‘Okay, Mammy. I’ll tell my teacher that if he does it again. Guess what else happened today?’
‘What?’
‘Brody’s mammy hadded a baby girl.’
‘Really?’ I replied.
‘Brody was late because his daddy had to bring his mammy to the ’opital so his granny branged him to school.’
‘Well, that sounds like a very exciting morning for Brody.’
‘Brody said the baby is going to give him a present when he goes to see it in the ’opital. How does the baby bring a present? Is it in the big tummy with the baby?’
‘I’m not sure, love,’ I said.
‘If we get a new baby, do you think it will bring me a present?’ he asked hopefully.
‘I-I-I’m not really sure how it all works…’ I replied, grappling to explain it to him.
‘What if the baby brings me a dinosaur; how will it fit in there in the tummy? Dinosaurs are really big.’
‘It would be really squashy,’ I agreed.
‘I hope we get one too, Mammy. I want to show the baby all my dinosaurs.’
I felt a sinking feeling pool in my tummy as he skipped along the path beside me. My heart felt as though it had been chiselled and was left splintered and raw. He wanted a sibling so badly; was I being selfish by denying him the chance to have a brother or sister?
‘Should we take a visit to the sweet shop after we get your hair cut?’ I suggested, hoping it would distract him from the conversation about babies.
‘Yes!’ he cried, tearing off ahead of me down the street towards the shop.
42
LIV
Tuesday evening rolled around quickly. I found it harder with every passing week. Although I never looked forward to our counselling sessions with Julia, I was dreading tonight because I knew things were coming to a head. I needed to make a decision for all our sakes. It wasn’t fair on anyone, either Jay, Finn or myself, to prolong it any more.
Just the other night, I had jolted awake, my skin clammy with sweat and feeling panicked. I had dreamed Jay was placing concrete blocks upon me; he had kept piling them on until they became so heavy that my body had collapsed beneath their weight and sunk into the soil. Clay had begun to fill my nostrils and mouth until I started to choke. I woke up screaming, fighting for breath. A bleary-eyed Jay had sat up in bed and asked me if I was okay. When I told him I had had an awful nightmare, he had draped his arm around me and fallen back asleep. It wasn’t long until I could hear him snoring softly beside me while I had lain awake for the rest of the night, knowing I’d never be able to get back to sleep.
At each session, we had to confront the situation head-on and I knew time was running out. We had talked and talkedabout it. I could feel the tension building with every passing week; I could sense that we were climbing towards the precipice. Soon, we would reach the summit and we would have to make a decision either way but I couldn’t see a way forward for us; there was no bargaining or middle ground that could be reached when deciding whether or not to have another baby. Either way, one of us was going to lose out.
I leaned in towards Finn and kissed him on his cheek. ‘Be good for Granny Pauline,’ I warned, wagging my finger at him. We had asked Jay’s mum to babysit, not wishing to risk arousing suspicion by asking my mother on a Tuesday evening once again. ‘Make sure you go to bed when you’re told.’ Finn was tired in the evenings since he had started school and I knew Pauline would have no trouble getting him to sleep.
‘I will, Mammy,’ he replied earnestly. I was still trying to get used to his shorter hair since we’d brought him to have it cut. He looked so much older now.
‘He’s always good. Now you two go and have fun,’ my mother-in-law sang as we headed out the door.
As we climbed the stairs to the counselling rooms less than twenty minutes later, I felt the knot in my stomach wind itself tauter, like someone was holding a rope on each side and pulling tightly.
Julia welcomed us and we sat in the same seats as we always did. We made small talk about the weather and how warm it was for October until Julia clapped her hands together and I knew it was time to get down to business.
‘So, how have you both been?’
We both made the usual replies and smiled politely.
‘Okay, Liv, would you be able to start this evening?’
Instantly, I felt my palms grow clammy and my heart started to ratchet. Once again, I questioned why we needed to be here.
