The night of our breakup, Jasper had said, “You know what? I’m done,” his words dropping like a bomb as he crashed on the couch. He hadn’t looked angry, or hurt, or sad. He’d just looked … tired. Exhausted. “We’re over.”
“Wait,” I’d cried out, standing in front of the couch like an idiot. The tears had burned the back of my throat like acid. “What do you mean we’re over?”
He’d looked back at me, eyes full of … pity. It had made me sick. It had made me realize he was serious. “I mean, I can’t do this anymore.”
“What are you talking about?” Part of me had wanted to get close to him, cup his face, and try to kiss it all away … but I’d stayed frozen in the same stupid spot. “Where is this coming from?”
“I’m just … forget it,” he’d said with a deep sigh as he rubbed his face with his hand. “You can keep the place. I’ll go to Italy like I was supposed to, then I’ll figure out where to go. You don’t need to worry about that.”
“No, no, just wait a second.” I could barely get the words out. “You can’t just leave. This is coming out of nowhere. Come on—this is us.”
“I’m sorry, Avery. I’ve made up my mind.”
“No!” Panic had started to rise in my chest. “I need to know why! What did I do? Can you at least tell me what I did?”
His gaze had been stone-cold as he’d delivered the final blow:
“No, Avery, I’m done. I’m moving on. And so should you.”
He’d refused to give me an explanation. And I think I know why. He believed he was doing me a kindness by refusing to speak the real reason out loud.
You’re not who you were. I loved you because you were a ray of sunshine. I would have killed just to make sure I could keep seeing that smile every day. And when that was the case, I could deal with the panic attacks. I could deal with your anxiety. They were like a package deal, two sides of the same coin. My little ray of sunshine who sometimes has a chaotic mind. But now? For months you’ve been going downhill. You barely go out. You’re like a shell of a person now.
That was the truth we both knew, but he would never say it. Jasper always hated big confrontations, so he’d just refused to explain and left.
Like everyone always does.
Just like Dad.
I feel a pressure building up behind my eyes, a lump choking my throat. Despite having been with Jasper for so long, I’m not angry or upset anymore. I think I’ve accepted that he’s gone. But my dad?
The man who always believed I could accomplish great things. Who would wipe my tears away when it was time for him to leave for another work trip. Who constantly promised he would always,alwaysbe there for me. That he loved me more than anything else in the entire world.
This man is now down south somewhere, gone from my life, from Mom’s life. At first, when he decided not to come back from his next work trip, things were still normal between us. Of course I was devastated for my mom, but if he was no longer happy here, then I was happy for him to go chase that happiness elsewhere. Now that I’m an adult and no longer in school, he didn’t need to be tied down to the family life that seemed to choke him.
But at least he talked to me. He responded to my calls. He checked up on me. Even flew me down there one February for my birthday.
Now I can barely tell whether he’s alive or not. For all I know, his girlfriend could be holding him hostage in their basement and telling me everything is okay. Maybe the shame of leaving so suddenly finally caught up with him and he can’t face me. Or maybe he wanted a fresh start with no daughter to tie him down.
Because even when he said he’d always be there for me, it was never true.
“I can see the docks!”
Logan’s voice brings me out of my reverie. I look to where he’s pointing, and he’s right. The rain is clearing, and there, not too far away, the docks are coming into view. I’m not going to die at sea. What a relief.
Except relief isn’t the only thing that washes through me when the Zodiac finally touches the dock. Fear is just as present, if not more. Because now that our lives aren’t in imminent danger anymore, we won’t be able to avoid the conversation for very long.
What does this kiss mean? I didn’t stop to think about the implications on the boat. I know what I feel, but I can’t help but think I’m taking a huge risk that just won’t pay off. I’m only here for a short while, and so is Logan. Neither one of us is meant to stay. And what if he only kissed me back because of the adrenaline rush of being alive? Will I have enough time to figure it out if I pursue this?
I’m supposed to be here for work. To be alone. There’s no way I have enough time to know what’s happening between us before my stay is up. And even if Logan were to offer me a place to stay in the meantime, which is ahugejump?—
Calm down, Avery—you just kissed, he didn’t propose!
But even if he were to do that, he’s leaving, too. And what happens next? I can’t do this. Not again. Then I’ll be right back where I began.
Without skipping a beat, Logan hops off the Zodiac and starts tying it back to the dock, single-minded to the task at hand. I don’t move from the seat. Even though it’s still raining and I’m freezing, I don’t dare move until he tells me what to do.
From the corner of my eye, I see Yasser running straight towards us, looking crazed and shocked. I didn’t know a man his age could run that fast. “Thank God you’re safe! That storm came out of nowhere! I was so worried about you two.” He kneels next to Logan, who’s busy tying rope, and pulls the rope from his hand. “Give me that. Bring yourself and that sweet girl inside to get warm. I’ll finish up.” Logan nods at Yasser, looking a bit shell-shocked, and finally stands back up.
