I had spent the whole shopping trip going back and forth with how to tell Abigail that I decided to go but that she couldn’t come. I knew she wasn’t going to like it, and I wouldn’t be able to explain the need inside me that said I should go alone.
Expressing myself comes through with my actions, not words, and this was something that had to be said; it was going to suck. I silently prayed that I could get my point across without completely upsetting her or stumbling over my words.
Fiddling with the tassels on the pillow, I tried to work up the nerve. I took a deep breath and began. “So, I’m going to do it.” Abigail whipped around from where she stood in the kitchen.
“Do what?” Her eyebrows knitted together in slight confusion. An inpatient clicking sound escaped my mouth.
She knew exactly what I was talking about.
“Scotland. I’m going to go.” Maybe my subtle use of the phrase “I’m” would be enough for her to get the hint, and I didn’t actually have to tell her, ‘no you can’t come with me’.
“That’s great. When are you thinking of going? I’ll have to put in a request for time off soon, but whatever dates you have should work.” I could see the way her face lit up as she spoke, and my next sentence was hard to get out.
“This will be so fun. We haven’t gone anywhere together in a—“
I cut her off. “No, I’m going to Scotland. Just me.” I wanted, no needed, to get this conversation over with as soon as possible.
Abigail’s face contorted. “By yourself? Why?”
How could I explain that this was something I felt in my bones that I needed to do alone?
I dropped my head back and stared at the ceiling for a brief moment. Walking into the kitchen, I confronted Abigail.
“It’s not that I don’t want you with me; I do.” I began to fiddle with the wedding ring on my hand. “I do.” I repeated as I slippedthe thick band up and down my finger. It had been sitting on my left hand for the past ten years, making what I had always assumed would be a permanent indentation. I knew that I would have to remove it at some point, but I hadn’t been able to yet.
“I just…” I searched for the words, stuttering slightly as my lips trembled. “You were right. Camden would have wanted me to do this, and I think by going alone, it will allow me to start moving forward.” I looked up to meet my sister’s gaze. She didn’t look hurt, but my pulse thrummed inside my chest, regardless.
“I don’t expect you to understand. I barely understand.” Pacing around the island, I ran my hands along the countertop. The marble was cool under my fingertips, grounding me to the present conversation. Stopping mid-way so that we were on opposite sides of the counter. I reminded myself that doing what I thought was best for me was a good thing, that expressing what I wanted would help me move forward.
For two years, I’d been hiding—from everyone around me and from myself. Something needed to change, and it had to start with me.
I was going to start doing things that could bring me joy, and this could be it.
“I think that by going alone, I can prove to myself that being alone isn’t the worst thing I can be.” I had been selfishly keeping everyone out since Camden died, and I was living barely half a life. It was time to start living again and putting myself out there.
“Maybe going out into the world alone will allow me to find the parts of myself I’ve lost. It has to be better than what I have beendoing, which is nothing.”I confessed, as my hand gripped the edge of the counter. My sister observed me with eyes that held some unknown emotion.
“I’ve been reading about the area. It’s safe for single travelers. And I’ve already got the whole trip planned out. I’ll only be gone for two weeks, and I’ll keep in touch with you the whole time, so no one gets worried.” My statement ran together as I tried to get all the information out as quickly as possible.
My heartbeat sped up as Abigail continued to stare at me before she spoke. Her eyes darted around my face. “You don’t have to do this alone. You know that, right?” I reached across the space between us for her hand. “I know, but I want to. I have to see what I’m still capable of.” She squeezed my hand, and my anxiety lessened at her touch.
Ifloundered through the past two years of my life and, by the skin of my teeth, I barely scraped by. The first few months were the worst.Days and weeks were spent nearly catatonic, following Camden’s death, allowing only Abigail and Carina to see how truly bad things got for me.
It took everything I had in me to not leave this world behind to be with Camden. I was ashamed that I even had those thoughts. It wouldn’t have solved anything; it would've only pass my grief onto everyone I left behind. I know that now.
It was Abigail who had been with me through the sleepless nights that seemed to bleed into each other, and the days when I could barely get out of bed. She plastered herself to my side, begging and pleading with me to eat some days.
I owed it to her and to myself to be better.
She clapped her hands together, the worry gone from her eyes. “Okay then, how can I help?” We sat at the table as I pulled out my computer and began to lay out my trip. “I’ll fly into Edinburgh and spend a few days there before taking the train to Glasgow, then up to Inverness and back down through St. Andrews.” My voice was bright, and I could see the smile that Abigail attempted to hide. I don’t think I had shown this much excitement for anything in a long time.
We went back and forth for the rest of the night, planning out my itinerary. I had two weeks to fill, and it wouldn’t be nearly enough time to see everything. I wanted to spend my time overseas exploring the cities, the ruins of forgotten castles, and roaming the vast rugged highlands, feeding my empty soul with the open spaces.
I had no one to answer to, and I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Something inside me stirred. It stretched itself out slowly, unfurling from its two-year hibernation. Hope was blooming, and I would not take it for granted.
four
Lennon
