“Wait,” I groan, gently pulling his hands away.
“Shit, is that not okay?” he asks, immediatelystepping back and sounding horrified. “I thought that after last night…” He trails off, so I step in.
“Exactly. We need to talk about last night before we do anything else.”
He looks a little worried, but agrees. “Okay.”
“It isn’t a bad thing,” I assure him. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. I made us both food. We can eat and talk if that works for you?”
“Sure.”
Hudson sets the table and gets us both water while I finish preparing dinner. It isn’t long before we’re seated across from each other, Hudson staring at me expectantly, completely ignoring his food.
It seems like he’s waiting for me, so I go for it. “So, I was going to start by asking if you wanted to have anything happen between us again, but based on that greeting, I’m guessing you were thinking it wasn’t a onetime thing?”
He looks a little embarrassed. “Can I be totally honest?”
I snort a laugh. “I really hope so. That’s kind of the point of this conversation.”
That gets him to smile, and he rolls his eyes. “Okay. If we’re being completely honest, I was kind of hoping that last night meant we were together now.”
My jaw drops open; I can’t help it. I know Hudson has been a bit codependent since he moved in, and he was going through so much, so I was happy to go along with it. But still, I wasn’t expecting him to think one hookup somehow meant we were, what? Boyfriends?
“Like together, together? Like you want to date me?” I check, not sure if I understood that correctly.
“Yes, I want to date you. But I wasn’t expecting you to look so horrified by that idea. Can you please keep talking?” he anxiously asks.
“Oh, shit, sorry. Not horrified,” I rush to assure him. “I’m just surprised. I mean, last night was the first time you ever did anything with a man, right?” He nods. All the reasons I’ve been focused on today about why Hudson and I shouldn’t be together as I was trying to prepare myself for his rejection flash through my mind once more, and maybe I was a little too focused on them, because I can’t seem to move past it. I’ve fantasized about this man for so long. I should be thrilled right now, jumping at the opportunity to really be with him… But when things seem to be too good to be true, in my experience, they are.
“I guess with everything else going on, I had just assumed this conversation would be about setting up boundaries for some sort of friends-with-benefits situation where you could have your first experiences with a man, not a relationship…” I trail off, unsure of what I really want anymore.
“Everything else going on?” he repeats as a question.
“Well, you’re still in the NHL. A public relationship with a man would be a huge deal for your career,” I remind him. “And even if you ignore that, you’re fresh off a divorce, and you haven’t even had a chance to live on your own yet.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, thinking through our time together, all the lines that were blurred when I thought he was straight. “I joked around with you about treating me like I was Shelby’s replacement, but there was some truth in that. From the very beginning, we’ve basically acted like a couple, minus the physical benefits, at least when we were alone together. It was one thing when I thought you were straight, but now you’re saying you want us to be together, I don’t know…”
He shakes his head. “What does Shelby have to do with us? I’m saying that I want to be withyou, Adrian.”
I groan. “Fuck. Hudson, you have no idea how manytimes I’ve thought about being with you. Believe me, I am furious with myself right now for not jumping at the opportunity, but?—”
“So don’t say ‘but.’ Jump at the opportunity,” he suggests with his pleading charismatic smile that I can never say no to.
But I need to stay strong. I smile back at him, really hoping I’m not about to fuck everything up. “Fuck. I so want to. But I can’t move past what I said the other day, about how I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me, period. Not because it’s convenient or because I’m the first man they’re with. If I’m being perfectly honest, I think we’d be setting ourselves up for failure if we started dating right now. I think a part of me would always be wondering if you actually wanted to be with me or if I was just the convenient option because we’re roommates.”
Hudson hangs his head back against the chair groaning. “Yeah, I was worried you might think that,” he admits. “That’s why I’d been trying to wait until after I moved out to ask you out.”
“You’ve been planning to ask me out?” I repeat. This conversation is giving me emotional whiplash.
“Yeah, does that change anything?” he asks hopefully, staring at me with those damn puppy-dog eyes.
Does it?I wish it did. But fuck, it still doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been basically acting as a pseudo-partner for months. I still have no idea if Hudson would want to date me once we’re no longer living together. If he had time alone to consider if I was really who he wanted to date or if our proximity was why he thought that.
I shake my head. “I don’t think so.”
We both sit there in silence for a moment. I have no idea where to go from here.
