“Sure.”
Ollie might not believe me, but I think it’ll be the perfect place to raise kids. There are multiple playgrounds that are walkable, green spaces, a library, and there are a lot of families that live on his block. The restaurant we love to order from has a huge kids’ menu, and I always see families eating in the dine-in area.
“Does Adrian want kids?” he asks.
I try to think if he’s ever mentioned wanting them. “I’m not sure.”
“Interesting.”
“Why is that interesting?”
“I just thought that would come up if you guys were having a heart-to-heart about your future and how much you want to be a dad.” He shrugs before he continues. “The first thing I said when you talked about adopting was that I can’t imagine having kids. Adrian isn’t exactly shy. It’s interesting that he wouldn’t have said if he wants any.”
I disagree about it being out of character. Despite his very outgoing and friendly attitude, Adrian doesn’t freely offer personal details about himself like that. Still, it does worry me a bit about how I’ve been approaching trying to get him to open up to me. Maybe I do need to be more direct.
“Are you saying I’m a shitty friend because Adrian is always so supportive of me, and I should ask him more about himself?”
Ollie laughs, then he leans in, speaking quietly enough that no one else will hear us over the loud sound of the plane. “No, I don’t think you’re a shitty friend. But I’ve seen the way you look at him, Hudson. I know you think I’m teasing you about him, and I mostly am. But my questions a few weeks ago about there being more between you two weren’t just because he’s gay. You always light up when you talk about him, you just said he’sthe perfect roommate, and you don’t want to move away from him. I’m just wondering if there’s a chance you might be overlooking how you feel about him because you’ve never been with a man before.”
I shake my head, but I’m not sure how to respond. That night when we were cuddling on the couch immediately comes to mind, and how I thought about kissing him. But that was a onetime thing. And it’s not like I actually kissed him. It was a passing thought. I’m surprised I even still remember having it.
“I’m just wondering if he’s being careful not to make any comments that might sound like he’s suggesting you want the same things in life,” Ollie continues quietly. “As the openly gay man living with his assumingly straight friend, he’s probably afraid to say or do anything that could sound like he’s suggesting there could be more between you. If you ever did want that,youshould be the one to say something. Don’t hope that he’ll make the first move. He won’t.”
He sits back up all the way in his seat, returning to his normal volume. “And that’s all I’ll say on the subject, too. Unless you ever want to talk, then I’m more than happy to.”
My first instinct is to dismiss his suggestion. Laugh it off as the teasing I’ve been treating it as. But he sounded more serious than I think I’ve ever heard him be outside of hockey. Still, there’s no way this guy, who’s barely even allowed in a bar, would know more about my feelings than I do.
I don’t want there to be more between Adrian and me.
Right?
I try to move on by pulling out my phone, but I’m blankly staring at whatever app muscle memory opened. I’m stuck on what Ollie said. How do I look at Adrian? I’m sure I look happy, the same way I do with all my friends. He’s a great guy, of course I’m happy to see him. But that doesn’t mean I want to date him.
Right?
Why am I not confident in my answers to these questions? Does the fact that I’m questioning it at all mean something?
“Hey, thanks? I think,” I belatedly respond to Ollie, painfully aware of how awkward I’m being. “I definitely wasn’t expecting the conversation to go there. But I appreciate you wanting to support me. Adrian really is just my friend, though.”
Why does that sound like a lie?
“If you say so,” he agrees, smirking.
Ollie pulls out his phone too, opening up the same gaming app he usually does on flights, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
Adrian is one of my favorite people, and there’s no denying that. I’m always happier in his presence. He’s got one of those infectious personalities where it’s impossible to do anything but smile when you’re near him because he makes everything more fun. Even if something bad happens, his over-the-top reaction usually gets a smile out of me, and then before there’s even time to worry about whatever the problem is, he has a plan and is working to fix it.
I feel calmer when I’m with him. I know if he’s around, I have nothing to worry about. We do like a lot of the same things too. And hanging out with him is so easy. Even if we’re not doing anything exciting, I enjoy spending time together, being in his company.
Who wouldn’t? He’s confident, funny, smart, and so supportive.
Fuck.
That sounds like a pretty ideal partner. I already know I love living with him.
Do I like Adrian?
Is Ollie right? Have I been overlooking how I feel about him because he’s a man? I’ve never been with a guy. I’ve never wanted to. Other than when I thought about kissingAdrian. But… if I wanted to kiss him, that probably did mean more than I was ready to examine in the moment.
