“Obviously.” I laughed, and Roys joined me, stifling the sound by burying himself further against my neck.
His arm around my waist, cradled me like he couldn’t imagine letting me be anywhere else. I didn’t want to be anywhere else. There had never been a person I felt so content with. It was always about sex, and sex was great. It allowed for a moment of intimacy without all the entanglements of emotions, but now…
I didn’t want to become untangled. These strings binding us were comforting rather than restrictive. I wanted to wrap us together, so knotted that nothing could tear us apart.
“I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have, like bringing up your using, shit like that,” I muttered, cheeks hot from the memories.
“I said cruel things too.”
“Because I started it.”
“Doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have taken the bait. We’ve all had shitty superior officers using any excuse to hurt us. I never should have even considered taking that route.”
I removed my head from his shoulder so we were face to face. Even like this, I didn’t have enough of him, so my hand fell on his neck where my thumb brushed the scruff along his jaw. “You never were and never could be like any of the officers lording over us before. They never gave a damn about us, and you did from the moment you showed up.”
“Is that a compliment?”
“Of course not. You were doing the bare minimum, so I’m just stating a fact.” I kissed the smile already forming on his lips, and I lingered there getting my fill of him, although there couldn’t possibly beenough.“I’m just trying to apologize for being an asshole, although I can’t promise that I won’t be again in the future.”
“In the future?” he repeated.
My stomach sank. He caught the implication. I felt it in the sudden slack around my waist. He could shatter everything with a word and I wasn’t ready to risk that yet. I swallowed hard and pushed away, standing to wash off rather than face his rejection.
“You know, the rest of this tour.” I scrubbed soap along my arms. “Anyway, we’ve been here a while. We should finish up.”
“Ethin.” Groaning, Roys stood and pressed a gentle kiss to my shoulder, with half his weight against my back. “I’d like this, us, to have a future outside of sneaking around, but you know I… I have a son, and I would understand if that isn’t something you want.”
He made a point. Kids were always for other people. Family, too. I had hookups and made poor decisions. I was not parent material.
“I never really thought about kids,” I muttered.
If Roys and I had a future, and that was a mighty big if, Malwin would be part of it.
Roys settled his arms around my waist and his chin on my shoulder. “You’re panicking.”
I was. My breathing wouldn’t steady, and Roys took to shampooing my hair because my body ceased functioning. My brain, however, wouldn’t shut the fuck up.
“You realize that if I met Malwin, that would be an utter catastrophe.” I closed my eyes when he told me to. Suds rolled down my face that he wiped away.
“He’d adore you, although I have to request you tame your vocabulary.”
“That wouldn’t change who I am, and that is what would be awful.”
Roys urged me under the water to wash the shampoo away. “That’s not true, and we don’t need to think about anything so far in the future right now.”
He put conditioner on next, although leaned a lot of his weight against me. The trembling in his hands had lessened, but he hadn’t recovered his energy entirely, and once he washed the conditioner out, he shut the shower off.
I looked back at him when he kissed my neck and muttered against it, “But I’d like to talk about it one day, after we’ve tested out the waters of just us for a bit. Preferably without the sneaking.”
“We will get so much shit.”
“Without a doubt.”
“I might kill one of them.”
“We are surrounded by flesh-eating flora, so disposal would be easy.”
“Roys, I… I’m not exactly dating material. I haven’t ever, actually. No strings attached sex has always been my thing.”
