When Harlan’sname appeared on my phone, my stomach sank. I wasn’t prepared to hear his voice or deal with how it made me feel. The discomfort that became so familiar when he left has made a reappearance in earnest. I’m still on edge as I lean on the kitchen counter with my phone in my hand. He sounded so fucking devastated, and I hate that I still react to him at all.
I think about the ring I thought was hidden away in the top of the closet. It hadn’t occurred to me he would go through the box shoved away in the corner. I haven’t been able to look in there, knowing that a small piece of jewelry that was going to change my life is packed away. I had planned to take him to Cartagena during the offseason. I envisioned sunrise on the beach, overlooking the Caribbean. It was our favorite place to travel together, exploring the Old City, and swimming in the ocean. Harlan was always so fascinated by the city’s history and would spend hours just admiring the architecture as we walkedthe streets shopping with the local vendors. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to visit again without memories of him consuming me.
I was a disaster the day he left. I collapsed on the floor in the foyer and cried for hours after he left with Penelope. The only time I left the house was for the team, but Coach ended up benching me when I dropped more than one ball that should have been easily caught. My bat was completely cold, and I was dragging the team down, which is never a good thing. It was especially unwelcome during the playoffs. I’m still convinced we lost the World Series because of how terribly I played.
I spent part of the offseason in Florida with my family, and the rest in San Francisco with my best friend, Travis, licking my wounds and hiding from reality and gossip columns trying to get information about our breakup. We managed to keep it mostly out of the public eye, but it didn’t take much to put it together, thanks to the change in socials, along with Harlan’s change of location. I made one statement in a moment of weakness, just claiming the split was amicable, and that we wish each other well.
Now, with the season back in full swing, it feels good to get back to normal. I’ve been hitting the gym, and I’m all the way on in the batter’s box. Thank god, because I really don’t want to risk a trade after the shit show I was at the end of last season. Getting traded would be my breaking point.
A little over a month ago, after one of our first home games, AJ and Jules insisted on going out. I did everything I could to get out of it, but they didn’t give me a choice. I know they were worried about me. They still are, I think. I was nursing a drink at the bar when a beautiful blond man sidled up next to me. He flashed me a shy smile when he ordered his drink. I didn’t mean to start a conversation, but the alcohol had me feeling chatty.
Jasper and I spent the night in the corner of the bar talking about everything and nothing. He was funny and kind, and itwas clear that he couldn’t have cared less that I play baseball. The number of times I’ve been approached by men just because of who I am is frustrating. It makes it hard to know who is genuine and who is just trying to get in bed with a famous ball player. It was the first time I hadn’t thought about Harlan in months. We exchanged numbers, and I asked him out a few weeks later. He’s been great, accepting that I need to go slow, knowing that I have trust issues to work through. It’s been casual for the most part, but I know that he’s looking for more.
“Darío, is everything ok?” I didn’t hear him approach, but I melt into him when he wraps his arms around me from behind. The comfort of his touch settles my nerves, and I exhale a long breath. I hum at the contact.
“Yeah, babe. Sorry.” I spin, wrapping my arms around his small frame. Jasper is only five foot eight, so I dwarf him, but I love the way he feels in my arms. It’s so different from Harlan, who is taller and much broader. I hate myself for comparing them. They’re nothing alike, which is probably why I felt comfortable pursuing anything with Jas in the first place.
“What did Harlan want?” His voice is hesitant and small. Jasper doesn’t ask for much detail regarding my history. He’s been easygoing and accepts what I’m willing to share without pushing. It hurts that he’s nervous right now. I want to reassure him, but my thoughts are all over the place.
“He was drunk. Penelope was there and took care of it.” I lean in to kiss his forehead. “Ready to go back to the movie? Are you staying tonight?” I don’t often invite him to stay, but tonight I need to be close to him, get lost in him. A reminder to both of us that we’re here together.
“Do you want me to stay tonight? This isn’t some weird guilt thing because your ex called?” Jasper looks at me with his big doe eyes, so I cup his face and kiss his nose.
“It has nothing to do with guilt, Jas. I have nothing to feel guilty about, and you have nothing to be jealous of. You don’t have to stay if you’d rather go home.” He scrunches his nose at me and pouts. His puffy pink lips are shiny with gloss, and I lean into him for another kiss. I meant for it to be slow and affectionate, but he takes it in a more heated direction. Spending the night with Jasper is exactly the distraction I need right now.
