Am I ready now?
I think about what might have happened if I’d given into that thought, if I’d leaned in and brought my mouth to his. Would he have kissed me back? Would he have been surprised, maybe shy about it? If he did want to kiss me, would it have been a short, sweet moment?
No. I snort a laugh picturing Adrian being timid in any situation. He’d probably take control and show me exactly what he likes. It’s easy to picture him shifting positions so he was straddling me on his couch, one hand holding my jaw so he could angle me how he wanted, the other in my hair… And I’m not hating this imagined scenario.
I’m actually enjoying it a little too much for the public plane I’m currently on. Shit, I need to stop thinking about him like that. I shift in my seat, readjusting my suddenly hard cock, pretending to be repositioning how I’m sitting so I can sleep. I know I won’t be able to now that I’m having all these new realizations about Adrian, though. Well about myself, really.
I’m not sure what these new thoughts mean.
I’m not upset at all about potentially being attracted to a man. I’ve always tried to support the LGBTQIA+ community in any way that I can. Was there more to that than wanting to be a good ally?
I don’t want to get ahead of myself though. If I actually do have more than friendship feelings about Adrian, I need to decide what to do with that information, if I even want to do anything at all. I don’t want to risk losing our friendship if I decide to make a move and he doesn’t feel the same way.
Or maybe I’m just lonely, and I would confuse a friendship with anyone as more because I’m sodesperate for that connection right now.
I think I need to be patient, which isn’t exactly a strong suit for me, but I think I need to try. I can see how things go when we’re back in the same city, see if I really do like him as more than a friend after I’ve had some time to acknowledge it as a possibility to myself. Then if I do, I can pay more attention to how he acts around me and make a more educated guess on if he would even be interested.
Maybe I can casually ask if he wants kids.
14
ADRIAN
“Ithink I might actually want them to stay this time,” Hudson comments from his spot on the other corner of the couch.
I’m trying to get some work done while we watch one of our favorite shows where the couple has the option to renovate their home or move. We both usually vote they should move because you can’t magically create more square footage no matter how creative you get with built-ins. “Yeah, I like their backyard,” I agree, even though I’ve been pretty distracted during this episode.
Beck has been in Montana all week, again, so I’m trying to send him a summary of what he’s missed and a reminder for the short list of things I need him to sign off on or do himself in the next couple of days.
“Holy shit, look at this listing my agent just sent!” Hudson texts me the link, and my laptop and phone both ding with his message. I’m about done with the email I was working on, so I skim it again to make sure I didn’t forget anything and send it before I follow the link.
Wait. I know this house. It isn’t far from here, and I admire it every time I walk past. It’s wildly out of my price range, but it’sone of those picturesque dream homes that I can’t help but imagine myself in whenever I see it. It’s a gorgeous multi-level standalone with four bedrooms, five bathrooms, and it even has a fenced-in yard. I’ve never seen the inside before now, and it needs some updating to get the house to its full potential, but the bones are really good.
“I love this house, and the price seems way better than I would have expected for the space too. Well, for your budget at least—I could never. But with some quick upgrades, it would be a total dream home.”
“And it’s just down the block. We’d still be neighbors,” he points out, sounding excited.
I’m trying desperately to not get my hopes up about that though. Even if we are that close, a few houses away is different than being in the next room. Our friendship right now is one of proximity; I’m sure things will change when we’re no longer living together and my presence in his life is no longer required.
“Are you going to schedule a tour?” I ask, and wow, I sound so casual. Not at all like I’m desperate for him to get this house that’s so close. Good for me.
“Yeah, this is for sure the best one he’s sent me. When are you free?”
I blink a few times before I turn to give him my full attention. “You want me to come for the tour?” That seems like another possible overstepping moment. Something I would do with a partner.
“Obviously. I need your expertise. As much as I would like to claim I’ve learned a lot from watching all these shows with you, I know you’ll be so much better at picturing what things could look like than I would.”
Okay, when he explains it like that, it makes sense for me to come. It doesn’t sound romantic; he just trusts my design opinion. “Well, if you reallywant me to, I’ll make sure I’m free.” And I’m only agreeing because I want to help my friend. I will remain impartial when we tour this house. The fact that he could be my neighbor if he did end up getting it isn’t going to be a priority to him the same way it would be for me. I need to respect that and allow him to make his own decision.
“The loft could be a reallycool playroom. Depending on the ages of the kids, it’s big enough to even install a rockwall or a ninja course, something for more active play if they’re a little older,” I suggest as we finish exploring the upper levels and head back downstairs. Hudson’s real estate agent managed to get us in to see the house the next day, fitting it into his busy schedule between his morning practice and his home game tonight. We’re almost done with the tour, and I love the house even more in person, but I’ve been trying not to sway his decision, only providing suggestions like he asked for.
And yes, I have been looking into specific design options for children, as any decent friend would in this situation. So what if I’ve spent hours researching different parenting methods and now know all about the different schools in the area? That’s just useful knowledge. It has nothing to do with my crush on Hudson.
I definitely haven’t been picturing what it would be like to live here, in my dream home, with him, helping to raise his children.
But I am picturing that exact life with some other, faceless man that vaguely looks like him who I haven’t met yet. A man who’s obsessed with me, because even though I can’t help feeling the way I do about Hudson, I know he’ll never think about me that way, and I try to remind myself that’s what I deserve.
“So, have you thought about whether you’ll want to try to adopt an infant or an older kid?”
