out.
We’re done. That’s it. It’s time to let it go.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: How are things?
I mix my mac and cheese to cool it while I think over my response.
We haven’t spoken much over the last couple of weeks because I’ve been hiding out. I’m trying to get used to being home alone, classes started, and I need to get back into a routine. I’m alsodealing with the fact that I went through the last couple of months in a fog. I missed all the holidays… every one of them. Normally I love Halloween, and even make myself a turkey dinner on Thanksgiving. Christmas was usually kind of sad, but I somehow managed to pretend they didn’t exist at all this year because of everything going on.
Holidays are usually a tough time for me, since I’m alone, but this year… it’s like they never happened at all, and part of me thinks that’s worse.
