“But I still felt the need to say it. There was part of him in me that wanted to prove something to these women. Did they want to be with me or only want what I could give them? My mind always went to the second.”
“Because that is what your father does?” she asked.
“Childish and insecure on my part, but we can’t always control the thoughts in our brain.”
She let out an unladylike snort. “We can’t. I know that.”
“I bet your brain gets exhausted being on overdrive trying to break through your words and actions.”
“Now, now,” she said. “Let’s not be mean.”
He closed one eye, his eyebrow rising. “Not mean, just the truth, right?”
“A tiny bit of it. But I’ve never made myself ill over those things.”
“I’m glad. And back to me, because I do like talking about myself.” He stirred their dinner while he took in the grin that wasn’t leaving her face. “With you, you know what I’ve got, but I’m not really showing it. Or giving it to you.”
“I don’t care about those things.”
“I know that. I didn’t believe it, but I know it now.”
“So it was a test?” she asked. There went the grin from her face, her brows together and her nose twitching some.
“No test. Not purposely. I asked myself what you’d like. Then I thought of the girl I knew a decade ago. Money had never been your motivation and I didn’t believe you changed.”
“It’s not. Would I like more? Sure. Who wouldn’t? I bet even you do.”
“I do, but not enough to sell my soul again. And that is what it felt like for years to get to this point. And this thing with us, I want it to mean more. I want it to come from my heart. You’re not impressed by me.”
“Arik, don’t be silly. I’m impressed with everything you’ve accomplished.”
“But not what I’ve got,” he said. “More about what I did.”
“True.”
“So with you, the time we spend together, I want it more about us, not what I can give you of value. The value is me. My time. How we feel. How you make me feel. The basics that I never saw with my parents.”
The tears in her eyes weren’t helping his confession any.
Must have fucked this up without even trying.
She moved toward him again, but her arms were open.
He didn’t hesitate to go into them.
She held him tight, her mouth to his neck with a tear falling on his skin. “That’s the best gift and explanation you could have given me. I’m scared, Arik. That’s me being honest with you. That’s my curtain dropping. You scare me.”
“Why?” he whispered, his breath brushing her ear. He never wanted to hurt her, but he heard the ache behind her words, and it pierced him all the same.
“Because you have more of me than anyone ever has, and the thought of giving you the rest, only to have it fall apart, terrifies me. And saying that out loud? I’m scared it sounds like pressure, when all I want is for you to know how much this matters to me.”
34
MAKING YOU HAPPY
Dinner was fabulous.
Emotions were high.
