“I’m sorry. It’s hard to stop years of behavior. I talked to my mother last week. She wanted to know my thoughts about us.”
“I’d like to know them too.”
“I’m afraid to open up and then have you leave. It’s stupid. You’re not making promises. I’m not asking you to either.”
“Even if I explained it, you’d still doubt it. That’s why I’m not just telling you. I’m showing you. I’m opening up, breaking patterns, giving you pieces of me I’ve always kept guarded. Kind of like you. Do you want to know what’s different?”
“Yes.”
“Will you share what’s different with you too?”
Not that he couldn’t see, but if she’d said it herself, maybe she’d believe it more. Believe inthemmore.
“I will.”
“No one knows what came after my last job. No one but my grandmother. The moment the money landed, I decided I was going back to her. I stayed a little longer to wrap things up, thinking I’d get a breather, let the chaos wear off, but it didn’t. The high, the tension, it just never let go.”
“What happened to you? Specifically?”
There was more sympathy in her brown eyes. They looked him over as if searching for wounds but everything was internal. No one saw what he felt or went through. Only what he chose to share.
“Migraines that lasted longer than they should have even chased with a lot of meds. Ulcers that needed more. Weight loss. I rarely slept, my body ached, my mind was fatigued, but I pushed through because I had no choice. I wasn’t alone. Therewere several of us and I wasn’t going to be the one to let anyone down. It wouldn’t fall on me if it failed.”
She stood up, walked closer and put her arms around him in a hug. One meant to comfort. Maybe it was for her as much as him. “I’m so sorry you went through that. Now I understand why you say you’ll never work for another person.”
“That’s right. I want it on me. I can get sucked into that vortex again easily. It’s a flaw of mine. I’m not letting it happen with this app or anything else. Or I’m telling myself I’m not. That’s part of what my conversation with my grandmother was today.”
“She’s checking in on you,” she said.
“She is.”
“I’ll keep an eye on it if you let me.”
“I’d like that. Not to burden you but maybe to keep me on the straight and narrow.”
She stepped back after a light laugh. “That’s me. The straight and narrow. But not lately.”
“Feels wonderful to break free of it, doesn’t it?”
“More than I thought it would. You say you’re opening up and telling me of your wounds, I’ve got some of my own. Being perfect isn’t always that much fun, but it keeps life simple.”
“Life doesn’t need to be simple.”
“I’m learning that. I told you before you brought something out of me no one else could or has. That’s me giving you something too.”
“I know and I’m glad you can admit it.” He went back to dinner, dropping the seafood in the sauce to cook. The water was boiling, so the pasta went in also. “I talked of breaking patterns.”
“That part confused me.”
“In the past, even before my bank account grew, I spent more time trying to impress women. With my intelligence as well as material things. Nice dinners, outings. I paid for everything. Iwon’t say I took them on fancy vacations or paid for plastic surgery.”
Her laugh broke through the tension, and he couldn’t help but smile, relieved that he’d lifted the weight of their talk, even if for a moment.
“That’s good to know.”
“I’m not my father. I’ve never cheated.”
“I wouldn’t think that you had.”
