It’s not like we’re rushing to go anywhere, either.
I’m very aware of what I have to say. The words keep bouncing around in my head like ping pong balls, and it’s all I can do to keep them inside and overthink them.
Once I speak them into reality, I cannot take them back.
What if Océane thinks I don’t love her as much as I once did?
What if Will isn’t ready for the responsibility?
What if it all comes crashing down around me, and I lose everything?
I think of Karan, currently sitting at home alone, doing who knows what, and my stomach does a somersault. He’s the reason I’m here. That’s what I have to remember.
He chose me, and he’s suffering for it. Now I have to choose him, too.
I grip Océane’s hand and look to my left to see both of my siblings, who are already gazing back at me. Slight worry is etched on their faces.
Worry. For me. When it should be the other way around.
I never wanted them to have to take care of me.
“Océane,” I start, gathering all of my courage and channeling those bouncing words in my head to finally speak them into the world. “I think, if Will is okay with it, that you should move in with him and Rachel. For good.”
Both of them stay quiet. We keep walking; a police siren echoes in the background. I wait for one of them to say something—anything, really—but they only stare back at me with concern and a slight upturn of their lips.
They’re waiting for me to elaborate, maybe.
For me to give a good reason.
To prove I’m not failing them.
“I…” A pressure builds up behind my eyelids and gathers in my throat.
I grip Océane’s hand tighter, wishing we weren’t wearing mittens so that I could feel the warmth of her hand against mine for comfort.
Whose comfort, hers or mine, I’m not too sure.
“I don’t think I’m in a place where I can truly be there for you. Not like you need it.” I clench my jaw to hold back the tears. “Karan needs me more than I realized. So do my kids. Océane, you don’t know how much I wish I could have more to give, how much I wish I could be everything you need, but I don’t have it in me. I…”
I look away so she doesn’t see a lone tear fall.
“Right now, I’m not enough.”
Océane squeezes my hand. I look back up at my siblings, who are now sharing a knowing look.
“You think she’s done?” Will asks, raising a teasing eyebrow.
“I think so,” Océane answers, the same mischievous smile on her face.
Guilt and pain turn to confusion. I stop dead in my tracks, forcing them to stop along with me.
“What?”
“Come on,” Océane beckons me, pulling on my hand as she tries to coax me forward. “Let’s keep walking.”
“Do you guys think this is funny? Or that I’m joking? What is this?”
A hint of anger wants to rear its ugly head, but I want to give them the benefit of the doubt.
