Jasper withdraws his hand from mine, and though barely noticeable, he shifts a bit away from me. He meets my eyes, and in them, I see the encouragement to continue, so I do. The space between us helps me breathe a bit easier as I continue to pour my heart out all over this room that still holds pieces of Harlan, pieces of my past that refuse to leave, no matter how hard I try to ignore them.
“I was with the team in LA when he got the call about the denial. He was scheduled to leave a few weeks later. He went to the club that night with his friend Penny and ended up getting drunk, and he cheated on me. He told me about it when we got back from LA, and I ended it.” My stomach bottoms out as I replay that day again. No matter how many times I have thought about that night, it never gets easier.
“Would you have still been together if he hadn’t cheated?” It’s something I’ve thought about at length when puzzling through what went wrong. I thought we were both on the same page despite Harlan’s hesitation to talk about it. Now, I wonder if he would have sabotaged it anyway, even if it hadn’t been that night. His emotions were volatile; everything in those few weeks felt unpredictable.
“I wanted to make it work, he said he wanted to make it work. But he kind of shut me out and wouldn’t talk about it.” I shrug. “He spiraled after the initial denial. He kept pulling away and shutting me out whenever I tried to talk about it. He stayed here until he left, but moved into one of the spare rooms after we broke up.”
“You still love him.” This wasn’t a question, and it’s on the tip of my tongue to deny it. I pause, allowing myself to consider the statement. Harlan wasn’t my first relationship, but thinking back on what Matt and I had, I’m sure I wasn’t in love with him. What I shared with Harlan felt like that once-in-a-lifetime thing you see in movies. I would have made fun of people for that before I understood what it was like when you fell asleep with your soulmate in your arms every night.
“I loved him, yes. I don’t want to lie to you. Am I still in love with him? No, but I’ll always care deeply about him. He was my first love, you know? I told him I needed a clean break when he left. No contact, no friendship. I knew I couldn’t heal if he still had a presence in my life. I was livid when he told me, but I washurt more than anything. He didn’t do it to hurt me. He did it to hurt himself, to give himself an out.” I watch Jasper’s face to see his reaction. I know it sounds like I’m defending Harlan. I’m not. He fucked up, but I understand him. He didn’t set out to hurt me.
His face is carefully neutral. “If he walked in the door tomorrow, or hell, right now, what would that mean for us?” I can feel the uncertainty seeping from him. His concerns are valid, no matter how much I want to pretend they aren’t.
“Nothing.” I don’t even think before I answer. “Our relationship is not contingent on where Harlan is, baby. He ensured we were over before he left, regardless of what his intentions were that night. I know he regrets it. I know he’s sorry, and I’ve forgiven him, but whether you were here or not, wouldn’t change the fact he broke my trust.” If I had thought for a split second that I could make it work with Harlan, I wouldn’t have ended things. In the end, the pain and the inability to trust would have been too much. We both deserved better than that.
“That’s all so sad,” he says simply. “I’m sorry for snapping. You have a history that doesn’t include me, and sometimes I let my insecurities get in the way.” He moves closer and rests his head on my shoulder.
“No, Jas. You have nothing to apologize for. I didn’t expect the call to affect me the way it did. I’m sorry I’m letting him in my head tonight.” I pull him into my lap and kiss his temple. He adjusts and settles against me with a small sigh.
“Do you think he’s ok?” The fact that he can show empathy for my ex means more to me than it should, especially since I feel so guilty for how I’ve allowed Harlan to ruin my night.Ournight.
“No, I don’t think he’s ok. But it’s not my job to manage his feelings, and as hard as it is, it’s also not my business. I told him we both needed to heal, and from the sound of it, he’snot. There’s nothing I can do to change that for him.” I’m glad Penelope is with him. Hopefully she can help him get his shit together. We sit in silence for a while, letting our feelings settle.
“Let’s get washed up and in bed.” Jasper eases himself out of my arms and pulls me to the bathroom. The heat between the two of us has cooled completely, but the need to be close to him is stronger than ever. I help him strip before shedding my own clothes.
Once the shower is warm enough, we climb in together, navigating the space comfortably. I wash his hair for him, taking the time to massage his scalp as he leans against me. “Thank you for letting me talk to you. I know that couldn’t have been easy,” I murmur near his ear.