“You know I’d rather be with you. Let’s finish the movie, then you can take me to bed.” He smiles brightly and pulls me back to the living room. When I’ve settled on the couch, he curls up in my lap, snuggled close. He smells like honey and something sweet.
“Mmm, you smell so good, baby.” I inhale against his neck, and he giggles. Pinning him against me, I start to suck and kiss, making him squirm. “I want to eat you,” I growl as I suck behind his ear, eliciting a moan from his beautiful mouth.
“Darío,” he pants, rubbing against me. My cock is already leaking, desperate for attention. “Don’t stop,” he demands.
“Maybe I should take you to bed right now,” I rumble into his ear.
“I could be convinced,” he sighs, breathless as I continue my exploration. “It’s not like I can concentrate when you do this.” He grinds his ass onto my erection, moaning loudly. My mind wanders to when I used to have Harlan in a similar position on this same sofa, and all the filthy noises I was able to draw from him. I’m such a piece of shit for thinking of him with Jasper in my arms. That call has me so fucked up.
Turning to straddle me fully, he arches his neck, allowing me better access. “Fuck, you feel so good, Darío.” I grab his ass and tug him back and forth over my aching cock, and he fists his hands in my hair. “Let’s go to bed.”
I stand with my arms wrapped tightly around him, and he locks his legs around my waist. He laughs the whole wayupstairs, kissing my face and neck along the way. No matter how much I try to focus on Jasper, the ghost of Harlan is demanding and unyielding. I glance at the door of the spare room, where we spent our last night. I haven’t stepped foot in there since he left. The bed is still unmade, and I’m guessing everything is covered in dust. Ok, fine, I know it’s gross, but I can’t open that door.
“Dare, where’d you go?” Jasper calling me ‘Dare’ jolts me back to the present, and I realize I’ve stopped us in the middle of the hall. I shake my head, meeting his questioning gaze.
“You never call me Dare.” I realize I avoided his question, but my wires feel crossed right now. I ease him to his feet and reach around him to open my bedroom door. I need to get it together. Fucking Harlan.
“Sorry,Darío.Is Dare reserved for the team and Harlan?” I can hear the frustration in his tone. He crosses his arms over his chest protectively, his eyes wary and hurt.
“I didn’t say that. I was making an observation,” I snap. The need to be defensive courses under my skin, locked and ready for an argument. I know I shouldn’t, that I should just apologize and get back to the calm night we were having together.
“You’ve been off since the phone call. I’m not stupid,Darío.” The emphasis on my name for the second time further ratchets up my defenses. “You were very honest in the beginning about how your last relationship fucked you up. You won’t talk about it more than that, and right now I feel like I’m competing for space with someone who shouldn’t be here.” He sits on the edge of the bed and stares at me expectantly.
“I’m here with you, Jasper. Not Harlan. You’re the one who keeps bringing him up.” I cross my arms, leaning against the dresser opposite the bed. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.” The urge to walk away is strong, but I hold his gaze, waiting.
“You haven’t needed to bring him up; he’s a wall between the two of us right now. It’s like you keep expecting him to pop out of a corner or open the door announcing his return. And where does that leave me? Leaveus?” Jasper’s hazel eyes drop to his lap, where he’s fidgeting with his stacked silver rings.
I stay silent for longer than is comfortable, and his fidgeting gets more intense and uneasy. “I haven’t spoken to him since the night he left. I wasn’t expecting his call tonight.” Bits and pieces of that night fight to the forefront of my mind, flooding me with emotions I wish I didn’t have to relive.
“Can you tell me what happened?” His voice is soft, anxious. I sit next to him, and he takes my hand. “I’m not trying to push you, but there are times where I feel like you’re not here with me, you know? And I never really understood it, but now, after that call, it’s like all those times, but so much worse. I can’t compete with a ghost, Darío. I don’twantto compete with a ghost.” His vulnerability lowers my defenses, and I look at him.
I inhale deeply, ready to cut out the scabs on my heart. Harlan already made the first slice tonight. “We were together for three years. He was here on a work visa with Lust & Lace. In September, he got a call that his renewal was denied. If they couldn’t overturn it, he’d have to go to London. He was supposed to apply for citizenship so he could stay, but the government makes the process so difficult, and we didn’t think his visa would get denied.”
