The server returned with a new biscuit, and Jess just managed to pick her jaw up off her chest long enough to thank him.
As soon as he walked away, Hilary said, “It’s herdream, Jessica. It has been for a long time, and I think she should be able to go. She’s worked very hard in school for her whole life. She’s earned it.”
“Well, that may be true, but she shouldn’t be asking you for the money.”
“Why not? She knows she’s going to inherit something from me when I die. She might as well get it now. I’m pretty sure she’s planning to ask Lilian and Michael as well.”
A horrible blend of anger, guilt, and humiliation came over Jess. She pushed the bowl of tomato soup away from herself. “Oh my God, she can’t do that.”
“Sure she can,” her mom said, picking up her spoon. “And like me, I’m sure they’ll be happy to help her out.”
Jessica’s head snapped back. “You’re helping her?”
Her mom nodded. “Yes. I said I’d give it to her. It’ll be tight, and I’m not sure what I’ll be able to give to Noah, but I’m doing it anyway. I know this will upset you, and you’re probably a little embarrassed, but you needn’t be. We’re family and families help each other.”
“But she shouldn’t be asking you.”
“Why not? Because I’m single?”
“No, of course not. It’s because she shouldn’t be asking for handouts. She could get just as good an education here in Seattle. Or she could get a bigger loan and I’ll pay it off for her when I’m making lawyer money.” Jess didn’t know why she said that, because deep down, she was painfully aware of the fact that she was never going to be an attorney. She was still going forward as though she was, but she knew at some point in the not-too-distant future, she’d have to face reality and figure out what to do.
“I’m all for you living your dream, Jess, I am. But I want Winnie to have hers too.” Her mom had a sip of her soup, then added, “And if things are going south between you and Mike, it’ll be better for her to be off somewhere else where she won’t have to feel every second of it.”
Jess sighed. “Things got pretty bad for a while, but we’re working our way back from it.”
“You sure?”
Nodding, Jess said, “We finally had a good talk, at the police station, of all places. For the first time in a long time, I think we’re going to be okay.”
“Thank God.” Her mom smiled at her. “That’s what’s been keeping me up at night. I’ve been so worried that you’re going to split up. I was even scared maybe you’d gone and slept with your boss or maybe one of those young men from your study group.”
Jess laughed at the ridiculousness of that idea. “God, no. They’re like little boys to me. They see me as the study group mom. And Aaron might as well be a woman as far as I’m concerned. There’s never been any … atmosphere between us. He’s just a good friend, not to mention an extremely messy eater.”
Hilary laughed, and it felt so good to Jess that she kept going. “Like food all over,” she said, gesturing to her chin.
They grinned at each other for a second, then her mom let out a sigh of relief. “Good. Then everything can be repaired.”
But it wasn’t that simple, was it? She couldn’t just erase the last few months of her life. She had hurt the people she loved, and a few others, including Evelyn and Patricia. Guilt caused fresh tears to form, and she didn’t bother to try to stop them. She didn’t even care that they were in a crowded cafe and that people could see her. She just let them flow. She was exhausted and scared and felt like a fool. “Why did I just jump in with both feet like that?” She put the question out to herself, more than to her mother, but she hoped her mom would have the answer anyway. Jess was too tired to figure it all out for herself.
“I have a theory about that, if you care to hear it.”
Jessica nodded, eager for some sort of answer to help her make sense out of the last few months.
Hilary glanced around the room before looking back at her daughter. “It’s what I was trying to tell you in November, about your father.”
Jessica stiffened. She started to protest, to say she was nothing like him, but her mom held up one hand to stop her. “Before you get mad, I promise I’m not about to suggest that what you’re doing is the same thing because it’s not. Not at all. What he did was unforgivable. Having said that, I realized something while I was watching you go through all of this.” She paused and took a deep breath. “It occurred to me that, like you, your dad was living a life that wasn’t meant for him. He wanted a big, exciting life. Every few years, he wanted to pick up and move us across the country—explore, try new things, travel everywhere, see it all. But I wasn’t interested in any of that. I wanted stability for myself and for you kids. I wanted to live near my family and save our money for a rainy day, and globe-trotting around the world just sounded exhausting to me, not exciting.”
Jess stared at her mom for a second. “I hope you’re not about to start blaming yourself for his affair.”
“No, of course not. That was his choice entirely, but it wasn’t until I saw how desperate you had become that I could even begin to understand your father. I suppose he must have felt the same way as you—hemmed in and miserable,” Hilary said. “He finally snapped and wound up going off and finding the life he wanted.”
“With a flight attendant.”
Her mom gave her a knowing nod. “Free plane tickets. But, as much as what you’re doing and what your father did are not the same, there are some similarities.”
Jessica opened her mouth, then she shut it. She had gone from being the doting mother and wife to being completely self-involved, just as her father had. No, she hadn’t had an affair or abandoned her family, but shehaddisconnected from them, almost completely, and very suddenly. “Shit.”
Her mom placed a warm, comforting hand on top of Jessica’s. “You’ve been trying for years to find a way to be happy with the life you were living, but it wasn’t going to happen because it was thewronglife for you. Just like the life your dad and I built was the wrong one for him. He needed to go off and roam the world, but we were living the life I needed instead. And you, my girl, have been living the one you thought youshouldhave, instead of the one you were meant to have.”
