Lennon
The morning came tooquickly as we rose to get ready and checked out of our hotel. I hunted down my underwear and dress from last night and stuffed everything into my bag. The ride back to Fairvale seemed to drag on forever and that little voice in my head, the one that had been telling me I’m not worthy of love since I was a child, grew louder and louder with every passing mile. By the time we pulled up to my house, I was wracked with guilt and nerves and the spiraling I was so accustomed to was beginning.
Even if I didn’t want it.
He grabbed my bag from the trunk, and I led the way into my home. He crossed the threshold behind me and set it down in the entryway.
My hands fidgeted by my side. What happened next?
Like, did I say, ‘thank you for the great sex, see you later?’ We’d never actually discussed what this was, and the unknown had meanxious. My mouth moved before I could stop myself. “What is this, Theo?” He turned to look at me, one of his thick dark eyebrow’s arches in question.
“What is what?” His eyes searched mine, looking for a sign to point him in the direction of the answer.
But there wasn’t one, and I was about to ruin everything.
“Us. This. What is it that we’re doing?” I started pacing the length of the kitchen. He wasn’t saying anything, which only heightened my anxiety. I should have never asked. I should have kept my mouth shut, kissed him goodbye, and gone about my day. But the self-deprecating part of me was begging for answers. Begging to define whatever this was between us so I could rip it apart and analyze every miniscule part of it. Twist it up until I convinced myself I wasn’t worthy of being loved again.
The feeling came out of nowhere. It wasn’t supposed to go this way, but I could see the future he wanted for us in his eyes, and it made me want to run. I didn’t know how to handle the love he was so willing to give me. I’d spent years refusing to get close to anyone for fear of losing the only parts of Camden I had left. Then Theo showed up and the more time I spent with him, my grief over Camden seemed to take up less space.
“Lennon, this can be whatever we want it to be. If you want to keep it casual, I can do that.” His words didn’t match the look on his face. He moved toward me, and my pulse ticked up a notch. “Whatever you want is what we will do, but I have to tell you.” He took my hands in his, his thumb rubbing smooth circles on theback of my palm before he continued. I knew what’s coming, but I couldn’t stop it, and I didn’t know if I was ready for it.
He loved me; it was on the tip of his tongue. I could see it every time he looked at me. Every brush of his hand, in every curl he put back into place, I could feel it. It was razor thin, ready to shred my last thread of doubt with those three words.
“I… I love you.” I ripped my hand out of his as I started shaking my head back and forth. “I know it seems fast, but I can’t help how I feel, and I need you to know—“ he continued, but I cut him off.
“Why?” I questioned, how was it that he could love me so easily when I find most days a struggle to put myself together?
“I am just a fraction of who I was. All the good parts of me were buried with Camden. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get back to that person. Why would you want that?” I planted my feet inches from his and looked up, meeting his eyes. “Why would you want to love someone like that, someone like me?” Bright green eyes stared back into mine, and I wanted nothing more than to stop talking.
Anything more would only end in heartbreak. For both of us.
“I can’t give you what you deserve. I cannot give you all of me because there will always be parts that belong to him,” I choked out in between sobs. There were tears spilling over and onto my cheeks. I tried to brush them away, but he caught my hands in his and cradled my face.
“I will take whatever you are willing to give me.” It came tumbling out of his mouth as barely more than a whisper, his thumbs stroking my cheekbones in feather light motions. “You can try topush me away, and you can tell me all the different reasons why you think you are not enough, but you are what I want. I once told you that no matter how far I went or how long we were apart, I would always love you. That hasn’t changed. You are magnetic, Lennon, you pulled me in like gravity, and I don’t ever want to leave.”
I couldn’t stop the tears as they flowed freely down my face. A sob ripped from my throat as I tried, and failed, to stifle my crying. Since Camden died, I had been empty. As if my very soul had been ripped from my body, leaving behind only a shell. It wasn’t until after running into Theo on the street in Edinburgh that life began to return to me. I couldn’t pinpoint one thing he had done that had helped pull me out of the dark, but instead, a culmination of actions and his presence that helped.
He kept showing up, and it didn’t matter what version of me he was going to get. A depressed mess of a woman trying to keep herself together or an outgoing ball of energy that reminded him of what I was like when we were younger. He provided me with the security I craved so that I could strip away the layers that had been threatening to suffocate me and lay them out before him. He saw underneath the pain and fear that I had been carrying around like a security blanket, shielding myself from any further harm.
“Look at me.” His voice was soft with the gentle demand. My eyes opened, and he bent down slightly so that we were resting our foreheads together and paused. “Even if what we have now is as far as it goes, even if you can’t love me back, I will always be here for you. I would be happy to just live out my days in your orbit.” His words echoed with sincerity.
“I can never replace Camden, and I will never try to. All that I ask is that maybe you could try to make room in your heart for me, too.” The words filled the air between us, making it hard for me to think. Our life had blended unintentionally over the last few months, and I couldn’t even begin to fathom having to go back to a life that didn’t include his smile, his laugh, his very presence. He was more than anything I could ask for, and he loved me.
So why was it that all I could think about was Camden?
I removed myself from his hands and took a step back. “I need some time, Theo. I don’t …” I couldn’t look him in the eye. I wouldn’t watch while I broke his heart. “I don’t know if I’m willing to make room.” It was like a knife in my own chest, and I wished I could take the words back as soon as I said them, but it was too late.
I could hear as he took a deep breath, shaky and ragged. “That’s okay, Lennon.” Even in the face of rejection, he remained gentle with me, and I knew I didn’t deserve him.
“I’m going to be out of town for a shoot next week. I’ll only be gone for a few days, and when I get back, do you think we might be able to talk more?” I nodded my head yes, as I didn’t trust my voice not to crack when I answered. He placed a quick kiss on my forehead and walked out my front door, taking my heart with him.
thirty-four
Theo
What kind of idiottold a woman he loved her when they weren’t even a real couple? Oh, I know… the kind of person who wanted to feel their heart get ripped out of their chest.
Me, I was the idiot.
