“Hmm, you never know. Well, I love you, dear, and I’d love to hear from you when you’re back.” I could picture the smug look that would've been plastered on Charlotte’s face if I could see her.
“Of course. Once I get back, we’ll do dinner, and I love you, too.” I really did. Charlotte was one of the strongest and most upbeat people I knew, and I was grateful for the family I had in her. The passing of her only son should have extinguished the spark that kept her going, but it had only damped it. She continued to have a positive outlook on life and lived every day to the fullest.
“Lennon, remember that you are still here, and you deserve to continue to live your life. I would never want to push you in a direction you are not comfortable with, but I hate to see you so unhappy. I know you love him, and I could never thank you enough for the time you spent with my son and the happiness you brought him, but I would also love to see you enjoy your life again. Even if that means finding someone new.”
My mind raced as my eyebrows pinched together. This was not the way I thought this call would go. “I’ll keep that in mind,Charlotte, and I’ll call you when I’m back.” I hung up the call and threw the phone onto the bed.
I paced the room, as I frowned at the ground as her last sentence echoed through my head. “Even if that means finding someone new.” I didn’t want to find someone new. Spending time trying to get to know someone sounded tedious. I wouldn’t even know where to start if it was what I wanted.
Camden knew me like the back of his hand. He could anticipate my moods and knew how to handle me in a way that could never be replicated, and I doubted it existed outside of our marriage. There’s a small part of me that thought maybe having someone to spend time with wouldn’t be all that bad. There was no replacing Camden, and I wouldn’t even try to, but maybe finding someone to share parts of myself wouldn’t be the worst thing.
“Maybe she's right.” A statement heard by no one, but for me, it was a promise to myself. Scotland would be just the thing I needed to, not start over, but to move forward at the very least.
five
Lennon
My phone chimed withAbigail’s message, saying she was pulling up to the house. I gathered my suitcases and dragged them outside to meet her while the wheels scraped against the concrete driveway, kicking up loose pebbles. Her smile widened while she waved from the front seat and for a split second, I wanted to change my mind and tell her to come with me. The words never left my head as I reminded myself that I could do this on my own. I could do hard things, I could do uncomfortable things.
“You’re leaving for two weeks, and you only have two suitcases!” she yelled out from the driver’s seat. She shook her head and threw her hands up in disbelief.
I rolled my eyes and knocked on the back window for her to open the trunk. “Ya, ya, ya,” I quipped, brushing off her comment. I was nothing if not over prepared; everything was planned, downto which socks and jewelry to wear on which day. And there was no way I was paying those extra baggage fees.
My seatbelt clicked into place and I pulled a deep breath in as we backed away from my house. This was what I wanted, to break out of the stagnant life I had settled into, but the farther I got from the safety of my home, the more I began to doubt myself.
Within forty-five minutes, we arrived at the departure drop off. I stepped out onto the curb and went to grab my bags. Abigail met me around the back of the car with a prominent worry line between her eyes.
“Please call if anything happens or, you know, if you just miss me.” She pulled me into a hug, and I was immediately uncomfortable with the amount of affection going on. “I’m still pissed I’m not going. You will have so much fun, I know it.” Her tight squeeze around my shoulder eased the tension that was building.
“I will call you every night to recap my day. How’s that?” I said. I was not a hugger or a touchy feely type of person. This type of closeness usually caused my stomach to turn, but I fought the urge to slink away and hugged her a bit tighter. She had been too good to me not to.
“You better.”
We released each other, and I gathered my bags and started towards the airport doors. I couldn’t believe that I was really going through with this. Months of planning led to this moment, and there was excitement alongside the fear coursing through my veins.
I hadn’t been so far from home on my own since before Cam, and even then, I wasn’t the type of person struck with wanderlust. I was content in my small town and with my husband, who worked to give me the world within the four walls of the home we built together.
There was a wave of calmness that fell over me. It crashed through the jitters that had been plaguing me and forced them to still, telling me this was exactly where I needed to be.
This is what I’d been searching for, a chance to reset and start moving forward. With one last look back at Abigail, I stepped further into the building with a smile plastered on my face.
My body was screaming at me by the time the plane touched down in Edinburgh. Eighteen-hours of travel did nothing but make me question why I ever decided to leave home. With every step I took towards baggage claim, my muscles ached, everything hurt, and was crying out for a long soak in a bath.
All of this melted away as the taxi sped through Edinburgh, and I was suddenly speechless. I grew up in a beautiful town, full of lush foliage and trees that seemed to go on forever. My neighborhood overlooked Orange Grove River and the buildings on Main Street, I knew beautiful scenery. But this town was breathtaking in a way I found hard to describe, cobblestone roads wove through the city and architecture that was centuries old. Everything was full of ancient beauty, unlike anything I could experience at home.
I stepped out of the cab in front of the hotel, my senses drinking in the atmosphere. I couldn’t take in the sights fast enough, and I was a second away from giving myself whiplash from trying to see everything I could just outside the hotel as fast as possible. My eyes finally fell on the reason I was here—Castle Edinburgh.
It seemed silly to be a grown woman still fascinated by castles, but we all had our quirks, right? Castles happened to be mine, though I gave up on the fairytales a while ago.
In Edinburgh, there was only one place to stay to have the best view of Scotland’s most notorious castle. The Caledonian situated itself below Edinburgh Castle. It provided an unmatched view of the castle that had me desperate for morning so I could finally see her in all her glory.
My fascination with castles started early in life. Like most children of the 90s, princesses ruled the movies that I watched and were the focus of all my attention. Girls who got to rush through the halls of beautiful castles while wearing flowing ball gowns were what my dreams were made of growing up, and even now, if I was being honest. I just couldn’t find a way to fit a ball gown in my suitcase.
As I grew older, the fairytales faded away, but my love for the castles stayed as I became more engrossed with the history of the stoic buildings. These were once houses of kings and queens across the globe that had fallen into either dilapidated mounds of stones or museums. To be able to walk the halls of the fortresses that had been standing for hundreds of years, and would be here long aftermy lifetime, made my space in this world minuscule, but in the best way possible.
I couldn’t explain it, but there was something about this country and its history that called to me. Despite the red hair, I’m not Scottish, so there’s no familial history that connects me, but it didn’t matter. My heart was set on this place, and I wasn’t going to let anyone talk me out of it. That included Camden, Scotland was nowhere near the top of his list.
“Haven’t you ever connected with a place, even if you’ve never been?” I said to Camden one night. The side-eyed glance he shot me answered my question before he even spoke. A soft chuckle escaped his lips. “No.”
