“What?”
“Your mother promised me that you were. She promised me that there was no possibility you were the King’s because the King never touched her. I will spare you the details of how I discovered her lie, and I will say that your father was kind enough to clear up my misinformation.”
“W-Wait. Fatherknew?”I asked. “Heknewabout you?”
“Of course he knew about us, Svana. What have I told you? Two people cannot keep a secret unless one of them is dead, and if one of them is a monarch, then there are far too many eyes in every corner to ever be alone.”
“How are you not dead?” I asked.
He went on. “There are expectations in a marriage. I knew that. I chose to ignore them. And Eliza, God rest her soul, she simply believed that the Lord would save her from rearing the King a child. That, because, in her eyes, I was the better man, she would carry onmysoul, not his.”
“Did he punish you though?” I asked. “Did he punish her? Oh. Oh, no. Did hekillher?”
“No,” he said, horrified. “No, Nikolai loved Eliza. He didn’t kill her. He loved your mother very much.”
“He cheated on her all the time!” I argued.
“Yes, well. We all have our vices.”
“Vices!” I cried. “You defend him. How?”
Elías held his hands out to either side. “It’s hard to explain. At first, Nikolai and I hated one another. I had been assigned a detail he needed me for, and after Eliza gave birth, after the War was over, he planned to ship me off.”
“That’s awful. I’m so sorry,” I said.
“It’s only awful to you because you like me as a person,” he said. “Your instinct is to defend my good name, in honor of friendship. Don’t forget, I am the perpetrator here. I defiled their marriage.”
I shook my head. “He did. He defiled it every time he slept with another woman. I haveheardof his escapades! I’ve seen the women in her wake. He never stopped. He loved his whores.”
Elías sighed. “To answer your question, yes. He punished me, though not in the way he had wanted. He made me stay once she was gone. He made me haunt these halls of hers. Sometimes, I think it was deeper than that. I think Nikolai kept me here forhis own comfort, not vengeance. When Eliza was gone… I don’t think he wanted to be alone. I think he was scared to be.”
“My father feared nothing,” I said.
“That’s not true,” he replied. “He feared many things. He feared losing the War. He feared losing you. He feared he could not raise you without your mother. He feared solitude and he feared making friends. He said that I was the only person who could ever understand the pain of losing her, so he made me stay to bear it for him.”
“I, I don’t know what to say.”
“I burned your letters,” Elías said. “I burned the one that Willem gave to me for you. I wish I could tell you what it said, but I didn’t read it. It’s not an act that I am particularly proud of committing, but I love you and I loved your mother, and I promised her that I would protect you at all costs. Your letters could not coexist with that promise. They could not coexist with my oath or with the treaty your father made with Chalke. And selfishly, I cannot see what she did to herself happen again with you. I cannot let you hurt the way Eliza hurt. I could not allow you to inflictthis–”He gestured at him, then to the envelopes– “this wound upon your Willem. No. I could not allow him to carry this guilt or shame as I have carried it my whole life.”
“I-I’m sorry,”I whispered.
He paced once around the room.
“I’m sorry. Please,” I said. “Please, Eli, sit down.”
“I’msorry,” he said. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I tried– I try every daynotto love your mother, but I can’t. I can’t escape her no matter what I do, and in my penance for not stopping her from…” He stifled a noise. “Your Majesty, Imustserve you better. I cannot fail you the way I failed her. I cannot allow you to follow her path or to lead others to it. Do you understand? If you had not been in the equation already, I would have followed herinto the grave. Still, to this day, I consider it. I cannot let that boy feel this way. I cannot let him hurt.”
I flew to him, latching my arms around his body the moment I realized that he was crying.
“You didn’t fail me,” I muttered. “You’ve never failed me! I was just so mad! I’m sorry for what I said! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it!”
“You have every right to be angry,” he breathed. “I know you love him. I do. If I know, he knows, too.”
“I’m sorry, Elías,” I begged. “I’m so sorry I’m my father’s!”
“No.” His hands held my face for a better look. “No. I do not wish for that. I’m not angry that you are his. I never was. Nikolai became my friend eventually. He loved you, very much, even if he could not say it, even if you believed he didn’t. And, blood or not, I have always loved you as my own. You’re Eliza’s in ways you will never know and despite what happens, I will always feel this way for you. I love you. You are mine even if you’re not.”
“I loveyou,”I cried. “I love you so much; I’m so sorry I ever doubted your allegiance. I will never not trust you for as long as I should live, but from this moment on we must never lie to each other again! We must vow to not keep secrets! Promise me! Tell me it all! Tell me the bad, the good, the days when I am wrong and please, tell me when I am. When I make mistakes like this!”
