‘OK. Let’s go back to the beginning and role play. I’ll be Fliss and you can be Throbbert.’
‘I wish you’d stop calling me that.’
‘I tell you what. I’ll make a deal with you. Show me you’re capable of not being a dick in this role play, don’t be a dick for the rest of the holiday, and I’ll stop calling you Throbbert. What do you think?’
‘Fine.’
‘Good. I’m going into role now. Hey, Robert. Amy, Stuart, Lily and Dan are all going on holiday to this amazing-looking place in the Caribbean and they’ve invited us to go with them.’
Robert rolls his eyes. ‘Do we really have to do this?’
‘Yes. Come on.’
‘Umm, Fliss. I don’t think that’s a very good idea, particularly as we’re supposed to be saving up for a house.’
‘It’s a discounted rate, so it won’t set us back by much. Don’t be such a killjoy.’
‘It’s still a significant amount of money and, if I was going to spend that much, I’d want to have something to show for it at the end. Going on this holiday is basically setting fire to money that I thought we’d earmarked for moving in together.’
‘Did you say that?’
‘No. I should have done, I realise.’
‘It’s a good point, and you made it rationally. It might not have made any difference, but I think we can both agree that it’s better than just going and spending another truckload of cash on a car to piss her off.’
‘She was really set on it though.’
‘Then you could have suggested she find a friend to go, because you’d rather save the money so you could move in with her sooner. Gets you off the hook in a way that makes her feel loved.’
‘Shit. You’re good at this. Why didn’t I think of that? And don’t just say because I’m a dick and call me Throbbert again.’
‘No. If I’m to give you any leeway, I’d say it’s probably easier in a role play than in the heat of the situation.’ I take a big mouthful of tea, draining the cup. ‘Final question. Ready?’
‘Go on.’
‘If there was a way to get her back, would you do it?’
‘Is there?’
‘Doubtful, but I don’t think you’re completely out of options. It would be risky, but is she worth it?’
He sighs. ‘In every possible way, but I don’t have the first idea where to start.’
I smile at him. ‘Deal number two. I’m happy to try to help on the proviso that you cease and desist from all Throbbert-ish behaviour with immediate effect. We might even be able to enlist Amy and Lily to help if we’re lucky.’
‘I don’t want to be a charity case or have the three of you gossiping about my private life behind my back.’
‘OK. Just me then.’
‘Why would you help me?’
‘One, because I’m a sucker for a happy ending, even when that looks unlikely, and two, because it means I’ll actually be able to enjoy this holiday that I’ve spent a similarly significant amount of money on without you banging and crashing around like a bear with a sore head. Now, do we have a deal?’
He smiles and holds out his hand for me to shake. ‘Deal. Can I ask you a question now?’
‘Sure.’
‘You and Stuart…’ he begins.
