He could do this. He didn’t need anyone else to tell him whattodo.
Gabriel stood on the chair and brought down the box, then put the collarinside.
“After your shower, we’ll get going.” Adrian tugged the zipper the rest of the way, then sat so his back rested against the wall. He looked from the kitchen at Gabriel. “I left fresh clothes on top of the toilet tank. We’ll toss your old ones in the trunk of my car and leave them there so we don’t bother Sterling. I don’t have any more space in the duffel bag. Maybe tomorrow, while I’m at work, you could do some laundry. Sterling’s composed enough about heat-laced scents that it’s not going to be much of an issue, but I’d rather have it done and out of the way than looming over ourheads.”
“Okay.” Gabriel bit the inside of his lip. “Will Sir be at thepenthouse?”
“No.” Adrian glanced downward. “Cedric’s not going to be around anymore, Gabriel. We went over this. It’s not healthy for you to be with him. You need to heal—not fallinlove.”
Fallinlove.
Gabriel’s heart fluttered, but at the same time, his stomach churned. The axis his world balanced on shifted, and the urgency of his situation made itself known. In a handful of minutes, he’d leave Sir’s home and never return. He’d never see Sir again. A part of him had known it all along, but that part had been hushed by willful disbelief. Now, there was no time left to play dumb. If he didn’t do something, he would never see Siragain.
“I’ll go shower,” Gabriel murmured. He dodged the subject, bowing his head as he took a few steps toward the living room door. When times had gotten tough in the past, and when he hadn’t known what to do, he’d bolted. But now, even as his hamstrings readied themselves to sprint and his heart picked up the pace, his brain worked to piece together a new wayforward.
Hecoulddo this. If he let himself breathe and told himself that there was a way forward, he could find it. Years under Garrison’s command didn’t mean that he was useless. Sir had taught him better. All he had to do wasbelieve.
When Adrian didn’t object, Gabriel continued on his way. As he went, he grabbed the notepad and pen Sir kept on the table by the couch, then closed himself in the bathroom and locked the door. A twist of the knobs sent water gushing from the showerhead, creating the white noise he needed not only to think, but to mask his activities. Secure in the knowledge that Adrian wouldn’t suspect a thing, Gabriel sat on the toilet seat, clicked the pen open, and began towrite.
34
Cedric
Oli slammedhis beer bottle down on the table a little too hard and ran his arm across his mouth. The television was off, but the stereo system was on, and Oli’s phone streamed music directly to the speakers. It was at a low enough volume that it didn’t interrupt their conversation, but the background noise was appreciated—the quiet wrecked Cedric more than he cared toadmit.
“And you know what I told him?” Oli asked with a snort. He shook his head. “I told him that if he wanted to knot my throat, he was better off swiping left, because oh hell, no. There’s no way I’m letting someone clog my trachea. Some people may be into that whole breath control thing, but I prefer not to die by choking on alpha dick,thanks.”
Oli stretched out his legs, arched his back, and lifted his arms skyward as he yawned. Cedric watched him from where he sat, unable to carry theconversation.
“Not even a chuckle?” Oli frowned. “I expected maybe a face, at least. Or a snort. Or some kind of quirky Cedric comment to tell me to broaden my sexual horizons and get with the times. But nothing? I thought we worked through the worst of it last night. You know it’s not your fault, right? Please tell me you’re not sliding back down that slippery slope of guilt, because I spent all my energy pushing you back up it thispastweek.”
Cedric breathed out steadily through his nostrils until his lungs were empty. He looked Oli over, from the undone dress shirt he wore to the black socks with a single hole on the bottom of his right toe. For the last week, Oli had been alternating between trying to find a job and helping Cedric feel better, and Cedric knew he owed it to his best friend to smile, but he felt like there was very little to be happyabout.
Once more, what he wanted had been taken from him. He’d failed to keep another lover safe. There was no worse feelingthanthat.
“Shit,” Oli mumbled. He repositioned himself on the couch, curling his legs beneath him while leaning heavily against the arm. “Alright. Well, I guess this is what resistance training is all about, right? If I’ve got to do more heavy pushing, then I’ll work through the pain. Where are you at right now? Lay it on me. If we’ve got to work you back up from the very bottom, we’lldoit.”
“Do you ever feel like life is pointless?” Cedric looked away from Oli to stare at the wall. The rental Oli occupied had strict rules about driving nails through any surfaces, so Oli had decorated with photos cut out from art books and stuck the prints to the wall with mountingputty.
Oli snickered. “I think the better question is, whenhaven’tI?”
Cedric shot him a withering look, and Oli raised his handsdefensively.
“All right, all right, so I’ll cut back on the gloom.” Oli settled back onto the couch and looked Cedric over. “Yeah, I feel down from time to time. I guess that’s how you’refeelingnow?”
“I feel like…” The tangled mess of emotion in Cedric’s chest was hard to put into words. For a second, he struggled to pinpoint exactly what it was he wanted to say, fearful that if he dwelled on it too long, he might become ensnared. “I feel like maybe I’m cursed, and that I’m not meant to be in a relationship. I know that’s a bleak outlook, and that it’s not healthy, but this is the first time I’ve opened up to anyone since Brittanypassed,and…”
“Oh, Cedric.” Oli got up from the couch and sat on the arm of Cedric’s armchair. “You ridiculously sad creature. You’re going to put puppies out of business, you know that? If your whole BDSM career thing doesn’t work out, you should take up making memes of yourself. #SadCedric might be the next bigthing.”
Cedric rolled his eyes. “Nothelping.”
“Well, what do you want me to do? Be sad with you?” Oli offered a sympathetic smile. “The way I see it, one of us needs to stay upbeat, right? If we were two sad sacks wilting across the couch bemoaning the obstacles in our lives, our negative energy would accumulate until it reached critical mass and we’d both probably explode from terminalsadness.”
No matter how much Oli joked, there was always a hint of truth in what he said. Cedric knew it, and as much as he despised it, he couldn’t let the kernel of truth from Oli’s statement go. “I’m being dramaticaboutthis.”
“Of course you are.” Oli punched his shoulder. “But you have every right to be, you know? You’ve been through shit. You deserve to mourn… but I don’t know if I understand why you’re mourning now. That omega must have really done a job on you if you’re this hung uponhim.”
Being hung up didn’t begin to describe how Cedric felt. It wasn’t so simple. The matter was far from clear-cut, and the more Cedric thought about it, the more complex it became. Oli could boil it down all he wanted, but he’d never catch the essence of what Cedric had beenthrough.
