It was killing me having to keep what I was feeling inside, and while it might have been selfish to throw it out there so suddenly, I needed her to know.
It had been a week since I’d seen her, and time seemed to be moving at a glacier’s pace, but my trip to Tacoma to shoot at Thornewood Castle had been a silver lining. Losing myself in my work was about the only thing I could do to keep my thoughts from spiraling. Even though she’d been adamant about not seeing me, she’d still responded to my calls and texts, and it gave me hope that the door for us wasn’t sealed shut.
A bell chimed as I opened the door to Nevermore Used Books, and Mrs. Andrews greeted me from the front desk with a warm smile. I returned her good morning as my hands came down onto the counter. “Does Lennon have an order with you this week?” I asked. She needed space, and I fully intended to make sure she got whatever she needed, but I also wanted her to know that I hadn’t checked out. That I wouldn’t go away, even if times were hard. Mrs. Andrews pulled a small stack out from beneath the counter and placed it in front of me.
“I just got in a few of the books on her list, but she hasn’t come by yet to get them.” She smiled warmly at me, causing the skin around her eyes to crinkle. “You are too sweet, picking these up for her. Please tell her I said hello when you see her.” I paid for the books and told her I would pass along her greeting.
I reached Lennon’s house shortly after; I let my car idle as I jogged up to her front door and left the stack on her doorstep. Once I was back in my car, I texted to let her know that they were waiting for her. Before I pulled away from the curb, her front door opened. I hesitated in case it was her, but instead, I saw Abigail flying down the front porch stairs straight to my car. When she reached me, she leaned her arms on the window, sticking her head part of the way in, giving me a look that would impress even Medusa before she spoke.
“I want to be mad at you, but I kinda told you to do it, didn’t I?” Color me surprised. I’d take that as an apology. “I mean I knew you had feelings, but did you have to tell her you loved her.” She teased.
“I should have been a bit more subtle in my approach to telling her how I feel, but you were right. She needed to know and to make her own decision. Even if I hate the current outcome.”
She let out a breath and tapped on the car door. Her face softened as she looked at me. It was sometimes hard to believe that Lennon’s little sister was all grown up. I was an only child, so I never had a bond with someone growing up like Lennon had with Abby. It was a type of connection I could only dream of. The care Abby took to tend to Lennon was delicate. If you didn’t pay attention, you might even miss it. She may be the younger sibling, but she would move mountains to keep Lennon happy.
“I’m sorry, Theo. She told me what she said, and while I know she’ll want to talk to you about it soon, I can tell you she’s a wreck over it. Please don’t give up on her,” she pleaded with me.
“Giving up isn’t an option for me. Unless the words leave her mouth that I am not welcomed in her life, I’m here to stay. It’s always been her, it will always be her, Abby.”
“Good,” she said before walking back into the house. It was Abby’s final stamp of approval. I’d been collecting them for as long as I could remember, because you couldn’t love Lennon without going through Abby first.
One of the best perks about working for Castle Architecture was that I did not have to develop my own film or print any of the shots I took if I wanted my own copies. I could send them in and havethem do the work, personal or work related. After we got back from Castello Di Amorosa, I went straight back to my rental to send in the film from the trip, and I had received the notification that the photos had been mailed back and had arrived.
I ripped the package open the second I got home, taking the photos gingerly into my hands. Her smile was what caught me, her lips pulled back into a genuine smile that lit up her entire face—it was hard to look away. I had also sent in the shots of us together, and they looked exactly how I hoped they would come out. I picked up the frame I bought recently and slid my favorite behind the glass. I may not have a home that was my own, but she deserved to sit on my nightstand, regardless. The rest of the day was spent packing and shuffling about my rental, looking for things to do to kill time. Night came quickly, and I spent hours staring at my ceiling, willing the sleep that evaded me to come.
The next morning I was off to the airport with only Lennon on my mind, so I pulled out my phone as I rode in the back of my rideshare.
On my way to Tacoma. I’ll be back in three days. I miss you.
Three dots appeared instantly at the bottom of my screen, and they jumped around as I waited for her response.
I miss you more. I’ll see you when you’re back. Have a safe trip.
Weight seemed to lift off of my shoulders at her indication that I would finally get to see her again. The next three days would be a nightmare to get through, but with her on the other end, it was worth it.
thirty-five
Lennon
My anxiety wasn’t avacation home that I went to now and then to dip my toes in the water. It was my permanent residence, and I have been rooted down here for years. I sat in my home with its rooms that contained only my thoughts, which lurked around in order to torture me. The dark ones that lived in the farthest corners of my mind and would claw their way out until they were the only ones I could hear. I lived in a constant state of panic about what could happen.
I wanted to take back what I said the moment the words left my mouth, but I was scared. Scared of defining what Theo and I were to each other, scared of having to carve out room in my heart that would leave less space for Camden. Most of all, I was scared of what it would do to me if I loved him, only to have him ripped away from me, just like Camden.
Every possible worst-case scenario flashed through my mind the second he told me he loved me.I did the only thing I could think of and told him there was no room for him.
What a lie that was.
It’d been six days since I’d been close to him. Six days, eight hours, and thirty-two minutes–but who’s counting? Abby noticed Theo’s car had pulled up the other day when I was deep in a pity pool party. I was face down in a floaty, drifting around, when Abby decided she had enough of my self-loathing. She stomped from the house to the edge of the pool, casting a shadow over me.
“Do you know what I would give to have someone feel and care about me the way that man feels about you?” She sounded like she was on the verge of tears as I popped my head up from looking down at the water. She towered over me in this position, it took a second for my eyes to adjust and realize she was holding a stack of books.
“What are those?” I asked.
I was very confused about what was going on right now.
She crouched in front of me. “Theo was here. He dropped these off for you.” This had my attention. I pushed myself up into a sitting position. The books clattered on the glass table when she tossed them. She kicked off her shoes and sat on the steps, dipping her feet into the water.
She took a deep breath, then looked at me. “I would kill to have someone care about me so wholeheartedly that even when you’re in a disagreement, he goes out of his way to make sure your wants and needs are taken care of. That's not an everydayoccurrence, and I don’t want you to throw it away because of fear.” I was tired of the tears, so I clenched down on my jaw, attempting to keep them at bay.
