5
TERA
Iknew I’d have to talk to him before he left. I just haven’t had enough time to steady myself.
“Tera. Open your eyes. I know you’re awake,” Xander coaxes softly.
So I do, and I look anywhere but at him.
“I need to pee,” I announce, then push him out of my way as I stalk to the bathroom.
That didn’t take long enough. I wash and dry my hands, take a steadying breath, and walk back out there.
“Tera…” he begins.
I cock my head to the side. What’s he going to say that’s different from what he’s already said?
“I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I’ll be honest with you. I’ve become so accustomed to chicks hanging on me, I don’t even realize they’re doing it anymore. I just let them get their five minutes of rockstar time while I hang with the guys,” he confesses.
I pull my sweatshirt over my head. I’m beginning to smell. Eww.
“I know all of that, Xander. I just never thought I’d have to see it. Ever.”
“I wish I could go back and undo it, T, but I can’t. I’m sorry you’re hurt. I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry I let my guard down. I’m—”
“Sorry you were caught. On film. For the entire world to see.”
He nods.
“This is what I was afraid of, Xander. Iknewthat if—when—the time came that you were caught in photos, it would explode. And it did. It did because you’ve never been photographed like that before. No one’s seen you like that, so it’s being made into a bigger deal than what it is. Even I know that,” I admit.
He nods again.
“But… You’re my husband. They’re my brothers. You all made me a promise to keepyouout of those photos, those tabloids, off TMZ. I know the groupies are part of the gig,” I nod, “but you know I never wanted to see it. It’s why we have the deal. It’s why the guys agreed to help keep you out of the spotlight.”
“I know, Tera.”
“But you’re in it now. Jesus, Xan. Can you imagine if we’d have had that sit down withRolling Stonealready? Can you imagine how that would make me look? How it would make mefeel?I’d be a laughing stock.Thisis why we both agreed to keep our relationship to ourselves—to keep it private. It’s the only thing we’ve got left.”
“I’m sorry. I won’t ask you to do anything you’re not ready for. I just miss you so fucking much and I’m proud of you. I’m proud you’re my wife, which is why I was excited to do the interview. I see now how exposing our private life could hurt you.” He groans and tugs on his hair, much the same way his father does when he's frustrated.
“I want this life for you, Xander. I want you to live your dreams. None of that has changed.”
“But…” he prods.
“But,” I turn around and face him. “But, I can’t be a part of it. You need to live your life and I’ll live mine.”
“What?” he whispers.
“You’re living yourdream!Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.Live it,” I encourage.
“I wantyou, Tera. You’re a part of it all, you’re a part of me.”
Tears begin to fall and I close my eyes, only to see images of him and the band, the girls draped over them, the alcohol, the fun, while I was here losing our baby. My heart is shattered. My womb possibly too damaged to give him children. He deserves better.
I want to tell him. Ishouldtell him. But I don’t. I won’t. He doesn’t need to go through more anguish. The level of guilt he has now is too much. I can’t imagine how much worse he’d feel if he knew… well, if he knew.
“Xan,” I say softly. “I will always be a part of you and you will always be a part of me, but I think we need to take a break.”
