I missed you more today than I think I ever have. Your kiss, your touch, your breath. When can I see you again?
Your Rose.
“Rose?” I asked. I gasped. “Rós.My mother’s–? You and my…?”
“Pick another,” he said. He stepped forward, plucking one himself, then presented it to me. “Here. Take it.”
“I-I cannot,” I said.
“Yes, you can, and when you’ve read them all, you can read herlast.It’s beneath my pillow.”
“Her last?”I asked. “Her…?”
“Aye. Her last. The letter she made sure got to me before she hung herself.” His voice caught. “Before she was gone.”
I didn’t move. I felt as though I had violated some otherworldly vow.
He waited. “Shall I share with you how I read these near every night? Would you like a soliloquy on my pain? I did dabble in poetry for her, once upon a time. In fact, some of my odes are in here, you’ll see.”
“I-I don’t understand,” I said. “You said my parents loved each other.”
He sighed. “Yes. I did. Willem left you because he loved you.”
“I don’t understand,” I repeated. “A-Areyoumy father?”
He shut his eyes for just a moment. “No.”
“But you… My mother?” I asked. “You were together?”
“Yes.”
“She loved you?” I asked.
“Love is complicated, Princess. But yes, and I loved her back. Just as you and your Willem love each other.Thatis why he cannot keep you while you marry another man. I feel his tormentand commend him for the strength it took to make the choice I could not.”
“There doesn’t have to be a choice,” I argued weakly. I clutched the message in my hand. “I promised him I would-”
“Yes. You promised him? Of course you did. To what?” he asked. “To loveonlyhim? To never let your king touch you?”
“How did you–?”
“Do you think I cared that your mother was married?” he asked. “We made love every night; I practicallylivedin her quarters.”
“Ew.”
He struggled with what he tried to say. “Her marriage isn’t what broke us.”
“What’s more damaging than a marriage?” I asked. “Especially you—” Then I knew. I heard myself ask the question and realized the answer in the same breath. “Wait. Was itme?”
He didn’t say.
“It was, wasn't it?” My lip quivered. “Cyrus said I would bear Sameer’s heirs… He…. She didn’t want me, did she? You didn’t.”
“You were wanted,” he said. “By both of us, and yes, by Nikolai. Although…God help me. I’m looking for a way to say it without harming your impression of her...”
“Just say it,” I told him. “Please. Just say it. I have no memory of her, Ser. Did shehateme?”
“No. Eliza did not hate you. She wanted so badly, for you to be mine and when you weren’t… I’m sorry.”
