Then Hudson sits up straighter in his chair. “But you were willing to talk about boundaries for a hook up situation? Would you still be willing to do that?” he asks, still sounding so hopeful.
I take a second to consider it. “I don’t want to stop if there’s an option where we get to keep having sex. That hasn’t changed,” I admit. “I like the idea of being your first for everything, I just don’t want you to feel like that means we need to be together.”
A smile lights up his face now. “Okay. So let’s do that. We don’t need to label anything right now. I think you’re saying that you’d be willing to date me if I could prove to you that you’re my number one choice, right? Not the convenient one?” he checks.
I nod, continuing with full transparency. “Yeah. I really like you, Hudson, that isn’t the problem. I just don’t think it would be fair to either of us to start a relationship with me already insecure about it.”
He nods, his smile softer now. “Thank you for being so honest.” I’m glad he’s being so understanding, that I haven’t completely offended him.
“So, what if we keep hooking up while I’m here,” he continues, sounding more excited, “I want you to be all my firsts, too. That’s not why I want to date you, but I understand your concern. Then when I move out in a couple of weeks, we agree to stop hooking up, and when we’re no longer together during all my free time out of convenience, I can start to work on convincing you that you’re still my number one choice.”
I can’t hold back my smile as what he’s suggesting sinks in. He isn’t giving up on the idea of us being together, even when I tried to dismiss it. Even if that’s because of our current situation, I think it’s a good sign that he’s already planning for the long term and not just what makes sense right now. I know if we continue to hook up, I’ll probably fall even harder for him, be even more screwed if he does decide we’re better off as friends when he has his own space… But I’m probably already far too gone for him now, anyway, for it to really make a difference.
If we go along with that plan, we can reassess when those excuses to be together no longer exist, and with them gone… I do think we’d be starting in a much healthier place, or at least I would be more confident about us.
Plus, we’d get to keep hooking up. And I’m not strong enough to say no to that.
Is it the most mature plan in the world? Absolutely not.
But can I twist it enough to justify it? Would I feel better about it than I would if he called me his boyfriend right now, and I spent the next few weeks terrified that it would end the moment he moved out?
I think so.
“I also think that this plan could be good with the baby coming so soon. I don’t know how that would affect us if we were in a real relationship. I know asking you to date me is more complicated with me becoming a parent, and I would hate for either of us to feel like we weren’t committed if we were together.”
I nod again. “You know I want to be a parent. I’m not against dating someone with kids, and I think you know that I already love this baby from a fun uncle standpoint. But I agree, I think because I already love this baby, it’ll be even more important that we don’t rush into anything. Right now, I am very clearly not that child’s parent, but if we started dating, that might blur the lines even more, and I think we would both need to know that we are all in before we did that.”
“That sounds mature,” he says lightly.
“Yes. I think we can at least pretend we’re being responsible,” I agree in a similar teasing tone.
“Soooo, does that mean we get to keep having sex?”
I smile conspiratorially at him. “Fuck it. Let’s do it.”
35
HUDSON
“Okay, I think your ass probably needs a break after last night, but if we’re checking off your other first times, how do you feel about blow jobs? You seemed pretty willing last night, but no pressure if you want to try something else?”
“I want to do everything with you,” I admit. “But you mentioned talking about boundaries. Do we need to do that?”
“Right, yes! We should. Sorry, I got distracted by the thought of touching your dick again.” He laughs. “Okay. I already told you I don’t bottom. Is there anything you don’t want to do? Obviously, if something comes up you can just say no, but right off the bat, is there anything?”
I’ve got nothing.
“I want to take this seriously, I really do,” I tell him. “But I’m also really distracted by the thought of touching you again, so I can’t think of anything.”
He smiles, dimples distracting me even further. “Okay, maybe we hook up and then finish the conversation?”
I nod quickly. “Yes, that option.” I stand from the table, the dinner he so kindly made for me completely ignored. “Does that mean I can kiss you now?” I check.
He laughs, also standing. “Umm, maybe only kissing during a hookup? That way it isn’t too much like a relationship?”
Ugh. I don’t like the idea of filtering when I’ll get to kiss him, but it’s not like I’ll be able to kiss him in public anyway, so if we’re only kissing in private anyway, I can probably still do it whenever I want and just turn that into a hookup. Sounds like a win-win situation to me. “Deal,” I agree.
“Okay, let’s go back to my room.”
