For someone who loves water so much, isn’t that fitting?
For a brief moment, frozen in time, I picture my mom. I see Sophie and her girls. And I even see my dad. But the last face to join them is Logan’s.
I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I’m this stupid.
I got the gift of a second chance with him. Something I never thought I would get again. It was a chance to explore what I truly felt—what I’ve always felt, deep down, even though I never faced it head-on.
And if this is truly my last moment, this means I’ve squandered that chance. And for what? To ‘work on myself’? To take even longer than I’ve already taken to figure out why I can’t just be happy?
I deserve this.
The wave crashes against the side of the boat, and suddenly I’m flying back. There’s a thud against my back and a splash of freezing cold, and I realize we haven’t capsized; the wave merely hit us.
Logan is next to me at the bottom of the boat, coughing up a storm. The splash from the wave must have hit him in the face. At least he’s still got his glasses on his face.
“Logan!” I crawl to him and place a hand on his thigh, using it to pull myself onto my knees. He looks rattled but otherwise okay. I’m filled with relief, even though my body is shaking with the cold and the adrenaline.
When he finally manages to stop coughing, he looks straight at me. His eyes are big and wild. “It’s okay.”
“What if there’s a bigger one? What if?—”
His hand moves to cup the side of my face. “I’m here. This thing won’t capsize. Trust me.”
Time stops again. Suddenly there’s no storm, no ocean, no wind around us. There’s nothing but the two of us on this boat, and I’m not ruining this second chance.
Before I know it, I’ve leaned forward, and my lips are on his. There’s a moment of hesitation—a single split second—before Logan’s soft, warm mouth yields to mine. I gasp against him and part my lips for his tongue; I taste the salt of the ocean, but also something else that’s undeniablyLogan. Even though my body should be cold to the bone, I feel so hot that I think I’m going to dissolve in the rain.
With one hand still pressed against his thigh, I bring my other hand to wrap around his back and grab at his shoulder. His body moves with mine, and he wraps one arm around the small of my back to pull me closer. The contact burns at my skin, and I’m craving for more ofthis, more ofhim.
The hand that cupped my face slips into my hair as I lean into him. He lets out a low groan, which vibrates in my skull and lights me up like a thousand stars. The pressure of his chest against mine, of his hands pressing me closer, his mouth exploring mine … it’s all frantic, urgent as if I’m about to slip between his fingers. I’ve sparked something within him I didn’t know was there.
And I realize I’m not dissolving with the rain; rather, we’re dissolving together into one entity.
There’s a jolt from the side, which pulls me back to reality; another wave. I pull away from his mouth, even though my body is fighting to stay. “We need to get back,” I rasp.
His eyes are hazy, his gaze intense. “Right.” Like a robot that’s just been voice-activated, he pulls away from our embrace and takes a seat back at the controls.
The wind and the rain are still going crazy around us, but they’ve already calmed down a lot more than before. The waves surrounding the Zodiac are nothing like they were just a few minutes ago. It’s only a matter of time before this storm is over, but we can’t take any chances. So Logan starts navigating us back into the fray, somehow knowing the way in the grey darkness.
* * *
We make our way back in a strange silence. There’s a multi-faceted tension in the air, and I can’t tell what it is I’m feeling. On the one hand, I’m still reeling from staring down the wave I thought would be my undoing. And the storm, while calmer now, is still very present and looming around us. We’re not safe yet.
On the other hand …
The feel of Logan’s mouth on mine still lingers there. I don’t know if my heart is hammering away because I was just scared shitless or because our lips finally met. The touch of hands in my hair and on the small of my back still lingers like a phantom.
Logan is fully focused on steering the Zodiac and getting us safely back to shore, which leaves me alone in my own head. The worst place to be.
Even though the moment has passed, I still feel frozen within it, like it’s playing on repeat through my body and mind. And one thing is clearer than anything else—Logan kissed me back. There’s no doubt about it. I’m not alone. What I’ve been feeling over the past few weeks isn’t one-sided.
I don’t know how to feel about that.
I’d promised myself I would hold back on these feelings for Logan. I’d promised I would figure my shit out first and not drag him in it. This is why I’m here. Yes, I’m writing copy for a fancy retreat website, but deep down, that’s never what this was about. Because being completely uninspired for this website isn’t the problem—it’s a symptom.
A symptom of whatever disease has been crawling through my spirit like a parasite, leeching away my strength. My energy. My creativity. My courage.
It’s no wonder Jasper left. Him leaving was never the reason I struggled to write this website in the first place. It was just a consequence—another symptom.
