‘Sure,’ I said, forcing a smile on my face.
‘The last day, you mentioned that Finn has started asking if you can give him a brother or sister,’ Julia prompted. ‘Is he still talking about that?’
‘He mentions it from time to time,’ I conceded.
Jay’s head swivelled to look at me and he narrowed his eyes. ‘He never stops asking us,’ Jay jumped in. ‘The latest is that he wants to ask Santa for a new baby.’
‘I see,’ Julia said. ‘So how does this make you feel, Liv?’
‘Heartbroken, of course,’ I said, a touch too defensively. ‘I mean, obviously it’s tough on him. I’d love to be able to give him a baby brother or sister but that’s not how life works.’
‘Well, we need to make a decision soon because it’s not fair on him to keep dragging it on,’ Jay said. ‘Christmas will be here before we know it and I don’t want him disappointed when he doesn’t find a baby under the tree.’
‘Do you think I’m doing this deliberately?’ I snapped. ‘I don’t like it either but you know it’s not that easy.’
‘Now, Liv, I want you to stay calm,’ Julia counselled.
‘I can’t see myself ever going through that again,’ I stated.
I was aware of Jay’s face getting worked up beside me and he sat up straighter in the chair. ‘Really?’ he asked incredulously. ‘Even if a baby brother or sister is the one thing Finn wants most in the world? You wouldn’t do it for him? How can you be so selfish?’
‘That’s not fair,’ I cried. ‘I can’t have a baby and put my life at risk just to make our son happy!’
‘It’s not just Finn; it’s me too. I don’t want to have just one child.’
‘Well, I’m sorry,’ I replied sourly. ‘I don’t think I can do it.’
‘So you’re saying that you’ve made up your mind?’ Jay challenged.
I looked across at him, begging him to understand. ‘What we have is perfect, Jay. I can’t jeopardise it.’
‘But we need to make a decision like this together.’
I shook my head. ‘Wearemaking it together. But unfortunately, I am the one who has to get pregnant and give birth. If you could take my place, then it would be a different story!’
‘I’d gladly do it if I could,’ he muttered.
‘What about using a surrogate?’ Julia suggested. ‘Is this something you’d be willing to consider?’
We both shot her a look.
‘I don’t think surrogacy is for us,’ Jay brushed her off.
‘Okay,’ Julia said. ‘It was just a suggestion.’
‘Look, I’m sorry, but no matter how long I think about it, I just can’t go through it again.’
He shook his head, frustration sitting heavy in the air between us.
‘Okay, Jay,’ Julia said, stepping in. ‘I think you need to acknowledge Liv’s fears. They’re valid and real.’
‘I get that, I really do, but I just think it’s unfair that she gets to make the decision for both of us.’
‘You’re not the one who has to have the baby, Jay; you’re not the one who’d be risking your life!’ I cried, hearing emotion dance on my voice.
‘The doctors said the chances of it happening again are slim.’
‘No offence but “slim”,’ I put up my fingers to make air quotes, ‘doesn’t exactly reassure me.’
