Harper draws a puppy wishing me to get better soon under a rainbow, and Harry draws what I think is a dragon, or a cow with fiery farts; I still don’t know and I’m not asking. Both are art, whatever they are. Official auctioneer opinion.
I tell them there’s still some banana pudding in the red truck by the edge of the parking lot and they hug me before running off. This kid thing is easy; they just want sugar. We have so much in common.
The parade itself is a lot of fun. The kids alternate waving, throwing candy canes and giving me an impromptu tour of the town, with all the important landmarks, such as where they get pizza after Little League, the ice cream place they go to celebrate good grades, and the toy store with the best selection.
Beau walks in front of us with the live nativity group, and we’re followed by floats that the local businesses and schools all made. It’s beautiful, but I did notice that most of the town is in the parade, so there aren’t that many people watching us from the sides.
But everyone is having a great time.
After the short route, we end in the town square, the floats lined up so they can be admired throughout the night. The area is already set up by Eve’s magical overworked elves and it looks festive, the highest compliment I can give an event.
A small stage takes up the space in front of a giant tree and there’s an empty dance floor lined with tables and chairs. The tables are decorated with tiny Christmas tree centerpieces including tinier Christmas ornaments, and on one side a buffet line is set up. On the edges of the square, Christmas booths offer goods of the edible and visually pleasing variety.
Every other inch of the square is filled with Christmas decorations that I wish I could stuff in my luggage and steal along with Bubba. The decorations look vintage, lovingly carved out of wood, and hand-painted with small imperfections that make everything look even better. Bright lights entwine around buildings, signs, and the decorations themselves.
Everything gets a light dusting of fake snow; in case I was missing a white Christmas (which I was).
The buffet line is already getting more crowded than any other space, so I tug Beau in that direction. I’m even getting used to all the curious glances and interrogations I get about who I am. I think I’m adapting.
As people finish up their meals (which did include a fresh banana pudding, bless nosy Jean), Eve gets up on the stage and turns on her microphone to get everyone’s attention.
“Hello, everyone!” When the din dies down, she continues. “I want to thank y’all for another amazing year.” She waits while everyone claps. “I couldn’t have done it without all my team and all the volunteers—for all their time, the food and everything else you see here.”
Volunteeris a strange choice of words for the conscription of goods and services that occurred, but it’s the Christmas season and no one else seems to mind, so I let it go.
“Before we get Santa out here with the presents—” the kids kick up some noise at that announcement, not liking the delay “—I want to invite up the family I couldn’t have done this without, Abbots and Jacksons, to thank them personally for the help they gave, whether they wanted to or not. And to make them help me one more time by lighting this tree.”
Beau gets up and reaches for my hand, but I shake my head. This is a family moment and I’m just a fling. He drops a quick kiss on my lips, not willing to debate the issue right here, and jogs to join his parents and sister, as well as her family. Daniel and his family get on the stage too.
They stand together, picture perfect, as the cameras around me go off.
And I can’t stop the panic that races through me this time.
Chapter Thirty-Four
I thought I had mostly dealt with my family issues. I didn’t get jealous when I saw families around the city. I stopped telling mall Santas that all I wanted for Christmas was for my parents to move back to New York. I even stopped crying when they left after their annual visits. I was happy with casual, fun flings.
I wasfine.
So I don’t know what about this scene is getting to me right now. What about this family has been getting under my skin this whole visit.
But something about watchingthisfamily, who have been so welcoming to me, onthisstage onthisnight, near Christmas, watching the casual love and affection that gets thrown around...is too much to take right now.
It’s all the anxiety of the night at the Loot party when Beau asked me to come here, and every time my parents left, starting with the one where they told me they were moving back, and the damn job offer at Loot, all compounded, multiplied, added and all the other math functions to make numbers bigger, to make my heart pound out of my chest.
And the pain behind the anxiety is excruciating.
Because not only is this something I’ve desperately wanted since that first Christmas without my parents, there’s no way Beau would ever leave this. And why would he? His family is amazing. Their home is amazing, their business is amazing, and the way they love each other is amazing.
There’s no way I can ask him to leave it and he would probably tell me no if I did. But I don’t want to leave Priya and the rest of the Guptas, the only constants in my life, either. They’re the only thing I can count on. I also don’t want to leave the job that I mostly enjoy, or the city that’s home.
But I can’t stay and fall more in love with him.
Because I do love him.
I’m screwed. The resulting increase of my breathing makes that fact abundantly clear. And the way this loose, oversized sweater suddenly feels suffocating.
I can’t do this. Stay here, give up everything for him, and then watch him find some other reason to leave me. Except then I’ll be away from the limited family I do have and in pain.
