I nod, but I won’t promise her anything. I’m already close to a complete meltdown. “Go on.”
“He was dancing with a guy. At first, I wasn’t sure if they had just met there, or whatever. When he saw me, he came over to say hi, and the guy he had been dancing with came over with him. They’ve been dating for a few weeks.” My head fills with white noise, and I feel like I’m going to pass out. Pen takes my wine out of my hand before placing both of our drinks on the table. “Harlan, breathe.”
I don’t think Icanbreathe. I know he’s allowed to move on with his life, but it hurts all the same. “Who is he?” I rasp. The thought of someone else kissing him, dancing with him, of someone sleeping in our bed with him, is too much to process.
“It doesn’t matter, Harlan. He deserves to be happy, but so do you. You can’t keep holding on like this.” Penelope strokes my curls, and I lean into her touch. I don’t even know the last time I received affection from someone. I haven’t tried to make friends with anyone, at work or otherwise. I don’t go out, not even for food shopping. If it can be delivered, it gets delivered.
I reach for my wine and chug it. Then I chug Penelope’s. “I’m not sure I’m capable of being happy anymore.” I get up to grab the bottle and settle back on the sofa. I draw my knees up to my chin and start to drink straight from the bottle. “What does he look like?” I wonder if he’s as pretty as I am. I used to love it when Dare told me how beautiful I was. I’m sure he’s telling this guy that, too.
“Nope. We’re not doing this. I know you don’t want to hear this, but he was very nice. Darío wasn’t doing well. You broke his heart. He’s healing, and while I’m here, that’s exactly whatyou will start doing. Show me to my room so I can shower and change.” She removes the bottle from my hand, despite my protests. It’s going to be a long few months living with my bossy best friend.
Once I have her settled in her room, I go to mine. I stare at my phone screen for a bit before I pull up my contacts. I know I shouldn’t do this to myself. And if we’re being honest, I know I shouldn’t do it to Darío. My thumb hovers over the ‘call’ button for long enough that I should know better. I don’t even know what I would say if I called him. The wine has made my thoughts feel disjointed. The thought of Darío with someone else is too much to bear. Before I can think about it for too much longer, I dial his number.
The phone rings twice before his deep voice comes through the speaker, sounding surprised, but more than that, he sounds concerned. “Harlan?” At least he didn’t delete my number, I guess. “Lan, is that you?” My breath hitches, and I’m not sure I can speak.
I don’t answer right away. I have no idea what I was thinking. “Sorry,” I mutter. “I shouldn’t have called.” I think my speech may be a bit slurred, but I can’t be sure. His voice iseverything. I feel a piece of my bloody, bruised heart trying to fix itself. The relief I find in my name on his lips is a balm. In the back of my mind, I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don’t physically respond to the sound of his voice.
“It’s ok. Are you ok?” He sounds unsure and too formal. It makes me irrationally emotional. Why is he talking to me like he doesn’t know me? He reallydoesn’tknow this broken version of me.
“No. I’m a mess.” I feel my eyes well with hot tears, and shame washes over me. Shame for what I did, shame for how I’ve been behaving for the last six months, shame for calling him now, and dumping this on him.
“Are you drinking, Harlan? Are you alone?” The concern in his voice stings and soothes. He’s probably judging me. He can join the club. I do that whenever I look at myself in the mirror.
“I had some wine,” I mumble, embarrassed.
I hear rustling on the other end of the line, and his voice is muffled for a moment. “I’ll be right back, babe.” I may be drunk, but I heard him say ‘babe,’ and he wasn’t talking to me.
“Who is ‘babe’? Remember when you called me that?” I’m pouting. Actually pouting. It's embarrassing that I can’t stop this catastrophe from playing out. The train is barreling full speed into a complete trash fire.
“Why did you call me, Harlan?” The sharpness in his tone really hurts my feelings.
