“I don’t either,” I admitted. “But a big part of me thinks I need to be on my own. You don’t deserve what I did.”
He sighed, his expression softening. “We both stepped out of the lines, and I thought it justified things. It didn’t, but I want to be able to forgive you.”
I looked at him, my breath catching as tears filled my eyes. “Do you think you would be able to forgive me?” Jason continued with a whisper of hope and fear in his words.
“Even though things went farther for you, I still think we’re both at fault. Natalie, I can’t picture my life without you.”
His words found a part of me that I had been trying to numb. We both cried. The truth had settled between us like a storm cloud we couldn’t outrun.
Then he leaned down and kissed me, desperate, aching and familiar. I kissed him back, letting the years and memories blur around us. Even in the warmth of his mouth, I knew in my heart… I couldn’t keep pretending. I pulled back gently, my forehead resting against his.
“I think we need some time apart,” I said softly. “Real time. We need to figure things out.”
“I was afraid you were going to say that,” Jason whispered, pulling me close.
We stayed like that for a while, just holding each other. The silence between us was loud with everything we couldn’t say.
When we returned home, Jason asked if he could take the kids to dinner and bring them to school the next morning. He mentioned he still had the hotel room for a few more nights.
“Of course,” I said, nodding. “But I think we should tell them together. Let them finish the school year first. They only have a few more days.”
We told the kids about the fun surprise their dad had planned, framing it as an adventure. They were thrilled. Their excitement was a temporary balm for my aching heart.
As soon as they were out of earshot, I broke down. Meredith was there, as always, with wine, weed, and snacks. Her way of comforting me was unconventional, but it worked.
The next morning, I woke to a quiet house. The silence was deafening. I went downstairs and sat on the couch, staring out the window as the sun climbed higher in the sky. Would this be my new reality? A world without Jason, without the weight of pretending everything was okay. But it was also terrifying. Yet, maybe, just maybe, it was also the beginning of something new.
CHAPTER 49
HOOKED, BUT LET GO
WILL
After the long weekend in Lake Arrowhead, I felt a strange sense of peace. I wasn’t over Natalie—not by any means—but being at the lake gave me something I hadn’t realized I needed, appreciation for what I do have. Surrounded by my kids, Evan, my sister, and even her boyfriend, I found moments of gratitude that dulled the ache of losing Natalie.
Fishing with my boys one morning was another highlight. Carter, with his boundless energy and sharp wit, kept ribbing Chase, who retaliated with his usual dry humor. It was the kind of sibling banter that made me smile because it was so pure, simple, and real. They reminded me how lucky I was to have kids who cared about each other, even when they pretended not to.
Ivy was a little ball of sunshine all weekend, leaving a sparkle wherever she went. Whether she was collecting wildflowers or skipping rocks by the lake, her smile was contagious.
Madison, on the other hand, was predictably glued to her phone, spending most of her time taking selfies and texting herfriends. I suspected she was texting a boyfriend, which bothered me. Still, we were miles away from her usual scene, so I let it slide. Despite my worries, she didn’t seem to hate me for the weekend, which I counted as a win. With Madison, the absence of outright disdain was as good as it got these days.
In the quieter moments, I couldn’t help but think about Natalie. I wondered how she was doing, if she had come clean with Jason, or if she was planning to bury it all and push forward. Deep down, I doubted she’d brush it under the rug. She didn’t seem like someone who could carry that kind of guilt. Thinking about her only brought more questions, questions I didn’t have answers to. I didn’t even know if I’d see her again. The school year was almost over, with just few days left. Kelly and I had agreed to both be there on the last day, a united front for the kids.
I hated the thought of running into Natalie. I hated even more that I secretly hoped I would.
And then, of course, there was the memory of her, the way she looked, the way she felt, the way she made me feel. I tried to shove it away, but my mind went back to the night on the counter, her bare skin against mine.
“Shit,” I muttered to myself, running a hand through my hair. “I need to get her out of my thoughts.” I shook my head, scolding myself. I needed to get a grip. This wasn’t helping.
When we returned home from the lake, the weight of reality settled back over me. As I unpacked the car with the boys, the house seemed to mock me. Everywhere I looked, there were reminders of Natalie.
Was I going to have to move to escape her ghost?
I forced myself to focus on the mundane. I placed an Instacart order for groceries, scheduled the kids’ hot lunches for school, and Door Dashed dinner. The house buzzed with quiet energy as everyone did their own thing after dinner, except Ivy,who wanted to watchThe Little Mermaidwith me. Her eyes lit up when I agreed, and we curled up on the couch together. She fell asleep about thirty minutes in with her head resting on my arm. I carried her to her room, kissed her sun-kissed face, and tucked her in, marveling at how peaceful she looked.
Afterward, I called to the boys, “Lights out in thirty!”
I heard their muffled, “Okay, Dad!” in response.
