I appreciate Shadow checking in on me, though. Maybe with some time, I can forget about Jaxon and move on because I can connect with other people. Not necessarily with Shadow, but maybe. And it’s right now I realize that’s one of my biggest fears coming out of all this. Connecting with people has never been easy, not in real life, and I need to figure out how to do that better. It needs to be as natural to me as meeting people online.
Through chatting with Jaxon, I got to know him. He never held back and let me get to know him, even if I never saw his face. We shared lots of things about our lives. He was an open book, and that’s what made everything with him so easy. There was no judgment, no lies, just us being open and honest with one another, in all aspects of our lives.
It’s not that Shadow isn’t doing that, but I haven’t given him the opportunity either. I’m the one being cautious here, but the only way I’ll move forward is by not holding myself back. If I want to get to know Shadow, then I need to make it known.
Golden_Phoenix: Okay. Glad to be back at school. What have you been up to?
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Not much, really. Just working.
Golden_Phoenix: What do you do for work?
It takes him a few minutes to respond, so I eat as I wait.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Just a family business thing. Kinda boring.
Narrowing my eyes, I consider his words. Is this him not wanting to get into his personal life because it’s boring or because he doesn’t want to share parts of himself? I guess I can’t blame him if it’s the latter; we don’t know each other and haven’t discussed what is going on or what we are doing. So maybe I should ask. Instead of waiting for something bad to happen later, it’s best to get the expectations out of the way now.
Golden_Phoenix: So what are you hoping will happen with us?
LMCYTTWACYAGG: I’d love to see you again. I’m willing to travel the extra distance.
Borderline desperate, okay.
Golden_Phoenix: And is that all this is?
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Are you asking if I want to be in a relationship with you?
Golden_Phoenix: I would just like to know where this is going.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Can’t we just go with the flow and see how things end up?
That weight in my chest gets a little heavier, but I talk myself through what he just said. Is this him telling me he doesn’t want anything else, or is it just him wanting to figure things out? We don’t need to put a label on it. We can keep is casual. It doesn’t have to be as intense as it was with Jaxon, because Shadow isn’t Jaxon. This is different. And maybe it’s my lack of experience with relationships that’s making this so awkward.
Golden_Phoenix: Of course. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page and keep open communication. That’s important with this sort of thing, right?
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Definitely
I don’t think too much into his minimal response, and instead finish my food and focus on the TV.
Chapter Twenty
Sailor
I chose a late-night class on Tuesday nights and told myself I wouldn’t let my fear hold me back. It’s a class I need, and I’d like to get it over with this semester rather than waiting until the next one. It’s a three and a half hour class, so the sooner I can get it done, the better.
But now I sit in my car, staring at the front door of my house that’s ten feet away, terrified to get out. Why? What am I scared of? If Jaxon hasn’t bothered with me yet, he won’t do it now. Am I worried about someone else getting me? That was never a concern before. In fact, I was comfortable living alone, and only until I was kidnapped did it start to bother me. All the times Jaxon broke in… it was different.
So maybe this has nothing to do with Jaxon at all, and it is just some trauma from someone breaking into my house with bad intentions? That sounds right. Hell, that sounds like anormalreaction. But it brings up a ton of new fears. All this time, I’ve been worried about Jaxon… maybe I should worry about the people who took me in the first place. My fear is misplaced. Itshouldn’t be aimed at Jaxon, at least not entirely… it should be aimed at his mother.
“Not the sort of thing you should deal with right now, Sailor,” I chastise myself before grabbing my purse from the passenger seat.
With my keys in hand, I hurry out the door, slamming it a little too hard as I rush toward my house. The porch light is on, but I fumble with the keys, dropping them twice before finally getting a good enough grasp on them and shoving the key into the top lock. I turn it to unlock it, but nothing happens. It stuns me, my entire body still as a stone. I reach for the door knob, twist, and push. The door opens, swinging inward with an eerie creak.
Did I forget to lock my door when I left?
No, I wouldn’t have. I couldn’t have. I was so nervous about coming home late, that I would have made sure it was locked.
Right?
