“I wish it was as easy as just loving him, but it feels like I have to choose. And I will not give up Camden, not even a little bit, not for anything or anyone. Regardless of how much they love me.”
“Is he telling you that you have to choose? I can’t imagine that he would ask that of you.”
“He didn’t tell me to choose. The opposite, really, he asked for me to make room for him.” She stared back at me blankly, then leaned back on her outstretched hands. “Do you love him?” she asked, like one question could undo the turmoil I’d already caused. My head was screaming that it wasn’t that easy. I couldn’t say that I loved him and have everything work out the way I wanted it to.
She got up from the steps and slipped her feet back into her sandals. Giving me one last look, she scooped the books back up and walked back to the house. “He’s already waited a lifetime for you, Lennon,” she stated as her hand hovered on the door handle, but before she pulled it open, she turned back to me with more emotion on her face than I had seen in years. “I know you love him. Don’t make him wait any longer.” She disappeared through the sliding door, and from the house, as well.
I really hoped I didn't ruined everything because, of course,Abby was right.
Abby’s words had been weighing heavily on my mind. What if I could love them both, make room for both–it would be the answer to all my problems. The only issue I would have left would be ensuring Theo was willing to share. He would be back tomorrow, and I was on high alert, counting down the minutes until I could see him.
I loved him, and I needed to tell him.
He deserved to know that I never stopped thinking about him, that I was a better person to myself when I was around him. That I didn’t want to spend another moment without him knowing that I was utterly and hopelessly devoted to him and to making this work. It didn’t matter what happened after, I needed him to know that I was in this with him. I could make room for him the way he’d always left room for me in his life.
We could be happy, I could be happy, and I was ready to take that jump.
Cursing the lingering heat, I continued my stroll through a local farmer’s market. I’d been picking through vegetables at one of the stalls, trying to decide on the best ones. The summers here are relentless and lasted so long that we barely had time for a proper fall. Today they’re a striking green, tomorrow it was possible they would start fading, next they’re dead and crunching beneath my feet. I grabbed a treat from the closest vendor selling something frozen and parked myself on a nearby bench.
With each scoop of the flavored ice, I relaxed further into the bench, until an older woman sat down next to me while I was lost in thought. I happened to look over at her while her eyes scannedthe crowd back and forth. Her round face was aged with the type of lines that showed she’s lived a life that was full of laughter.
I often wondered what Camden would look like if he were still here. Probably not much different after two years, but what about ten years in the future or twenty? I wondered if his smile lines would have deepened or if his hair would have held more gray than brown. Would his laugh still be the same, or would it have carried more happiness with the years that would have passed him?There’s a small twinge in my heart at the thought of him, although it was nothing like it used to be.
She continued to move her head back and forth. I sat for a moment before my curiosity won. “Are you looking for someone?” I asked. She released an irritated sigh before answering. “Oh, just my husband. I seem to have lost him in this crowd,” she said while looking around, before her eyes landed on my face. “If you’re married, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. They’re always wandering off.” Her eyes crinkled as she smiled at me.
“I was, but he died a few years ago.” I didn’t know what compelled me to trauma dump on this poor, unexpecting woman, but the words slipped out. By the look on her face, she was already sorry she’d asked.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I said as I waved her off. It’d been a while since I’d heard someone apologize for something they had no hand in, and I was surprised to find that the sting that used to accompany those words wasn’t quite as painful. “I’m currently picking out ingredients to make dinner for a man who just told me he lovedme, even though I’m a mess of a human.” Now, I was positive she was sorry she ever asked. There was a nervous laugh that bubbled up in the back of my throat as I apologized to her for over sharing.
She was kind when she told me not to worry about it, and we both remained sitting on the bench. I was picking at the styrofoam cup in my hand, contemplating getting up to leave and never returning in fear of running into her again when she spoke up again.
“For whatever it’s worth, I believe he would want you to be happy, whatever that means for you. I don’t think wanting what’s best for your person stops at death. And if it were me, I would want my husband to be happy and be free enough to love again. The world is already such a cruel and unkind place, don’t make it any harder than it has to be.” We locked eyes for a second, before she broke contact and began scanning the crowd again. A smile pulled at her lips as she locked onto a man waving her over.
“Thank you,” I managed to choke out before she got up.
“Anytime, dear.”
She stood from the bench and pushed her way through the crowd towards her husband. She took the hand he had outstretched toward her, and he pulled her in, placing a kiss on the top of her head before they disappeared into the market stalls.
As a point, I never let myself think about the future. It was always supposed to involve Camden. We were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to love and live the next however many years at each other’s side. After he died, I buried all the hopes I had for what my life would have looked like.
Just for a second, I closed my eyes and let my mind drift and there’s no surprise that all I could see was Theo. No one knows what the future holds, but I knew that whatever it had in store for me, I could face anything, as long as he was at my side.
My phone rang, and I sifted through my purse for a second before I was able to find it. There was a small part of me hoping that it was Theo, but when I looked down, the number scrolling across the top wasn’t one I recognized. My thumb hovered over the decline button right as a buzzing sound started in the back of my head. For a split second, my stomach turned.
I hesitated, but something pushed me to the accept button, so I answered.
“H-Hello,” my voice faltered.
“Lennon, honey. It’s Melanie, Theo’s mom.”
Dread sunk to the pit of my stomach. My throat constricted, and my breaths were coming out in quick puffs as I braced myself for her next sentence. Her voice was thick and shaky as her next words cut through the receiver and lodged themselves like an ax into my heart.
“There’s been an accident.”
thirty-six
