“I really was, Mom,” Jessica said, tears filling her eyes. “I tried so many things to make it work, but I couldn’t.” She blinked quickly to rid herself of the tears. “Oh God, do you know what this means?”
“No.”
“That Dr. Kildorf was right, and that my problem really was my life.” She started to laugh at herself—a frustrated, slightly off-kilter laugh.
Her mom grinned at her. “But at least you’re on the right track now, right?”
Shaking her head, Jess whispered, “Oh Mom, I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.”
“You’ve made a few lately. Which one are you referring to?”
Jess wiped the tears off her cheeks. Her heart pounded, but she forced her confession out anyway. “I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore.”
Her mom simply nodded at the news, not looking the least bit surprised.
Dabbing at her eyes with a paper napkin, Jess leaned in. “Working for Aaron has shown me that. It is horribly boring—like so, unbelievably, could-cure-the-worst-insomniac boring. And, for the most part, the clients are terrible. I don’t blame them though. They’re at their worst moments in life—like if it’s a lawsuit or something. It’s all so stressful. And even if it’s a good outcome and they win their case, they’re still not happy because the hourly fee is so exorbitant that they walk away completely dissatisfied. I hate it. I actually don’t know why I thought I would like it in the first place.” A tsunami-sized wave of relief washed over her at finally admitting the truth.
“I knew you’d hate it. You’d do well at it, but you’d hate every minute.”
“Youknew?”
“I’m your mom. I know everything about you.”
“Then why didn’t…? Oh, it’s because I wouldn’t have listened, isn’t it?”
“Not even to one word. This is one of those situations when I had to sit back and let you figure it out for yourself. No matter how much it was killing me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not me you need to apologize to.”
Biting her lip, Jessica nodded. “I know.” She sat back in her chair and let out a long sigh. “The worst part is that even when I realized I didn’t want to be a lawyer, I just…couldn’t bring myself to admit it. Not even to myself.” She stared at her mom for a second, raw emotion tickling her nose. “I kept trying to convince myself I do want to be a lawyer, and that it was just fear telling me to quit. But that’s not it. I honestly would hate it so much.”
“So, why couldn’t you admit the truth?”
“I don’t know,” Jess said, then she shook her head. “No, that’s not true. I do know. It’s because I was so scared that if I gave up on my dream again, I’d be completely giving up on myself for good. So, I just stayed on the wrong path, even though I knew it was wrong, but only because I couldn’t go back to the way things were.”
“I could see doing that.”
“Could you?”
Smiling, Hilary said, “Yes. Absolutely. You felt stuck for so long, of course you’d cling to the promise of a new life.”
Jess felt her body relax as she took in her mom’s words. The comfort of being understood was not something to go unappreciated. She thought of how hard she had been clinging to her new life and why. “I was so desperate for some respect and to do something important with my life. And after what happened at Thanksgiving…part of me just needed to prove to everyone that I am smart enough to make it.”
Hilary wrinkled up her nose. “Did you? Really?”
Jess nodded, but said, “No. I suppose not.” She scrubbed her face with both hands. “God, I’m an idiot.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am. I screwed everything up.”
“Well, that may be true, but you know what? I’m to blame too. I trained you to be a people-pleaser, and to worry so goddamn much about what people think of you.” Her mom shook her head and let out a frustrated sigh. “I’m sorry for doing that to you. I really am. And yes, I know I did it a few minutes ago,” she said, pointing to the biscuit. “Old habits and all that.”
She reached out and put her hand back on Jessica’s. “I need you to listen to me. Like really listen and hear what I’m about to say because I’m trying to undo forty-six years of parenting here.”
Jess chuckled, trying not to cry. “Okay.”
