"I love you, Xander Mackenzie. Make me prouder than I already am."
"I promise," he whispers against my lips. One last lingering kiss and he walks out. I know that cost him, to not look back, but if he had, he wouldn't have gone, and I love him too much to let him stay.
* * *
Three monthslater and I'm still not me. This is unfair to Xander on so many levels, so I'm going to do something that will haunt me. I'm doing this for him.
"Xander," I say.
"Yeah, baby," he replies. Phone calls have become our life.
"I need you to do something for me."
"Anything."
I close my eyes. "I don't know how long it's going to take for me to be well again."
"What? I thought you were doing better?" he asks.
"I am, I am. That's not what I mean." I take a steadying breath. "I mean as far as intimacy goes."
"Baby, I'm not worried about that."
"I am."
He pauses. "What? Why?"
"This isn't fair to you. I know what it's like out there on the road, the women, the opportunities. Before…" I swallow down a sob. "Before, when I was able to make love to you, this was okay. But I can't give you that right now and I don't know when I'll be able to."
"What's going on, Tera?" He sounds so confused, almost hurt and I don't blame him. I'm feeling the same.
"I'm going to make a deal with you. While you're there and I'm here and we're unable to change any of that, I want you to know that it's okay if you fuck other women."
"What did you just say?" he bites out. "I don't want to fuck other women."
"Please. Hear me out."
Silence. He's upset, angry. I'm breaking my own heart.
"If you want to fuck someone, I have two rules. Always use a condom and never let it get personal. If ever it gets personal with someone, I'd like to know and we can discuss it, figure out where to go from there," I tell him sadly.
"Let me see if I get this right. You're giving me permission to fuck chicks if I use a condom and it's just a hook up." Oh, that tone. Yes, he's definitely angry.
I'm so sorry, Xander. I need to give you this. I'm too broken to give you me.
"Yes, that's right."
Silence. I wait.
"When you get better are you going to fuck other guys?" he bites out.
"That's not in my plans, no."
"But it's not out of the question."
"I don't know what the future has in store, Xan."
"Jesus Christ, Tera. You want an open marriage?"
