I go on to explain more to her. About the confusing thoughts I had in the beginning, but didn’t want to bring them up to Sam because it didn’t feel right. And how when he showed up, things with him didn’t feel right either. She agreed that feelings areimportant, and that I made the right decision in breaking things off and trying to stay friends.
“So… why are you staying with him now then? Isn’t it… weird?”
“Weird is an understatement.”
“So…” she says when I don’t add anything else.
Why am I staying with Sam now?
Because Jaxon killed someone. I saw him shove his ex-girlfriend off a cliff.
I can trust Amelia. I know she won’t judge anything I say. But murder? That’s a whole different level. That’s not the kind of thing you can tell just anyone… even if you are close with them and trust them. And I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that Jaxon trusted me with it so easily—no prep beforehand; no threats afterward. It’s like he knows I won’t say anything…
I had nothing to do with it, but I did witness it, and didn’t say anything about it. That could get me into trouble all on its own. But as I really think about that and what to tell Amelia, I realize it’s not my biggest concern, so there’s no reason to bring it up.
My concern is Jaxon. I don’t want him to get in trouble. Of course, I don’t want to be in trouble either, but I don’t wanthergettinghiminto trouble. And I don’t want her hating him.
What is wrong with me? Why am I protecting him?
I don’t dwell on it and instead tell her as much as I can. The sooner I do, the sooner we can get onto the subject of Jaxon and maybe work outsomething.
I start from the beginning, telling her all of it.
Losing my journal. Jaxon finding it then me. The games we played. The whirlwind it turned into. The way I felt. How amazing it all was.
She’s gaping when I sneak a look at her. I swear there are little hearts in her eyes.
“But then… I was taken.”
“Taken?” she blurts. “What do you meantaken?”
I tell her about his mother, leaving out Mindy because I don’t want that coming back to either of us. As lies usually do, they come out fluidly. Amelia doesn’t question a thing, just listens intently. I tell her how much it terrified me, because his family is wrapped up in messed up things, even ifheisn’t. It’s still scary being that close to it.
“Sailor, oh my god. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I understand why you’ve kept your distance. That’s a lot to deal with.”
“I don’t know what to think about all of it.”
“About what?” she asks.
“Getting wrapped up in that kind of world, and—”
“But he saved you, Sailor.”
I chew on my lip, considering her words. Of course, I’ve thought of this so many times myself. She’s not wrong. Hedidsave me. But there’s more to it, more to the story that I can’t say. Does that negate everything else? All the good he did? I could have died without him coming for me… Mindy would have killed me, or so he says. It’s not that I don’t believe him, it’s just hard to believe the truth in general. An eye for an eye… is that what he thinks he did? Is that how he justifies ending someone’s life?
“I won’t tell you what to do,” she says. “But I will give you my opinion, and I hope you consider what I’m going to say.” I nod so she knows I’m listening, then she continues. “Maybe he’s into some dark things, and that scares you a little because it’s new and a lot and not the norm. But he saved you from his family. He protected you. He did the right thing here. Don’t take out his family’s mistakes on him, especially if he’s choosing to distance himself from it. And I didn’t know you before him, but I’ve seen you with him, and without. And, babe? You were so much happier when you were with him.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her that he killed someone, but I can’t risk it.
There are two ways that could go. She freaks out and calls the police. Or she keeps going down the same road, telling me he did it to protect me.
Which, I suppose, he did.
Mindy is the one who took me.
Jaxon protected me.
He stopped her from ever hurting me again, but who’s to say she would have? Two wrongs don’t make a right, but… that’s not the world we live in. It’s not so simple. And she’s telling me the exact thing I’ve been refusing to admit.