Our shower doesn’t lead to anything more. My head is a confusing mess of feelings that I can’t process, and I’m not sure I’m in the right headspace to do anything more. I’ve had a few casual hookups since Harlan and I split, but Jasper is the first person I’ve consistently taken to bed with me. Once we’re rinsed, I grab our towels from the hooks near the shower and hand him one. My mind is currently in London, with my ex, and nothing will get me out of the mood quicker than thinking of Harlan hurting.
In the bedroom, we dress for bed in silence, before climbing under the covers. Once I’ve shut the lights off, Jasper turns to me and cups my face. “Thank you for trusting me rather than shutting me out. Can I ask you something else?”
I lean down to kiss him before I answer. “Anything.”
“Did you sleep with him after you broke up?” He runs his fingers up and down my bare chest, raising goosebumps along my skin.
“The night before he left. I heard him crying when I came up for bed. We both did that a lot, but I wanted a chance to talk to him before he left. It wasn’t my intention, but when I was lyingwith him, we kind of…I’m sorry, this is too much.” I cut myself off. There’s no way he wants to hear about that night.
“Darío, it’s ok. You can tell me as much or as little as you want.” His reassurance calms my anxiety a bit.
“He asked if we could. Like a goodbye.” The image of Harlan crying so hard he couldn’t catch his breath, while Penelope had to practically carry him, is burned into my psyche. I have never felt more helpless and broken in my life.
“I’m sorry he hurt you. You deserved better,” he whispers against my shoulder. The visceral and immediate reaction I have to defend Harlan steals my breath. Harlan isn’t the villain despite what he did. He’s living with his choices every day. Unfortunately, so am I.
“Hurt people hurt people,” I settle on. “Harlan is a lot of things. He’s emotional and reactionary. But he loves hard, and sometimes his emotions overwhelm him. I wasn’t home when he found out, and he made a shitty choice. I know that’s not my fault, but he was honest the moment I stepped through the door. I would have never known if he hadn’t told me.” Harlan is still punishing himself for what he did if his phone call is any indication.
Jasper doesn’t say anything for a long time, and I find myself replaying the conversation with Harlan again and again. Minutes, or maybe hours later, Jasper’s whispered question brings me back to the present. “Will you ever be able to love me the way you love him?”
I’m not sure how to answer, so I don’t. I also don’t miss the way he said ‘love’ instead of ‘loved.’ The silence that follows is not as comfortable as it was before. Jas is tense in my arms for a bit before his breathing evens out. Guilt eats at me, because this boy deserves someone entirely devoted to him. I just hope I can eventually be the man to give him that.
HavingPenelope with me for the last few weeks has made me feel more human than I have in months. I’m more connected to my work, actually excited to socialize, and I’ve finally agreed to talk to someone professional about what’s been going on in my head. She’s been mothering me to death, making sure I’m eating and hydrating, and she dumped all my alcohol. It’s amazing what a little self-care—and tough love from your bestie—will do for the body.
When I step into the bathroom, I peel off the compression leggings and top I wore for my run and look in the mirror. I’m sweaty and gross, but at least the persistent dark circles under my eyes have faded. The only thing I have adamantly refused to do is go out to a club. Until now. Since it’s a Friday, and we’ve had a successful week at work, Penelope insisted we go out to celebrate, and I finally caved and said yes. When I step under the water, an involuntary groan leaves me as the water hits my aching back. My body is still adjusting to physical activity again.
“Harlan? Are you almost ready?” Pen’s muffled voice is coming from my bedroom, which means I may have taken too long on my run. The running has really helped clear my head, so I try to get in 8k a day. I aim for sunrise every morning, but the persistent overcast, gray skies of London rarely deliver.
“In the shower,” I shout. “I’ll be ready in half an hour.” I finish scrubbing my body and washing my hair, wishing I could stay under the warm water a bit longer.
I find my best friend sitting on my rumpled bed. She’s dressed in a tiny black dress that looks like it barely covers her arse. Her blonde hair is in a messy ponytail on top of her head. It probably took her ages to get it to look that way. I know the red heels she’s wearing will have her complaining later, but she looks hot. “Have you even decided what you’re wearing tonight?”
