“Hmm.” I was already frustrated with trying to explain why I wanted to go. “I don’t understand it either, really. I just…” My sentence trailed off unfinished as Camden spoke up.
“If it’s what you want, then let’s go. I’ll take you to every castle the world has to offer if it makes you happy.” Statements like that melted my insides, no matter how often I heard them, and any frustration I had was instantly gone. I squealed out a laugh and threw my arms around him, peppering his face with as many kisses as I could muster.
The memory faded away as I walked through the hotel lobby. By the time I reached my door, there was a tightness in my throat, threatening to turn into tears.I missed him a little more than normal today. Camden’s loyalty and pledge to keep me happy was unmatched. He would bring the heavens down to Earth and lay them at my feet if it was what I asked for. I knew hewould be proud of the steps I was making to move forward, but I wished it didn’t hurt my heart so much.
No expense was spared on this trip, and when I stepped into the room, it proved that the splurge was all going to be worth it. Abandoning my bags by the door, I walked toward the window, and there it was. Edinburgh Castle perched upon Castle Rock itself, looming over the city. A grin spread across my face as I gazed out into the night. There was a weight that had been stuck in my chest for the past few years, but being here, it seemed to unravel ever so slightly.
As I crawled under the fluffy duvet of the king-sized bed, I drifted to sleep, and for the first time in years, I was filled with hope and excitement for the next day.
six
Lennon
When my alarm wentoff the next morning, I had already been up for hours. Too anxious and excited to sleep any longer, I sat curled up by the window waiting for the sun to rise. The mug of coffee warmed my hands as the sun struggled to peek out from the morning gray clouds.
I dressed for the day in black jeans and my favorite oversized forest green sweater that had once belonged to my husband. Before heading out the door, I slipped on my favorite dainty gold jewelry, which included a plain wedding band for my left hand.
Camden had proposed with a beautiful emerald-cut diamond; I still remembered the way it had sparkled from the velvet box as he looked up at me from his bent knee. The memory of that day had been ingrained in my mind ever since. It wasn’t until after Camden passed that I tucked that ring away and replaced it with his weddingband that I had resized to fit. I twirled it around my finger while staring back at myself in the mirror.
I wondered if I looked as different as I felt on the inside. My dark reddish curls framed my round face in an erratic fashion, impossible to tame, and had been since I was young. My skin was pale from the winter I escaped and was only marked by a dusting of light brown freckles across my nose and the tops of my cheeks. Nothing really looked that different to me until I got to my eyes.
They were always his favorite feature on me, a deep blue that reminded him of the sun shining on the ocean. Or so he said. But as I looked at them now, they were full of nothing. No longer shining the way they once did when I would look at him. The spark had died with Camden, or at least I thought it had.
If I looked close enough, there was a faint shimmering of something. Hope, excitement—whatever it was, it was enough.
“You got this,” I muttered to my reflection. “You can do hard things. You can do uncomfortable things.” I say it once and then again for it to sink in.
I practically stumbled out the hotel door and onto the street. The brisk morning air filled my lungs as the foggy mist kissed my skin. It was still early enough that the sun hadn’t made its way through the clouds, but the overcast day suited my mood. I darted between the early risers and people rushing on their way to work and stopped at the nearest café for much needed caffeine.
The streets wove around Castle Rock, and I was finally on my way toward Edinburgh Castle. I stopped at the base, gazing upward as the grassy slope met the cobblestone of the building.Walking through the archways was a surreal experience, one I never thought I would get. I took my time as I wandered through the open space of the castle that looked out onto Edinburgh itself.
Imagining the people that walked these same streets for more years than I could wrap my head around. Fending off attacks from the unwanted and warding their internal treasures, they would lock themselves down at the first sign of trouble and become impenetrable.
It’s not lost on me that I had been doing the same with myself. I had been on guard for the past two years, refusing to let anyone closer than I was comfortable with, which wasn’t close at all. If I did, they would see how broken I was, how undeserving I was.
I had my great love story, which was more than some people could say, and the type of connection I had with Camden was a once in a lifetime occurrence. He went out of his way to ensure I didn’t shrink away from life and pulled me to the light when all I wanted was to keep myself secluded in the darkness.
Happiness never came naturally for me. It took hard work, dedication—and lots of therapy—to keep myself upright, and Camden was a driving force behind my commitment to be better. With him gone, it had been harder and harder to keep up with all the work I put into myself.
I only scheduled a few days in this city in order to make the most of it. I spent the rest of the day exploring Victoria Street, visiting the Scott Monument, and finished my day at Calton Hill during sunset. It had been everything I had hoped it would be, the perfectstart to my trip. I tucked myself into bed that night and was out before my head hit the pillow.
The next day started much the same. I dressed quickly and muttered my mantras to myself in the mirror. I laced up my sneakers and snatched the tour books I had picked up the day before and then headed out. I didn’t want to miss a thing and needed to ensure that I had all the information and history available to me while I wandered the city.
As I left the hotel, I pulled out one of the books I stashed in my bag and started down the street with no real destination in mind this early in the day. I should have known better than to walk with my nose stuck in a book because the next thing I knew, my body collided into what seemed to be a solid wall. It sent my book flying and my bag crashing to the ground.
“Shoot!” I exclaimed while stumbling backward from the collision.
My feet were quicker than the rest of me and I caught myself before I looked like a complete fool. Avoiding any eye contact with the person that I mistook for a stack of bricks, I bent down quickly to retrieve my bag.
“I am so, so sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was walking.” I didn’t dare to look up as I apologized, out of sheer embarrassment. My hand stretched out toward one of the books that was lying open a foot away from my feet.
“Lenny?” A voice washed over me, causing me to stop mid reach.
I hated nicknames, or rather I really liked my full name, to the point that I never allowed anyone to shorten it. It was the one goodthing my mother gave me, even if it had no big significant meaning. It was mine, and I loved it. Everyone from my friends to Camden called me Lennon.
I was always just Lennon, except at one point in my life.
There was only one person on Earth that had ever got away with calling me anything other than my full name. The voice tugged at a string that tied a box full of memories closed and forced them to spill out of the dusty corner of my mind where I stashed it all those years ago. They unraveled before me, flashing scene after scene, like I was holding one of those viewfinder toys.
