But before she could answer, he pointed to a bench just aheadof them. ‘Let’s sit for a while, then I can focus on what I need to say.’
‘Is this about the gallery?’ she asked.
He cleared his throat. ‘Yes and no,’ he replied ambiguously. ‘The thing is, I imagined that being in Oslo and being surrounded by my old life I wouldn’t think about the life I’d left behind here, but I was wrong. I thought about it even more.’
‘You missed Cambridge?’ she said.
‘Yes,’ he said. He turned to look at her. ‘But I especially missed you, Nina. I missed seeing you every day. I missed how it used to be between us in the gallery.’
She swallowed anxiously. The thought that he’d come here to discuss Norwegian art with her now seemed preposterous. ‘Go on,’ she murmured.
‘Meeting you has changed everything for me and in ways I never imagined,’ he said. ‘So I’m here because I want to know if there’s a chance we could make it work between us. And not as work colleagues, not as friends, but as lovers. Do you think there is?’
The use of the word ‘lovers’ made the colour rise to Nina’s face and she felt as gauche as a teenager.
‘I know you’re concerned about the age difference,’ Jakob went on, ‘but who really cares about that? I don’t. And you shouldn’t either. That day at the wedding, you didn’t care, did you? What happened then was real. Unless—’ he broke off as a couple with a prancing red setter straining at the leash passed them.
‘Unless what?’ Nina said when they were alone again and he stared at her, the intensity of his cornflower-blue eyes creating a fluttering sensation in her stomach. She wanted to look away, but she couldn’t.
‘Unless you were only using me to get at your mother-in-law. I know that was the plan in the beginning, to prove something to her, but I always believed that what happened between us wasgenuine. When we were dancing and we kissed that was real, wasn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ she said quietly, ‘it was very real.’
‘What do you think would have happened if your mother-in-law hadn’t behaved the way she had? Would we, when we were alone later, have let our feelings take their natural course?’
Remembering how Venetia had asked her the very same thing and how she had encouraged Nina not to overthink her emotions, or fear them, she forced herself to be as honest with Jakob as he had been with her.
‘I think there’s a very strong possibility that we would have done a lot more than kiss,’ she said, ‘but I would have probably regretted it afterwards.’
‘Yes,’ he said solemnly, ‘I believe you would have, and that is why I resigned and went back to Oslo. I didn’t want you to feel as though you had done anything wrong, or were at risk of doing anything wrong.’
‘That was very understanding of you.’
‘It was selfish too; an act of self-preservation.’
Nina sighed. ‘That’s how every day feels to me, an act of self-preservation as I guard against my emotions getting any more battered than they already are. I know I’m over the worst of my grief, but it occasionally still has the power to stop me in my tracks.’
‘How does it … ’ Jakob hesitated as if searching through his extensive English vocabulary for the right word, ‘… how does it manifest itself?’
‘Mostly as guilt. I know Hugh is dead and I’m alive and that means I must get on with my life. I know all that, but grief isn’t linear, it goes round and round in never-ending circles with me caught at the centre of it.’
‘I apologise for stating the obvious, but you need to break out of that cycle.’
‘I know I do,’ she said. ‘As you say, it is obvious and I think, or rather I hope, I’ve now taken a positive step to break the cycle.’ She was thinking about the clinic and how she’d brought matters to a close there. But she didn’t want to talk about that now.
A group of students in their running gear withSt Catharine’s Collegeemblazoned across their sweatshirts pounded by and when they had disappeared into the distance around a bend in the river, she said, ‘I’m sorry you felt you had to leave. I shouldn’t have accepted your resignation. It was a mistake, and I was a coward not to try and talk you out of going.’
‘You were under enough pressure already without me adding to your problems. But I wish now that I had stayed and talked to you properly.’
‘So do I. I’ve missed you,’ she said, forcing herself to be honest again, but then tempering the admission by adding, ‘The clients have too.’
‘I could come back if you think the clients would like it,’ he suggested with smile. ‘Or have you found a replacement?’
‘Not a permanent replacement, but the job is yours if you’d like it. What about the family business in Oslo, don’t you have commitments there? Won’t your parents be disappointed if you return here for a job for which they know you’re overqualified?’
‘They know why I’m here. I told them all about you and they agreed that I should return to Cambridge to try and convince you that we could make things work. They said if I didn’t come, I’d always regret it.’
‘But do they know that I’m so much older than you?’
