I didn’t want to think or move or do anything.
I just wanted to sit until the pain went away. I wanted to be left alone.
If I was truly the Queen of Hearts, I should be able to demand that without repercussions from anyone, let alone my Hatter. I was sure of it. Wasn’t that what he was trying to teach me? That I had the ability to choose. I wanted to choose to be left alone.
“I’m taking you to my doctor,” Azrael announced after a minute or so.
I continued to stare out the window without revealing a thing. I knew what the doctor meant. They were going to put their fingers inside of me to check me for whatever information they needed. Fingers in my pussy, fingers in my mouth, cold utensils that hurt everywhere they touched.
“After that, I’ll return you to that house. You will not see me again until next Sunday. I assume you know how the service will work.”
There wouldn’t be a service. I would be picked up by one of the women Pillars, a trusted one, and taken to the Back Hall directly. I would be changed into whatever Azrael wanted me to wear before I was delivered back to the stage where we were to be wed by Pastor Masters.
I had seen many weddings in my past. I knew what was expected of me.
“This doctor is not affiliated with the church,” he went on, causing my eyes to shift back towards him, although I remained still. “This doctor is not affiliated with my family either. He was picked by me. Only a handful of people even know of his existence in my life. I trust him.”
My eyes shifted to my hands. Azrael didn’t trust anyone.
I returned my attention to the road and watched the world go by far faster than I was used to. We drove for a long time. Longer than I had ever been in the car before.
He finally pulled into a parking lot and parked. He put on a beautiful porcelain mask, one corner of it broken off, the cracks fissuring up across the jaw. It had two small horns at the top, the smile stretching from ear to ear, the teeth sharp. It was hauntingly beautiful, just like him.
My eyes fell towards our feet as we headed for the building. This time, however, it wasn’t because I had to. It was partiallyout of habit, and partially because this was a new place. I didn’t know how many cracks there were in the sidewalk or how many lines. I didn’t know where the grass would start on the edges or if there would be flowers. I didn’t know anything.
We walked across the short parking lot to a sidewalk that had only 10 lines in it and no cracks. On either side of us were white and gray smooth stones and shrubs. Not a flower to be seen.
I was disappointed that there were no flowers.
Azrael opened the door to the building, and I was immediately met with the scent of vanilla and cleanliness.
I stepped into the cool room, soft music playing in the background, causing me to pause. It was beautiful. A woman was singing, and there was soft piano music. Her voice was angelic.
I couldn’t help the way my eyes closed or how my chin lifted as the music drifted through the room, filling my soul in an unfamiliar way. The notes drifted around my mind, her voice soothing.
A moment later, the music grew louder, the sound wrapping around me in a warm embrace.
When the song eventually faded away, another soon began. My eyes opened, emotion filling me fully. I swallowed, my eyes finding Azrael’s.
His gaze was unreadable, that strange look in his eyes gone for something different. “Sorry by Halsey.”
A song that wasn’t about the god they worshiped, but about the love that didn’t exist. The way she sang about it…it seemed like she believed in it.
Why did she believe in it? Didn’t she know what love was? I had seen it so many times in so many different ways, and all I felt towards the idea of love was hatred.
“This way.”
I blinked, followed his gesture to a door that sat on the far right side of a big open window. I looked around the roomquickly as my feet led me to the door. Lots of chairs, a fake tree, blue carpet, magazines.
I paused when I saw those. I had heard about them, but I was never allowed to have any. There were people on the cover. Men and women. I wondered why they deserved to be on the cover. They weren’t any prettier than Azrael. What had they done that was so important to get them there?
Azrael opened the door, the hallway stretching out before me. “He knows we’re coming,” he said, walking by me. “This way.”
I folded my hands in front of me, squeezing them together tightly, wincing at the pain it caused. I watched Azrael get ahead of me, stopping in front of a door near the end of the hall, opening it, and finally looking back at me.
I felt that fear fill me, shutting me down, wrapping around my lungs, forcing my eyes down. The steps to Azrael were slow and agonizing, and the second I saw his shoes, I stopped, knowing I was in that doorway.
Azrael trusted him, but I had been to many doctors. More than I could count. Ones that Thomas trusted, ones Pastor Masters had trusted, ones the wives of the Pillars had trusted. They had all done the same things. All of them. What made this one so special? Was Azrael already changing? We were to be married in one week, and he was already showing his true colors.