“I don’t know. Because I miss you? Because London sucks. Take your pick, Darío.” I inhale a watery breath and rub my eyes, trying to keep it together. Letting out a long sigh, I continue quietly. “Did you know I found the ring box? I couldn’t open it, it probably would have killed me. I know you heard me crying, because I heard the door open.” The memory still fucking hurts. I held a piece of my future in my hands that I’ll never get to experience because of my reckless choices.
He sucks in a sharp breath at the mention of the ring. This was a decidedly bad idea, but we’re already here, may as well go all in. I’ve lost it all already, anyway. I can’t hit rock bottom more than once if I haven’t dug my way out from the first time. Everything feels dark and lonely without him.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Harlan. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time in London. I’m sorry you found the ring. I never meant for you to see it.” I wish he’d keep talking to me. I wish he’d tell me that he misses me too, that he’s struggling without me. I wonder if his boyfriend has slept on my pillows. “I’m sorry this is how it all turned out. I can’t fix any of that for you. I can’t take back the choices you made.”
I can’t keep up with all of his ‘I’m sorry’ list, so I focus on the ring. “I did see it, though. Not that it matters, but I would have said yes. I can’t imagine not saying yes to you over and over again.”Jesus, Harlan. Dignity? Don’t know her.My filter is completely broken. He stays silent, so I continue to pick at the festering wounds. “Do you love him?”
“It doesn’t matter, Harlan. We’re done, we’ve been done for over six months because of a choiceyoumade.” His exasperation hurts. Of course it’s my fault, I know this. My heart is in my throat, my eyes are burning. “I told you I needed time, that I couldn’t have contact with you. You didn’t respect me at the end of our relationship, and you’re not respecting my boundaries even now.”
Just as I’m about to unload more of my gigantic, dramatic bloody feelings, my door bursts open. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Harlan James Bishop. Please tell me you didn’t.” Busted. Pen stares at me disapprovingly from the doorway.
“Penelope is here,” I tell him, helpfully.
“I can hear that. Please take care of yourself. You’re better than whatever it is you’re doing to yourself. You have to let go of this. You’re only hurting yourself, Lan,” he chides. I’m not sure I am better than this, though. I’m not really sure about anything other than how I feel about Darío. Everything else is a disaster.
“I’m sorry I called. I’ve just missed you so much. I’m glad you’re doing better than I am,” I slur into the phone. I don’t tell him I love him, though the desire to do just that is so strong, I’m shocked it doesn’t fall out of my mouth anyway. At least my filter held steady at the end.
“Ok, Romeo. Say good night and let Dare go,” Penelope scolds gently, approaching me as if I were a feral animal. I end the call and let the phone fall to the bed, tears falling rapidly down my face. I swear, all I do is cry. That can’t be healthy at all.
“I just wanted to hear his voice, Pen.” My best friend climbs into bed with me and wraps her arms around my waist. “I can’t believe I cheated on him, and now he’s in love with someone else, and I hate it.” Nothing is heavier than the hatred I carry for myself, though.
“Harlan, he is not in love. It’s brand new, but he deserves a chance to be happy. I know that’s not what you want to hear. He’s forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself. Drinking yourself into the ground isn’t going to fix anything,” she murmurs into my hair.
“We were supposed to get married,” I cry. “We’re soulmates.” I feel my lip curl into a pout as I exhale a watery breath and lean into Pen. It’s something I’ve known deep down inside of me from the moment he entered my orbit. It wasn’t a slow realization, nor was it a massive shock to my system. It was something that settled calmly in my bones, like a piece that had been missing my whole life clicked comfortably in place. It was just kind of there—this knowledge that the other part of me existed inside him—and it gave me a peace I don’t know how to find anywhere else.
“You have no idea what the future holds, but you need to start with you. And that’s what I’m going to help you with while I’m here. We need to get you in therapy and back to the gym. We’re going to do amazing things on this project, and you’re going to take me all over London.” I let her voice calm me as she goes over her long to-do list while she visits. Pen is exactly what I need, and the last thing I think before I pass out is how lucky I am to have her.
